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Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’
Tyrone in 2016?
Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.
McClean admitted:
“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”
Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:
“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”
Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.
Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.
Donaghmore ‘Mortified’ That It Looks Fat On Google Earth
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The Parish, looking bloated
The Parish of Donaghmore today voiced concerns that it was unhappy about how it appears in the recently updated Google Maps satellite images published by the internet giant.
“Look at me!” exclaimed the parish. “I’m enormous! I didn’t even know the photograph was getting taken. I look huge compared even to Kildress. And look at Pomeroy. It’s the same size as me but it’s deliberately covered itself with trees so that you can hardly see it. And Aghaloo deliberately went and made itself smaller or something”.
Donaghmore admitted that it has grown in size over the past 3 million years as it was so unhappy with its shape, and confessed it had eaten into parts of Killeeshil and Drumglass when no-one was looking.
“It’s not the point. If I had known in advance a photo was going to get taken, I could at least have smartened the area near Galbally or given myself a tidy up round the Bush. That might have helped. To be honest it’s just a bad photo. I never look my best in the spring. And the satellite was far too close when it took the picture. Still, at least I’m not the the size of Cappagh”, snorted Donaghmore. “It’s big enough to have its own feckin’ postcode!” before realising that all parishes do.
In a controversial move, the parish has agreed to an extreme make-over in the form of extensive quarrying around Granville which is expected to remove 3 million tonnes of rock and sand from the area, as well as having 500 hectares of forestry removed. “Oooh, I can’t wait”, said Donaghmore excitedly, “It’ll be like a new me”.
Meanwhile, the parish has since stopped talking to Carnteel which it says should have warned it the photograph was getting taken.
