Monthly Archives: October 2014
Despite fears for his safety, an Edendork man who had been lost in The Bush since Monday (yesterday) was found today merrily eating a sausage roll inside a filling station on the outskirts of Coalisland.
The good news mirrors another story emanating from Australia last week when a woman also emerged from the bush after being lost for over two weeks, although it is said that Tyrone’s Bush is much more hazardous than the Australian one.
Patsy Farrell, a computer user from Edendork, got lost in The Bush after heading out to get some veda bread and a packet of dishwasher tablets:
“Eff me, I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I took a wrong turn at the Mullaghteige Road near Mulmuf’s exhaust silencer shop and ended up parked on the side of the road as there’s no signal there and the GPS woman was telling me I was in Dungannon, which I wasn’t. I just kept still til someone found me and survived on Polo Mints and water. It was touch and go.”
Farrell went on to explain what he experienced during the ordeal:
“The noises at night time scared me. You’d hear whistles and yahooing and men shouting ‘come here ye blade ye’ in fields and women laughing and giggling and saying ‘will ye quit, he’ll be home soon’ and other stuff like that. It was like something out of a Spielberg movie. I was just glad to see light and thanked God that he’d given me another day. The milkman stopped and gave me directions back to Edendork which I headed to after a sausage roll in Coalisland.”
Farrell promises to write about his experiences in The Bush and BBC are looking to serialise it with Colin Farrell (no relation) reportedly eager to take up the lead role.
The Sixmilecross Christian Society (SCS) have refused to apologise to 4000 Beragh residents who were spotted ‘running like mad’ towards Omagh after someone misread the SCS Tombola poster, thinking Ebola had finally arrived at the west Tyrone village.
The Tombola night, which this year was in aid of a proposed donkey sanctuary in Loughmacrory, was a resounding disaster as only nine punters turned up, winning on average 13 prizes each and generating only £23 for the project.
Meanwhile, Omagh Council have set about dismantling the makeshift aluminium buildings used to house the Beragh contingent over the weekend before the error was discovered. Beragh joiner, Candy McClean, told us:
“I was never so afeared. When word got about that Sixmilecross had caught the Ebola we just ran like hounds towards Omagh. It took a few hours of negotiations before they let us stay and I understand that. There’d be a few boys around Beragh who’d look a bit virusy even on a Sunday.”
It wasn’t until someone produced the Tyrone Democrat and spotted the Tombola advertisement for Sixmilecross that the penny finally dropped.
The Tyrone Health Organisation are to issue leaflets to all houses in the county, warning residents of evacuation procedures if the virus does hit Sixmilecross or anywhere else. Their 4-point plan is as follows:
- Don’t run like mad down the road. Head calmly for Derry or Armagh, preferably by foot or scooter/skateboard/flicker/roller-skates.
- Don’t be telling the Armagh or Derry ones why you have arrived for fear of retaliation.
- Bring sandwiches and tea for the journey. Jam sandwiches are not advised as they can attract flies.
- Keep spirits up by singing happy songs about emigration.
The THO also reminded people that there are no grants for Ebola-prevention house extensions.
A Strabane family have complained of severe neck strains after their father, Johnny McElhin, made his 4th DIY error of the year. The disaster has increased fears that Tyrone may have the worst DIY men in the country.
Following on from a monumental error last month which saw him hang a toilet door which opened from the wrong side, Mr McElhin erected a wall-mounted TV upside-down and refused to take it down, calling his wife and children ‘a pack of whingers’.
Meanwhile, his children have been forced to watch their favourite cartoons upside down unless they bend over and look back between their legs. Wife, Sarah-Jane (38), fumed:
“The whole house is now either slanted or upside-down. I’m sick of it. Our youngest, Leo who is 4, had to miss school on Friday because he couldn’t move his neck after watching Cbeebies for an hour standing on his head on the sofa. I’m sure all the blood rushing to his head isn’t helping either. I almost passed out watching Downton Abbey earlier today. It can’t be good for you.”
