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Pictures Of Pope Francis Replaced By Peter Canavan Again In Homes After Rugby Result

Francis having banter with Irish students during game

Francis having banter with Irish students during game

Pope Francis’ expected trip to Ireland is in jeopardy after Argentina mauled Ireland in the Rugby World Cup today with one leading cleric in the county reportedly telling his mother that ‘he needed be thinking we’ll be waiting on him at the airport’.

Francis, born in Buenos Aires and named Jorge Mario Bergoglio before changing it overnight recently, was allegedly seen jumping up and down and giving the fingers in the Vatican TV room when Ireland’s Madigan missed a penalty in the second half, much to the annoyance of a group of Irish ecological students who had been granted a private audience. Vatican officials confirmed two bodyguards had to evict a Strabane 22-year-old after he became embroiled in verbals and ‘extreme sledging’ with the Pope who reportedly gave as good as he got.

Gerty McCabe, a 54 year old devout Catholic from KIldress, admitted:

“I’ll be giving Mass a miss now for a fortnight. How do ye like them apples, Francis? And it’ll be a long time til I be hanging his picture up again. Canavan’s up on the mantlepiece. I’m sorry Peter for turning my back on you. We can only ask for forgiveness.”

Early reports suggest an off-licence in Dungannon was ransacked immediately after the game and all bottles of Argentinian wine smashed with a message daubed outside reading ‘yer wine is shite, Argentina’. Owner John McCrea lamented:

“Yes, they wrecked my shop. Their wine may be shite, but now it’s in shite.”

Meanwhile a Tyrone GAA backroom team member has been drafted into the Republic of Ireland set-up after they drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the play-offs for the European Championships. His brief is to find out as much about the girlfriends, wives and mothers of the Bosnian players through social media outlets. A ROI soccer team spokesman added:

“That’s where the Irish rugby team went wrong. This man is meant to be brilliant.”

More Off-Licences Than People In Coalisland

1997frjack

Coalisland – drinking capital of Europe

Coalisland has been described as being like ‘some mad village in Russia or somewhere’ by visiting South American politicians on a fact-finding mission funded by the UN.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

Maradona, who claims to have roots in Galbally, told us:

“The system they have here in Coalisland is fantastic. Local business people know how much you’re mad for the drink here so they’ve put an off-licence at the back of every establishment. Genius stuff. You can go into the butchers for a ham shank and a bottle of champagne, into the barbers for a short back and sides and order a bottle of single malt on the way out. We can learn a lot from this town.”

The ultra-religious South Americans have no qualms about taking this initiative even further and exploiting the locals back home by putting off-licences in the back of churches:

“I’m surprised Coalisland hasn’t taken this step already. We’re going to make a little Coalisland in Buenos Aries and exploit everyone’s weaknesses, even the religious. You could have a full mass and then nip in behind the vestry for a six-pack or a bottle of Pinot Grigio.”

Meanwhile Coalisland PP Fr McCann has said he’s proud they’re the only establishment in Coalisland without an off-licence at the back but has not ruled out building one in 2014.

“We’re making enough money as it is. But we’re waiting for a nod from the Vatican to squeeze the last penny out of Coalisland.”

New Pope Not Sure If Cookstown Will Stay Up

Up the Pope

In a moment of weakness, perhaps brought on by the stress of his new job, Pope Francis the First admitted to an aide that he fears Cookstown Fr Rocks will tumble back down to the Intermediate grade having learned nothing from their previous foray into the senior grade a couple of years ago. The Argentinian Pontiff has never hidden his admiration for the Fr Rocks as well as his love for San Lorenzo, his local soccer side. Under his previous name, Jorge Bergoglio, the former Cardinal would combine watching his home team with scouring the Internet for a live stream of Cookstown’s league and Championship outings.

“Ah he’s mad about them Father Rocks”, admitted his best friend Fr Toto Schillachi. “There bes times when you’d catch him dreaming mid-service and you know it has dawned on him that the Rocks are playing a league match that day, probably against the likes of Killeeshil or Urney. One day, in Buenos Aires, he had the whole school dressed in blonde mullets singing ‘Mugsy’s Blue and Navy Army’ in Latin. It was quite a spectacle. He’s a quare eejit.”

Reports that he fears for Cookstown’s ability to stay in the senior grade has come as a blow for the busy market town although early signs indicate it will make the Rocks more resolute to keep their place in the top grade. A club insider remarked:

“Listen, it’s great that His Holiness is part of the Azzuri Army but we can do without the negativity. He should stick to the praying and we’ll do the playing. At the same time, he’s welcome down at Convent Lane any time he wants. It’s usually only a fiver in to club games.”

The Pope celebrated Cookstown’s All-Ireland last month with a slap-up feast of Cookstown Sizzlers, champ and a glass of Buckfast.

Augher/Clogher 2022 World Cup Bid Rejected

Residents in Augher and Clogher woke today to the disappointing news that Fifa have rejected their joint bid to host the 2022 World Cup at the first round of eliminations. The ambitious project was hoping to see off rivals Argentina, Australia and China but fell short in what Fifa described as ‘major accomodation issues’. Augher Lord Mayor Jackie McKenna, who headed the bid, announced the decision from Fifa this morning outside the Spar:

“We are bitterly disappointed. My committee put a lot of effort in to taking pictures of fields and makeshift pitches, put them all onto a PowerPoint and sent it in an email. Finding someone who could do all that computer stuff wasn’t easy. Although this is a set-back, we will regroup and perhaps target the 2024 Olympics. We will bring a major world event to Tyrone, mark my words.”

Plans were made for successful bid

Fifa sent back a list of reasons why they couldn’t advance the Augher/Clogher bid to the next round. They included the need to seat up to 100’000 people in a stadium, house half a million more fans in the area and general lack of media facilities to cope with 188 TV stations from around the world. McKenna claims this was a smokescreen:

To be honest, that’s a load of balls. There’s talk of a new Subway being built in Fivemiletown. We have this Spar, a Post Office and a few pubs. What more do these foreigners want? We got promises from a couple of local joiners that they’d build a big wooden stand and all. Also, my nephew is training to be a spark and he could have wired up a few plugs for the TV boys. As for accommodation, have they never heard of caravans? They’re prejudiced against small rural villages like ourselves. Aghayaran said they were laughed at by Fifa officials in 1970 when they tried to rival the Mexico bid.

In a show of strength, Augher is today hosting their Horn Dance which is performed by six deer-men who wear reindeer horns. The dancers follow a 10 mile course and perform the horn-dancing ritual in 12 different locations in and around the village, whilst the musician plays tunes such as “The Farmers Boy” and “Uncle Mick” on a melodeon, with accompaniment from a triangle.

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