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Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management

Made for Windmill

Made for Windmill

East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.

Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:

“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”

Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:

“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”

Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.

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Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth

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Donaghmore

The Parish, looking bloated

The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.

 “Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.

Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.

 “It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.

In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.

Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.

paul g moss

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