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£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’

By Aughohilly Schniffles

sleeping-pillsAs Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.

A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.

Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.

It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.

When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said

“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”

When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted

…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”

There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.

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Brawl In Coalisland Pub Over Quare Stretch In The Evening Comment

malahidesunsetPolice were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer. 

Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.

An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:

“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”

Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.

Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.

Aughnacloy Man Tasered After Fighting With Reflection In Car Window

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McSorley

An Aughnacloy man admitted to feeling ‘a bit embarrassed’ after he was eventually released from police custody this morning following a disturbance in the village on Sunday afternoon

Seamus McSorley, a 48 year old plumber from the locality, admitted he’d mistaken his own reflection in the passenger window of a taxi for that of a rival punter during a five-minute aggressive argument in broad daylight.

A PSNI spokesman explained:

“Yes, Mr McSorley – having been drinking since the bar opened at 12pm – was caught acting in an aggressive way towards his own reflection in the Nissan Sunny which acts as a taxi in the area at the weekends. He initially knocked on the window and asked if the taxi was free, only to see his reflection do the same back at the same time, inflaming the tensions between the two.”

Onlookers told of how McSorley went on to threaten the imaginary passenger only to see the reflection threaten him back with the same finger gestures. An eyewitness described the final few seconds of the altercation:

“He then punched the window, only for the ‘man’ in the car to punch back simultaneously, making McSorley fall to the ground. I’m not sure how that worked to be honest. The police then came and tasered the bollocks off him.”

This wasn’t Mr McSorley’s first arrest for public disturbance this year. In April in was reported on here that he was taken in for questioning after arguing in a threatening manner with an election poster in the village.

Mid Ulster Council Open Suggestion Box For Coalisland Barracks Replacement

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By Aughoughilley Schniffles old-man-laughing

Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it. 

Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.

Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.

Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:

  • a ski slope
  • a digger-driver training centre
  • an international airport
  • a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
  • a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
  • a big triangular spin washing line
  • a checked shirt shop
  • a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
  • a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
  • an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
  • a statue to Garth Brooks

The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.

The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.

Bull Arrested For Indecency Following New Bovine Crackdown Laws

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An Eskra bull

A Ballycairn Tiergan bull has become the first victim of new draconian cattle laws which forbids various shows of indecency ranging from rampant defecation in public to open displays of romance.

The new ruling, introduced by the DUP’s Pastor William McGrin who retained his position last year as Minister for Standards and Decency, has come under fire in recent weeks for being obsolete as no beast had been convicted since its introduction.

However, PSNI officials confirmed that at 3:45pm today, a bull from Eskra was arrested for mounting three cows in the space of two hours in a field beside the local primary school.

Chief Constable Patrick Talbot confirmed:

“Today we received reports of a Tiergan bull indulging in lewd behaviour in full view of 150 schoolchildren as well as several elderly teachers who were treated for shock. On arrival, the bull continued to show no sign of control and continued to trouble the cows who just seemed to be interested in the grass. He also brazenly dunged when arrested.”

The constable revealed that Barry the bull continued to show complete disregard for authority by defecating all over the police van as well as in the incident room where he refused to answer any questions and wrecked the table.

Talbot warned:

“This is just the start. Some of the behaviour in the fields is almost worse than the scenes outside Sallys or Strabane on a Saturday night. We’ll take no prisoners. There will be many more Barrys, mark my words.”

A new Cattle Finishing School has been set up in Garvaghey to help worried farmers train their livestock to behave in a more refined manner.

Experts Stumped Over Success Of Dung-Scented Toilet Roll

920x920Aromatherapists and perfume scientists at Queen’s University have admitted to being at a loss to explain the commercial success of a Fintona-based company’s dung-scented toilet roll product.

The product, Keeper Clean, has sold over 200’000 units since its launch last week, making the new company, Red Hand Wipes, a profit of £o.5m after tax.