Johnny, a 43-year old librarian, is adamant that his family are being picky and that they don’t know how lucky they are. He told us:
“They’re lucky to have a TV at all.”
The previous catastrophe, which saw him plumb a toilet the wrong way and then incorrectly hang the door for the room, was fixed by sawing a hole the shape of the toilet bowl in the wall so people could enter the toilet room without squeezing into an impossible space.
Guests have complained that the hole isn’t deadly for privacy when the door is closed.
Temperatures in Carrickmore were said to be finally cooling this morning after several WeightWatcher customers complained that the scales were wrong, confirming suspicions for some that organizers were deliberating making sure locals ‘didn’t lose too much weight’ in case they left it.
PSNI representatives were called after the main scales were shattered into many pieces as up to ten slimmers took to destroying the piece of equipment with cudgels and their own steel toe-capped boots. Henry McCallan, a first-timer at the session, explained what happened to the weighing aparatus:
“Aye, they kicked the shite out of it.”
WeightWatchers have yet to confirm whether or not they will return to Carrickmore, citing evidence that this apparently happened before with Slimming World. Company CEO Patrick Lyons confirmed:
“Before we set foot in Carrickmore, we knew it was a risky business. Slimming World were famously burned out of the village after their scales showed that seven people had gained one pound in weight that week, despite all of them saying they had cut out chips and replaced them with skinnier fries. Every weighing session here is like a stand-off between organizers and customers. I am deadly afraid of someone putting on 3-4 pounds in case they put me through the wall.”
Kelly Wilkinson, who has been attending WW since 2007, added:
“It’s a buckin scam. I was 12 stone in 2007. I’m 12 stone 1 now. Sure how can that make any sense? Everyone knows bars of chocolate are smaller now and bags of crisps have less in them. They’re trying to tell me I just have bigger hands. I’m quitting and going on the Atkins Diet.”
WW have proposed a radical weighing method where they tie ropes to slimmers and hoist them up on pulleys and use heavy weights at the other end to measure any weight changes more accurately. This will also render the slimmer harmless as they hang in the air, hopefully calmed by the time they hit the ground.
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
The general Ardboe district was recently slated in an English newspaper as the worst place in Europe for a WiFi connection, blaming the interference from electric eels which swim perilously close to Lough Neagh’s western shore.
‘Free Wifi’ posters emerged on lamp posts all week, encouraging locals to attend a mass rally outside McGuigan’s pub. Over 5000 made their way to the meeting point, many with banners which seem to point to a bit of confusion surrounding the burning issue. Johnny Farrell, who travelled hundreds of miles from Coalisland, told us:
“Listen, I admit I haven’t read up on this. I don’t know who this WiFi boy is or why he’s being held captive but I’m all on for freedom of speech. I don’t care what he has supposedly done so I say ‘FREE WIFI’ yiz shower of tyrannical bastards. Set WiFi free….”
…before starting a ‘We Shall Overcome‘ singsong and firing a brick at a police car which was monitoring proceedings.
Tensions rose after a BT Telecoms representative turned up and tried to explain the reasons for the lack of free WiFi in the area. Frank Busby was drowned out with chants of ‘WiFi – inside for something he didn’t do‘ and ‘Internment is cat‘ before leaving the podium to choruses of ‘cheerio‘ and ‘who are ya‘.
Organiser Jackie Cullen admitted:
“It’s my fault. I didn’t explain the rally well enough to the people. Let me say it loud and clear now to the people of Ardboe – WiFi is a wireless internet service, not a local lad interned for his political beliefs.’
Cullen was subsequently chased from his own rally with cries of ‘traitor‘ and ‘you’re one of them‘ from the increasing number of protesters.
Seven bonfires were currently alight as over 9000 prepared for a midnight vigil singing ‘Something Inside So Strong’.