Category Archives: Granville
Brocagh Woman Admitted To Hospital; Can’t Stop Making Sandwiches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Brocagh woman spent last night in Dungannon hospital after a marked increase in her addiction to making sandwiches for anyone passing within shouting distance of her house.
Authorities were called to 62-year old Deirdre McFarland’s house in Mountjoy Road after a visiting neighbour, 58 year old Aileen Hughes, was plied with so many sandwiches that she herself was rushed to hospital with a suspected ruptured stomach.
Medical experts are concerned that the condition may be a genetic affliction and could in fact affect many women in Tyrone, particularly older women.
“That’s right”, confirmed hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “People should look out for the warning signs. Constantly making people cups of tea is usually the first stage, then it’s the sandwiches, and before you know it, it’s like a full-blown episode of Father Ted”.
Neighbours admitted that they suspected McFarland’s addiction for some time.
“Aye, she’s afeared of being thought of as tight, so she goes over the top. I saw the oil delivery man go in last week and five minutes later heard Deirdre shouting, ‘Go on, horse it into ya, Cynthia’ at the top of her voice”.
Worse was to come for the unsuspecting oil man, as 31-year old Seamie McNamara from Granville explained:
“She offered me a sandwich when I went to get the cheque, so I insisted on just having a cup of tay in ma haun, but lo and behold five minutes later out came this big clatter of ham and tomato sarnies. I wouldn’t have minded but I was only five minutes out of Cabragh Filling Station so I’d already had a mighty feed. I didn’t want to offend her so I tried my best to get four or five of them down me, just to show willing like. I thought I had done my bit, but then did she not go into the kitchen and come out with more. She thought I was bloody starving. I didn’t think it through. There must have been about a pint of salad cream in them cheese sandwiches. Tara. I near passed out. There’s only so much wheaten and Kerrygold a man can take”.
Reports this morning confirmed that McFarland’s postman had previously made a formal complaint after his weight ballooned by three stone in as many months after succumbing to her hospitality.
Traffic Warden Warned To Stop Punching The Air In Victory
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A traffic warden has been disciplined by Dungannon & South Tyrone Local Authority after complaints were made about inappropriate behaviour.
32-year old Fergus Devine from Clogher was given a formal warning after he was seen on YouTube giving out five parking tickets in quick succession and then insisting on passers-by doing a Mexican wave round Dungannon Square to celebrate. Complaints were also made to the Council after Devine incurred the wrath of several motorists for dispensing tickets and then singing ‘Simply The Best’ at the top of his voice whilst trying to high-five everyone, including the motorists to whom he had just given the tickets.
Devine defended his actions, saying,
“What’s wrong with taking a bit of pride in my work, eh? Those cars were parked illegally. Well, most of them were anyway, so they get a ticket. End of. No harm in a wee private moment of personal satisfaction. Maybe the fire crackers were a bit much, but still”.
Sources have revealed that Devine was cautioned last November for making loud cash register ‘kah-shing!’ noises every time he dispensed a ticket, and was warned again a month later for giving a parking ticket to Dungannon’s Christmas tree.
Irate motorist Dymphna Curran from Granville said,
“I was parked outside the library for two minutes last Wednesday and when I came back to the car that bollox was moonwalking next to it. I asked him what the craic was, and he just started doing a robot dance. Forty buckin’ quid it’s cost me. Eejit”.
The investigation also revealed that Devine has dispensed over 4,000 tickets in three years including several for seemingly trivial traffic violations, including ‘Driving with a face like a pishmire’, ‘Rubbish reverse parking’, ‘Listening to James Blunt’, and ‘Owning a crap car”. He also gave out more than twenty tickets for cars which had only stopped because the traffic lights were at red.
Standing in Thomas Street in Dungannon, a belligerent Devine said,
“Listen, if people don’t pa…”,
before breaking off mid-sentence to sprint after a Toyota Corolla which looked as if it was slowing down.
Dungannon Tourism Board Determined To Encourage Foreign Nationals To The Town
A lovely place
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Dungannon Tourist Board yesterday launched its campaign to bring in European residents to the town.
Under the slogan ‘Come to Dungannon – More than just a big Tesco’, the Board is particularly keen to invite Portuguese, Polish and Lithuanian citizens to the town.
“We’ve lots to offer newcomers”, said Community Liaison Officer Jill Moody. “We have the leisure centre, a roundabout with butterflies on it, and we’re hoping to get a Poundland soon. Dungannon really has got it all. Walk around the town and it’s just a sea of Tyrone faces everywhere. We’re proud of our town, but we want some multi-cultural influence as well. Come on world, what’s wrong with Dungannon? Come and see what we’ve got to offer.”
A spokesperson from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council told us:
“We’re right behind this campaign. Dungannon’s a great place to live and work. Whether its strolling through Dungannon Park, shopping in the Linen Green, or slaughtering chickens by the thousand, Dungannon’s got the lot”.