The idea is the brainchild of Phelim McClafferty, who stumbled upon the idea whilst out walking on the Tattymoyle Road earlier in the year. Noting how happy he felt when passing a field with freshly spread manure on it, the Fintona entrepreneur experienced a major brainwave:

“Whether we like to admit it or not, country people have a natural dispensation towards the smell of agricultural produce, and that includes all forms of excrement. It gives us a natural high and is often thought of as an aphrodisiac in some parts of the county. So I put two and two together and got five. To be brutally honest, I’d no idea what I was doing and still can’t make sense of it, but it’s making me a wealthy man.”

Shopkeepers have reported sporadic fights in stores as far away as Strabane over the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll as shelves are bare within minutes of a refill of the product. PSNI have urged shoppers to stay calm as the company have promised another five million units of the product are in the final stages of production.

Queen’s University chief scientist Dr Hillary Twelvetrees added:

“It makes no sense at all. Walking into one of the bathrooms containing the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll must be an overpowering experience. The more I think of it, country people are pure mental.”

The toilet roll can be bought for £5.99.

Police Chase Suspected Red Dieseler For 4 Hours around Tamnamore Roundabout

carlandcrossroundabouta30cornwallDue to recent media reports of PSNI officials speeding in their work motors, a police car was unable to catch a man suspected of using agricultural diesel in his Ford Mondeo for over four hours around the Tamnamore Roundabout. 

The Police Service of Northern Ireland have come under fire recently after it emerged that hundreds of their vehicles have been caught speeding over the last 24 months. In the aftermath of the report, police cars have been under strict orders to observe normal speeding restrictions no matter what incident they are attending to.

Gary Grant, a strawberry vendor near the roundabout, explained what he saw unfold yesterday:

“I saw the Mondeo approach the roundabout with a police car behind it flashing its lights and sounding the siren. Adhering to roundabout etiquette, the cops kept to the 30mph limit whilst the Mondeo hovered around 30-32 mph, depending on how close the cop car got to it. This went on for four hours. The man in the Mondeo even ordered three pallets of strawberries during the ordeal which I threw through his window.”

The Mondeo finally sped off down the M1 after the PSNI vehicle made a move towards the service station to top up on fuel.

Police HQ refused to comment on the incident but admitted to infiltrating the new social media site set up by drivers to warn other motorists of diesel dippers in the area. Posting as ‘Cooking Oil Expert’, a media-savvy police official befriended several dipper dodgers, one of whom being the suspected Mondeo driver.

‘Mondeo Lover’ recently posted a message on the site saying “ring a ring ‘o roses, ye boy ye”  – a direct taunt to his pursuer on the roundabout.

Police Warn Tyrone Residents To Desist From Outdoor Line-Dancing Battles

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Coalisland Man Limbers Up

A source close to the PSNI’s Public Disturbance Department has revealed that every home in the county is to receive a letter outlawing spontaneous outdoor line-dancing battles which appear to be on the rise in the run up to Easter.

The impromptu challenges, which appears to have replaced traditional fist fights and brick throwing sessions, appear to be popular now amongst the 18-35 age group and often take place in alleyways and ramparts in remote country areas after midnight, often fuelled by a cocktail of alcohol and tobacco consumed at discos.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, added

“It’s getting out of hand. You’d find lads and women pushing each other, arguing over football or women, and then someone produces a CD player and before you know it you have full-on Garth Brooks blasting at that time of the night and drunken revellers trying to outdo the other with their line-dancing skills. It’s only a matter of time before someone is seriously hurt with a sprained ankle etc. At least with the boxing it was over quick enough. I’ve witnessed these dancing battles last over 3 hours. That’s a lot of Brooks.”

The letter, which effectively bans outdoor shows of line-dancing after midnight, indicates a hefty price will be paid for anyone caught challenging others to an impromptu dance-off. Our source confirmed:

“Already, this weekend, there have been three incidences of line-dancing battles in Brackaville on the Main Road, with hundreds of spectators blocking the road ‘yahooing’ and letting out screams of ‘yup, ye boy ye’ and stuff like that. It’s setting a bad example to children. What’s wrong with a box to the nose or are people too soft now? There’ll be £100 on the spot fines for anyone caught.”

