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Beragh Set To Build New Village Hall And Leisure Centre If Uruguay Win Euros

Beragh school children get ready for the Euros

Beragh school children get ready for the Euros

The tiny village of Beragh is set to become the envy of the county if an adventurous gamble comes off during the current European Championships in France. 

After days of intense analysis by sporting experts in the local watering establishment, it was decided that Uruguay was the most likely outsider to win the tournament. Every family agreed to donate £10 each to the kitty which, if successful, will see the village a cool £3.5 million richer due to the generous odds laid on by local bookmaker Westwoods.  The winnings, if successful, will see work begin on a multi-million pound leisure centre with an Olympic-length swimming pool and a tennis court capable of holding one of the world majors.

Kitty treasurer Kitty Grimes told us:

“If the boys are correct about this, we’ll be the richest village in Ireland, if not the world. The jealously will be dripping off the Omagh ones. We’ll make sure every penny is accounted for and if there’s any left over we’ll have a fun day or something like that.  Well done to the lads in the pub. I’m quietly confident they’ll come up smelling of roses. And a big thank you to Westwood bookmakers who laid on generous odds of 10’000-1 even though he stands to lose a fortune.”

The village has already been kitted out in Uruguay colours, much to the delight of soccer expert and chief debater John McCaughey:

“Ah it’s great to see the flags all around. They’ve really got behind our decision. It was a heated debate and strong arguments were made for France, Spain, Mexico and even England but we all agreed eventually that Uruguay was the most likely underdog to win it. That Luis Suarez lad is lethal.”

Although unsure when Uruguay’s first game is, McCaughey maintains it’ll be one hell of a party to begin a month of celebrations before the expected financial windfall.

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Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone

transfer-deadline-day

8:00am

News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly

8:33am

Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east

9:10am

TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.

9:19am

We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.

9:44am

More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.

10:10am

Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.

10:33am

Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.

10:35am

Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.

11:11am

The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.

12:03pm

TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.

12:45pm

Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.

12:59pm

Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.

1:34pm

The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.

1:59pm

Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.

2:33pm

O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.

2:48pm

TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas

3:12pm

Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.

4:22pm

The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.

4:57pm

Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.

5:33pm

Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.

5:34pm

Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.

5:49pm

The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’

6:23pm

Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.

6:33pm

Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard

6:55pm

Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.

7:05pm

Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.

7:47pm

Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.

8:00pm

One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left

8:23pm

TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.

8:33pm

Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.

8:56pm

Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk

8:57pm

Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.

8:58

Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.

8:59pm

TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.

9:00pm

TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!

 

Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident

woman_bitingIn another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.

The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.

Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:

“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”

Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:

“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”

Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.

Coalisland Silver Band Drafted In After Armagh Brawl

Coalisland drummers practice

Coalisland drummers practice

The Ulster Council have confirmed that for the potentially fiery Monaghan/Tyrone game they’re considering replacing St Michael’s Enniskillen Band with the infamous Coalisland Silver Band whose drummers are known for their fighting skills and general ‘taking no crap’ appearance.

The move comes after Armagh and Cavan players brawled just as the young Enniskillen band prepared to launch into The Boys of the County Armagh for the pre-match parade. A flag dispute has been identified as the reason for the punch-up but body language experts agreed that a few heavy hitters along the back line of drummers would solve any future disagreements.

Marching band fanatic Frank Hurson from Pomeroy explained:

“It is an old tactic we have used up in Pomeroy for decades. If there was a chance of things kicking off between two rivals, we’d (Pomeroy Pipe Band) have replaced our whole rear drummer line with the drummers from the Coalisland Silver Band. Rumour has it they were much sought after in Uruguay and Chile during the 1960s when their club football pre-match parades were riddled with mass brawls and maimings.”

Ardboe octogenarian Felix Quinn reminded authorities of the importance of a muscular drumming corp. Remembering the Battle of the Battery in 1971 when Moortown and Ardboe players fought for four hours after a musical difference during the parade, he warned:

“It’s vital the Ulster Council act now. In ’71 the Moortown lads objected to our flute band playing ‘Mary, The Moortown Harlet’ around the field even though it was a favourite around our parts. They charged at the drum lads at the back but we had infiltrated the musicians with our toughest reserves. Bloodbath. The Coalisland Silver Band are ideal for these Monaghan mountain men.”

Meanwhile, rumours persist that Mickey Harte will make a few fringe players camp out overnight in Clones in order to secure the outside line during the parade. He has denied meeting with Ardoyne protestors to ask for tips.

 

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