Local people out shopping on Saturday afternoon appeared to support the initiative. “Hi carumba!” said Granville local Enrique Gomez. “Thees eez wanderfuel news. We mus ‘elp all zeez people to come to our wanderfuel Dunganning. Arriba arriba”.
The view was shared by life-long Caledon resident Magda Adamczyk. “I am wirry hippy to hear ziz. I sink I will celebrit with big plate of beef goulash”.
The news was not met with universal approval however. 32 year old pencil sharpener Mickey Girvan of White City roared:
“You don’t want to encourage that sort of behaviour. Some of them foreign types are already all over the country. Imagine a whole nation of people going and putting down roots all over the place. You wouldn’t catch the Irish doing that. We keep ourselves to ourselves. Next thing you know they’ll be opening their own pubs. The cheek of it”.
Sean Duggan, a 54 year old sparrow trainer of Drumquin agreed. “I don’t trust them foreigners. I went on a big trip last summer. Terrible experience. Weird people with odd habits, eating inedible food. And I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Last time I go to Coalisland for a holiday”.
Relationship In Jeopardy After ‘Toilet Malfunction’ At Girlfriend’s Parent’s House
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Granville man fears his two-year relationship with his girlfriend may be over after the toilet refused to flush away a substantial article following Sunday lunch last week at her parent’s house on Parkanaur Road in Castlecaulfield.
24 year old Nickey Conway had been invited to have dinner by Nuala Brady with her parents Padraig and Edele and younger brother Martin. Problems began after Conway excused himself to use the facilities shortly after having devoured a third slice of Mrs Brady’s Malteser cheesecake.
“To be fair, I had had a big feed the night before so I was already sitting on an elephant. As I lowered the keks I knew it wasn’t going to be straightforward” said Conway, a mechanic from Granville. “But by the time my eyes started watering I knew I was it was going to be a right handlin’”.
Mr Brady, unimpressed at the handlin’
Following the seventh unsuccessful flush, an increasingly agitated Conway started looking for equipment to help to send the offending item on its way, and considered at various moments using Mrs Brady’s loofah back-scratcher, Mr Brady’s electric toothbrush, and young Martin’s bottle of Mister Matey.
“Jaysus, I was panicking. At one stage I was about to fish the buckin’ thing back out with a facecloth and just throw it into the cistern to get rid of it. At least her wee brother might have got the blame”, said Conway doubtfully. “But none of it mattered. To be honest, the only thing that would have helped would have been hitting it over the back with a spade”.
An embarrassed Nickey returned to the dinner table muttering “I’d leave it a few minutes if I were you” to the Brady family, but the matter was further compounded.
“As if it wasn’t bad enough leaving that big yolk just sitting there in their toilet, the smell had followed me downstairs. They all pretended not to notice but I could see Mrs Brady trying not to gag as she offered round the Hobnobs. Jaysus, it was some job. In more ways than one”.
Following the incident, Mrs Brady had to be dissuaded by her husband from taking a number of drastic actions because of the stench, which included going to stay with her sister, phoning Rentokil, and at one stage calling Father Moore from St John’s to conduct an exorcism in the bathroom.
Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Parish, looking bloated
The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.
“Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.
Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.
“It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.
In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.
Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.
Massive Water Slide Planned for Dungannon
Trials of slide in Eglish
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon residents were celebrating yesterday over plans agreed for the town to get its own quarter-mile long open-air water slide.
“We’re delighted”, said local Councillor Declan Brady. “It’s going to run down the hill on Scotch Street from Thomas Street. We’ll give people a free tub of Vaseline if they’re not going fast enough, or if the fat ones get a bit stuck. We don’t want a pile-up outside Sammy Trotter’s. The slide ends in the freezer aisle of Tesco so people can get a wee Cornetto if they’re a bit hot. Mighty”.
The announcement comes after the ill-timed Dungannon open-air ice rink opened last Saturday in Dungannon Square and promptly closed down just three hours later owing to ‘surface temperature problems’, when all the ice melted and flooded Boots. Brady is hoping for greater success with the ‘Flume of Doom’.
“Them boys from Disney in Americay will come knocking once they see this yolk. Their water slides only go downhill. Ours will go up the hill as well. Or it will just as soon as we’ve sorted out the anti-gravity situation. And if that doesn’t work we’ll hire one of thon big water cannon trucks from Belfast and we’ll just blast people back up the slide. They won’t mind. Especially the Granville ones”.
The timing of the announcement comes in the middle of the warmest summer in the county for several years, prompting residents to start rolling up long johns, sticking their arses into fridges, and showering weekly whether they need to or not.
Environmentalist have expressed concerns about potential water wastage.
“No problem. That’s why we’re banning the drinking of water with immediate effect throughout the County”, countered Brady. “If it gets any worse we might have to impose a hosepipe ban, but obviously that’s a last resort. And people should be looking at other ways to cut down, like fattening up the weans so that they’ll take up less water in the bath”.
The open-air slide is expected to be operational by December.
