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Beragh Set To Build New Village Hall And Leisure Centre If Uruguay Win Euros

Beragh school children get ready for the Euros

Beragh school children get ready for the Euros

The tiny village of Beragh is set to become the envy of the county if an adventurous gamble comes off during the current European Championships in France. 

After days of intense analysis by sporting experts in the local watering establishment, it was decided that Uruguay was the most likely outsider to win the tournament. Every family agreed to donate £10 each to the kitty which, if successful, will see the village a cool £3.5 million richer due to the generous odds laid on by local bookmaker Westwoods.  The winnings, if successful, will see work begin on a multi-million pound leisure centre with an Olympic-length swimming pool and a tennis court capable of holding one of the world majors.

Kitty treasurer Kitty Grimes told us:

“If the boys are correct about this, we’ll be the richest village in Ireland, if not the world. The jealously will be dripping off the Omagh ones. We’ll make sure every penny is accounted for and if there’s any left over we’ll have a fun day or something like that.  Well done to the lads in the pub. I’m quietly confident they’ll come up smelling of roses. And a big thank you to Westwood bookmakers who laid on generous odds of 10’000-1 even though he stands to lose a fortune.”

The village has already been kitted out in Uruguay colours, much to the delight of soccer expert and chief debater John McCaughey:

“Ah it’s great to see the flags all around. They’ve really got behind our decision. It was a heated debate and strong arguments were made for France, Spain, Mexico and even England but we all agreed eventually that Uruguay was the most likely underdog to win it. That Luis Suarez lad is lethal.”

Although unsure when Uruguay’s first game is, McCaughey maintains it’ll be one hell of a party to begin a month of celebrations before the expected financial windfall.

Pictures Of Pope Francis Replaced By Peter Canavan Again In Homes After Rugby Result

Francis having banter with Irish students during game

Francis having banter with Irish students during game

Pope Francis’ expected trip to Ireland is in jeopardy after Argentina mauled Ireland in the Rugby World Cup today with one leading cleric in the county reportedly telling his mother that ‘he needed be thinking we’ll be waiting on him at the airport’.

Francis, born in Buenos Aires and named Jorge Mario Bergoglio before changing it overnight recently, was allegedly seen jumping up and down and giving the fingers in the Vatican TV room when Ireland’s Madigan missed a penalty in the second half, much to the annoyance of a group of Irish ecological students who had been granted a private audience. Vatican officials confirmed two bodyguards had to evict a Strabane 22-year-old after he became embroiled in verbals and ‘extreme sledging’ with the Pope who reportedly gave as good as he got.

Gerty McCabe, a 54 year old devout Catholic from KIldress, admitted:

“I’ll be giving Mass a miss now for a fortnight. How do ye like them apples, Francis? And it’ll be a long time til I be hanging his picture up again. Canavan’s up on the mantlepiece. I’m sorry Peter for turning my back on you. We can only ask for forgiveness.”

Early reports suggest an off-licence in Dungannon was ransacked immediately after the game and all bottles of Argentinian wine smashed with a message daubed outside reading ‘yer wine is shite, Argentina’. Owner John McCrea lamented:

“Yes, they wrecked my shop. Their wine may be shite, but now it’s in shite.”

Meanwhile a Tyrone GAA backroom team member has been drafted into the Republic of Ireland set-up after they drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the play-offs for the European Championships. His brief is to find out as much about the girlfriends, wives and mothers of the Bosnian players through social media outlets. A ROI soccer team spokesman added:

“That’s where the Irish rugby team went wrong. This man is meant to be brilliant.”

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