The Tyrone Line-Dancing Committee have condemned any shows of spontaneous outdoor line-dancing challenges under the cover of darkness and have pleaded for people not to demean the good name of their discipline.

PSNI Cutbacks See Cops Use Real Hairdryers And Guessing

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New PSNI recruits

PSNI officials have confirmed that recent budget-tightening constraints have resulted in many officers using ghd Deluxe hairdryers and just guessing how fast cars have been going by counting in their heads how long it took for each motor to get from tree to tree or sometimes a lamp post to a fence.

Chief Inspector Kingsley Warrington admitted they haven’t always managed to get speeding estimates spot-on:

“A woman of 85 was done for doing 105mph in a 1988 Mini near Dungannon and I was immediately suspicious. It emerged that the Officer in question, when counting, sneezed twice and didn’t take that into consideration, marking the pensioner down for completing a quarter of a mile in 4 seconds. We’re looking to tightening this up a bit.”

This police force have come under further criticism when a male member of the Service was seen drying his hair with their new make-shift speed camera after a torrential downpour. Also, many tax payers maintain cheaper hairdryers could easily be purchased from Argos or Tesco. CI Warrington responded:

“I don’t think we’d be taken seriously if we were seen brandishing a Lidl hairdryer. The ghd brand are respected across the planet and if someone is done for speeding, they’re more likely to accept the charge when they see the new ghd aura® hairdryer for speedy ultimate root-lifting volume & super smooth shine. With two breakthrough innovations in technology, ghd aura offers a truly new drying and styling experience that delivers the ultimate in luxurious volume and a smooth, shiny finish. And 6 penalty points.”

PSNI officials have denied they’re to commence a new cost-cutting breathalyser initiative which sees officers sniffing the breath of suspect drink drivers and guessing how many pints they’ve had and then getting them to sing ‘I Will Survive’ into a karaoke machine.

Edendork Man Extradited To US – Part Of New Netflix Series

Unlikely that Avery has been to Edendork bingo

Unlikely that Avery has been to Edendork bingo

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.

It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.

Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.

It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.

Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.

With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.

Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.

Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.

In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.

Dromore Man Reports Imaginary Friend For Tax Fraud

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Felix and ‘James’

In a highly unusual development, the imaginary friend of a Dromore bachelor is currently being questioned in an Omagh detention centre over failure to return tax forms since 1994 as well as neglecting to pay TV, dog and gun licences and other minor misdemeanours.

Felix McGinn (48), who turned his friend ‘James’ (also 48) in at 5pm yesterday, revealed he was finding it hard to maintain a friendship due to the mountain of skulduggery his childhood partner was indulging in since the 1994 ceasefire.

“He seemed to react to the ceasefire by creating his own mayhem. I caught him on numerous occasions tripping people going up for communion or stealing money from my own mother’s purse. To be honest, I just don’t know him any more.”

Listing a damning roll of illegal activities which included going to matches without paying in and urinating in the swimming pool, McGinn expects to see a speedy verdict of mass fraud and general anti-social behaviour:

“I’ll be glad to see the back of him. He was never there when I needed him and would only turn up when there was an opportunity to do some damage and I’d get the blame. He’d be whistling at women in the town and I’d be the one getting the slap.”

 

A PSNI Fraud Squad spokesman has confirmed that questioning has been ‘difficult’ with the imaginary suspect regularly refusing to answer questions or even appearing in the room.

Black Friday Madness At Landi’s Cafe In Coalisland

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Outside Landi’s now

Witnesses have described the Black Friday carnage at a well known Coalisland fast food establishment as ‘sheer madness’ and ‘total bedlam’ after a deal on the sausage supper and a can of Lilt set pulses in the town racing.

The supper meal deal, which normally costs £4.99, was reduced to £3.99 for one day only, with a cowboy supper slashed from £5.99 to £5.20.

Before doors opened at 9am, an estimated 44 people were already shouldering each other in order to gain prime position for the charge to the counter. Although several calls were made to the PSNI to monitor the crowd before the opening by concerned town residents, authorities failed to appear with one police source reportedly saying ‘Coalisland? Are you serious?’