Tyrone News In Brief – Possibly Unrelated Stories
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Billionaire re-locates to the Sperrins
Russian looked a bit like this
The enigmatic billionaire Vladimir Alekperov, has puzzled fellow Russians and delighted residents in Castlederg and the surrounding area after re-locating to an unspecified location in the heart of the Sperrin Mountains. The three-nippled megalomaniac was tight-lipped as to his reasons for moving to Tyrone, although he did release a very short statement saying “I am invincible!”
He recently drew the attention of local shoppers when he was seen out and about in Greencastle last Saturday. Celebrity-spotter Martina Callaghan said, “Oooh, he’s a quare looking fella, all mysterious and everything. I saw him in Costcutter’s asking them if they sold nuclear warheads and buying some Whiskas for his white cat. He seems lovely”.
Upturn in Tyrone jobs market
Unemployment in Tyrone has fallen for the third consecutive month, due mainly to an increase in demand for professional henchmen. “It’s very encouraging, although we’re not quite sure where the demand is coming from”, said Sheila McGuire of Omagh Recruitment. “There’s also been a big surge in demand for deadly assassins in the region, who can now expect to get paid as much as £12.50 per hour, or more if they have any particular skills. Specialist experience such as being able to bite through cable car wire or being totally impervious to pain is desirable, and can command £15 per hour and above”. Successful candidates are expected to have a full clean driving licence.
Fears of environmental pollution in Blackwater
Environmentalists are trying to track down the person or persons responsible for releasing several adult alligators into the River Blackwater at the weekend.
The environmental group ‘A Greener Tyrone’ say they believe that someone may have deliberately or accidentally released the reptiles into the water system, which have subsequently gone on to wreak havoc on the environment in certain parts of the county. Attempts by activists to capture the alligators ended tragically for one campaigner when the river bridge he was walking over split in two exactly half-way along, and he was eaten alive. Campaigners were inconsolable by the incident, saying that they believe the indigenous pollen fish may be at risk from the contamination.
Signs of global warming on the increase
Tyrone is under siege from global warming as evidence mounts of an increase in flood water in the Sperrins. Keen hillwalker and ornithologist Seamus Kerr of Gortin said, “I walk up Sawel Mountain most weekends and last Sunday I noticed a huge shimmering lake close to the top of it. I’m certain it wasn’t there the previous weekend. It also seems to be completely frozen over as well, which is odd seeing as it’s June”. Kerr also said he could hear strange birdsong in the distance that he had never heard before, that sounded “like the crashing metal gears of an unimaginably colossal machine”.
Speeding motorist fined
A man was given three penalty points and fined £60 last weekend as the local PSNI continue their crack-down on speeding motorists. The man, from London in England, was driving an Aston Martin DB7 and was clocked at 180mph on the A4 between Dungannon and Granville. Police also reported that the vehicle must have been in a poor state of repair as it appeared to be leaking copious amounts of oil over the carriageway making it extremely hazardous for other road users.
When asked if he knew what speed he was doing, the man responded in a casual manner saying “I hope it was at leasht 200 milesh an hour”. The police have advised that if he is caught giving lip like that again they will “bate seven shades of shite out of him”.
Granville Man Finds It Hard To Sell Inverness Royal Academy Uniform
Inverness Royal Academy
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A Granville man has withdrawn an Inverness Royal Academy (IRA) uniform from sale after a campaign of abuse from neighbours and strangers. John McGuigan was a pupil at the academy during the 1980s before moving from Scotland to Tyrone 10 years ago.
“I just can’t understand it”, said McGuigan, 54. “I just wanted someone else to make good use of it. There might not be much demand for an IRA uniform around these parts, but I just thought I’d give it a try. My IRA days were amongst the happiest of my life. I had some brilliant times there and I remember how me and the lads just seemed to spend our whole time laughing our heads off at some of the stuff we got up to. All I want to do is for someone else to use the uniform and maybe enjoy the IRA as much as I did, and I’ve been quite open about that”.
But locals have reacted strongly to the advert which has appeared in two local papers for four consecutive weeks, and have recently resorted to action. At the weekend, profanities in indelible ink appeared across McGuigan’s front door.
“I spent all day Sunday trying to scrub the letters out with a brillo pad and a big bottle of Jif. I’ve removed 5 of the letters but the ‘w’ is really stubborn. And then the week before I was at the hole in the wall at Tesco getting some cash when someone sneaked round the corner and toed me right up the arse, then just ran off. It’s ridiculous. It’s a free country isn’t it?”
Several phone calls made by McGuigan to Dungannon Police Station have met little response.
“That shower were even worse. I told them I was getting dog’s abuse just for trying to sell an IRA uniform and they went mental. I can’t even repeat what the desk sergeant told me to do with the uniform, but I certainly don’t think it would fit. And it’s made of horsehair, so it would be dead scratchy and everything”.
McGuigan now plans to contact the Academy directly to see if the school is able to sell the uniform on to any of its current or future pupils.
“I have other stuff to sell but after all the hassle I’m not sure now” said McGuigan “although I have quite a lot of memorabilia from my days in the Ullapool Darts Association, so I might have better luck with that”.
Tyrone Tribulations 