One regular punter, who was interviewed with a damaged sausage balancing delicately on his shoulder, revealed:

“Landi’s should have known better. I was in simply to get a bag of fish goujons for breakfast but ended up on the floor wrestling with a cousin over a portion of beans I didn’t even want. When the hurling sticks were produced I decided to give up the ghost but was still hit on the head with a severely battered sausage.”

Estimates suggest over 260 hungry customers were crammed into the premises at 9:30. Shortly after, a mini-riot commenced after owners admitted there was no Lilt left, with many refusing the offer of a free 7-Up.

“When the message was relayed about the Lilt, people lost it. The till was smashed and people were chanting things like ‘you can shove your Fanta up yer hole’ and stuff like that. This meal deal was an ill-advised decision.”

Early reports also suggest there were skirmishes just off the Tamnamore roundabout after a roadside strawberry vendor refused to reduce any of his prices for Black Friday.

Brackaville Man Pushing Wheelbarrow Receives Speeding Ticket

Gillis' barrow in happier times

Gillis’ barrow in happier times

A Brackaville builder has described the actions of the PSNI as ‘petty’ after he received a speeding caution whilst pushing a wheelbarrow down to Coalisland to get its tyre fixed.

Fonsie Gillis (58) was snapped on the downhill slope on Barrack Street pavement going at 8mph outside a school crossing with a 5mph speed limit. Gillis, who initially told the police he was ‘Dr Who’ when cautioned at the bottom of the hill, maintains the PSNI traffic controllers were being petty:

“Anyone who has wheeled a wheelbarrow down Barrack Street knows the thing can get away from you if you’re not careful. Instead of fighting the barrow, I went with it and ran at a steady pace. I even saw the police sitting in a van with the hair-dryer but never did I think they were monitoring me in a million years. There were motors flying past me.”

Gillis, who was as far as Dixon Court when he was eventually stopped, maintains he was going to a hardware store in Coalisland to fix a wobbly wheel. A close friend explained how feelings were running high in the area since the incident:

“Fonsie loved that barrow. He’d go everywhere with it. We’re not happy with what appears to be a deliberate sting on Gillis all because last week he legally parked it in the last parking space in Coalisland, forcing a PSNI motor to park miles away.”

A PSNI spokesman confirmed they issued a £90 fine to a 58 year old Brackaville man claiming to be ‘Dr Who’ for travelling at 8mph on Barrack Street in a restricted speed section of the road.

Gillis has 90 days to pay the fine and has been banned from operating wheelbarrows or any other small hand propelled vehicles. The wheelbarrow in question has been confiscated for the duration of the fining period.

Tyrone School Searches Pupils For Banned Black Puddings

Black puddings and spuds

Black puddings and spuds

An East Tyrone school has been accused of applying Draconian tactics after it emerged that black puddings were the latest cause of hyperactivity in children according to a report someone read in a magazine in Canada.

Kiltytresk P.S. reportedly searched the bags of all 200 pupils in their large rural school for the foodstuff after their Board of Governors banned the traditional blood sausage from their premises. A local journalist confirmed that over 40 pupils were caught with black puddings hidden in the lining of their school bags with some pupils stuffing it down their socks in a ploy to evade detection.

Headmaster Leo Pope confirmed there will be no backing down from their new ruling:

“In recent weeks we’d eliminated chocolate, fizzy drinks and crisps from our school menu but the children are still running amok. It wasn’t until one of the staff mentioned they’d read an article in a magazine in Toronto about 30 years ago which criticised the endorphins released by the pork blood, encouraging young people to squeal and jump like pigs, that we realised we’d been sitting on a time bomb here.”

A recent survey in the Kiltytresk townland showed that, on average, over 89% of children under the age of 16 eat up to ten black puddings a day.

“We’ve promised to set up black pudding help lines and courses for people weaning off the substance, especially at that age. A lot of people in East Tyrone are dependent on black puddings, far more than they’d care to let on.”

PSNI officials have warned underground black pudding vendors outside the school that they’ll shoot on sight.

Fraudulent Salesman Sold Newmills Woman ‘A Bit Of The Sky’

Sky divided in Brackaville

Sky divided in Brackaville

The PSNI have warned people in East Tyrone to be wary of a man with a strong South Armagh accent going from door-to-door selling bits of the sky above their houses.

The fraudster, who calls himself ‘Francie’, claims to work for ‘The Sky’ and attempts to sell 16-square feet of sky for £322 in a one-off cash payment. Police have worked out that he targets houses with no satellite dishes in the hope that the residents don’t know much about how Sky TV works.

One woman from Newmills, Dervla Adkins (44), admitted she took on the deal despite having grave reservations about how it all worked:

“Francie from The Sky was very convincing. He said the new Tory government were going to privatise any bits of sky not already bought and that they’d be using it for testing missiles and stuff. I certainly didn’t want that over my roof so I bought it and he gave me a certificate explaining the area of the sky I owned. He said my TV reception would be deadly now too because birds and things would not be allowed to fly through a purchased bit of sky.”

Adkins revealed her suspicions to the police after she spotted a whole flock of blackbirds sitting on her chimney the next day in her recently purchased sky bit, without a care in the world.

The PSNI have received 32 calls from house-owners in the greater Coalisland area who also fell for the sky deal. They were also called to a violent argument in Brackaville over who owned what bit of sky for kite flying and for smoke blowing from chimneys into other bits of sky owned by others.

Deceased Strabane Man Fined £60 For Speeding On Way To Funeral

Clamped hearse in Omagh

Clamped hearse in Omagh

A deceased 71-year old former funeral director from Strabane has been fined a posthumous £60 and warned about future conduct after the hearse he was resting in was caught doing 44mph in a residential 30mph zone in the town last night.

Jeremiah Pauncefoot, who passed away on Monday after a short illness, was making his way to his final resting place in a top-of-the-range solid panelled oak coffin when the hearse he had previously owned was flagged down by a PSNI officer on the Clady Road.

The young driver, who had just started work experience at the Pauncefoot Funeral Service, used his dead boss’s licence when asked for ID before finishing the journey and jumping on a boat to England.

Defendant for the deceased Fergie Logie admitted he was annoyed at the judge’s decision:

“Pauncefoot may have been a miserable funeral director when he was alive but one thing he definitely wasn’t was a speedster. That young trainee should be forking out the fine, whoever he was. Fortunately Jeremiah had a jar full of money in his office which was always suspected to be bribes he took from independent bereavement counselling companies in exchange for the addresses of the recently deceased. That’ll cover the fine and my fees.”

West Tyrone PSNI spokesman Rory Gilgull has warned undertakers across the county to be on their guard as this is just the start of a clamp-down on funeral directors who think they’re above the law.

“Undertakers are a menace on our roads and we’re prepared to take them on. Their intimidation of other road users has to stop. Last week a petrified pensioner was shouted at in her Micra by an undertaker who bellowed ‘move over old lady or you’re next‘ and winked whilst pointing to the back of the hearse. They’re ruthless and they park all over graveyards.”

Jeremiah Pauncefoot’s business has been bought over by his son, Darkness.

PSNI To Blow £14m Underspend On Easter Blow-Out Including Wolfe Tones Concert

PSNI practice for fancy dress disco

PSNI practice for fancy dress disco

Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.

Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.

A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.

Purchases already made includes:

  • 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
  • 2950 crates of Coors Lite
  • 1460 crates of Bitter
  • Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
  • 6 bouncy castles
  • A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
  • 1400 new batons
  • 2400 new face shields
  • 13 water canons from Mexico
  • 54 new hair dryers for speed detection

£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.

A high-ranking PSNI official added:

“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”

The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.

 

Drumquin Man Caught Legally Driving Last Night. Parents Distraught.

Tyres in deadly condition

Tyres in deadly condition

A Drumquin man’s family is blaming modern society after their son was caught with insurance, tax and MOT certificates, good tyres as well as a full tank of clean diesel.

Jeremy Maguire, a 26 year old joiner with no convictions since 2008, was stopped by police whilst travelling at 34 mph on the Dregish Road at 9pm on Sunday night for a random spot-check.

Onlookers described confusing scenes as police officers were seen nodding their heads in approval while rifling through documents and joking with the driver, at one stage giving a high five to the ex-Drumquin full back soon after the diesel was dipped.

Maguire’s father Pat, who did time for driving a pick-up with no tyres in 1988, admitted he felt ashamed walking around the local Spar this morning:

“People just kept staring or shaking their heads. I bought The Irish News, a pint of semi-skimmed and three apples and was charged £8.33. Everyone just stood there ready to light on me if I questioned the tally so I just paid it in silence and dandered out a broken man. Our Jeremy has always been a bit strange – filling up the windscreen washer regularly with the correct stuff and all.”

Mrs Maguire, who refused to be officially interviewed, blamed modern society on her son’s tendency to stick to the rules and has warned other parents to be careful of the dangers of YouTube and social media.

PSNI confirmed this evening that a car was stopped last night in the Dregish area and given the all-clear following a stringent spot-check including an emissions test.

Police Called To Annual Making Of St. Brigid’s Crosses At Brackaville

_72699476_st_brigits_cross_making_with_belfast_hills_partnership03A police spokesman has confirmed tensions may still be simmering today after they were called to the Brackaville club last night to monitor their annual making of St Brigid’s Crosses which ‘cut up rough‘ according to sources.

An altercation occurred soon after 8pm when three men from Coalisland were accused of sabotaging the rushes by squirting glue on the massed bunch in the middle of the floor. Children were reportedly inconsolable at not being able to get rushes off their hands.

Event organiser Fr Talbot added:

“As soon as I saw them Coalisland lads arriving I knew there’d be trouble. You could smell the drink off them and they were smirking and winking and stuff. I’ve no doubt they were squirting glue on the pile. The ‘Island ones have always been jealous of our cross-making culture.”

Punches were thrown at around 9pm when all 388 crosses were put up for show for the annual ‘Best Cross Award’ which sees the winner receive a 3-night stay at Roughan Castle. Fr Talbot explained:

“It was disgraceful. When we hung them up there were artefacts that definitely were not St Brigid’s Crosses: four were rush swastikas and three were just the 2-finger salute. Another one said ‘Brackaville are cat’ and another one read ‘no to dog litter’. I couldn’t help myself so I knocked out one of the lads with broken chair. It sort of spiralled out of control after that.”

One of the Coalisland 3 was forcibly removed from the scene, shouting ‘yiz are nothing but a bunch of pagans anyway‘ to the bewildered Brackaville contingent.

The making of a Brigid’s Cross is thought be a pre-Christian tradition commemorating the goddess Brigid who was one of the Tuatha Dé Danann. A decision on this will be made tonight in The Ceili House pub between a bunch of local pagans and a clatter of clergy.

Conor Gormley Takes Down Fintona Wind Turbine With Shoulder Charge To Celebrate Retirement

Wind-turbine-mainA stricken wind turbine which was felled on Friday on the Screggagh wind farm on Murley mountain near Fintona was said to be a last act of defiance by recently retired All Star defender Conor Gormley, sending out a message to the Tyrone side before they take on Armagh in the McKenna Cup this weekend.

A close friend of the Carrickmore man confirmed it was something Gormley would do and should not be looked on as an act of vandalism but as heroic as Finn McCool or Cuchulainn.

“Aye that’d be Conor alright. He’s not a man for words. I’d say he’s thought long and hard about a parting gift for the current squad, so he has decided to shoulder charge a wind turbine to the ground. He’s some boyo.”

The 80 metre turbine, valued at over £500,000, collapsed on Friday evening, scattering debris over a wide area. The sound of the failing mechanical structure was heard more than seven miles away. Some people said the sound was like thunder.

“I remember him shouldering Oisin McConville in 2003 and it was a similar sound.”

added former county squad player Sean Cavlan.

The Gormley turbine saga puts into the shade Armagh’s Francie Bellew who marked his retirement by clattering into the gable wall of the Crossmaglen PSNI barracks, causing £6000 worth of structural damage.

 

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