Monthly Archives: July 2019

Brocagh Man Still Can’t Remember Where He Parked His Car Outside Coalisland Supermarket

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Robinson, an hour ago

48 hours on, Brocagh pipe-mender Jody Robinson is still pondering where he parked his car after popping in to Springisland supermarket in Coalisland to buy cheap toilet rolls and a chicken in a bag.

Robinson, who has been standing in the outside foyer, thinking, since Monday, thought he’d parked it on the left hand side as you come out but isn’t totally sure. He refuses to walk any further in case people laugh at him walking around looking for it.

Mrs Robsinson, speaking from her home on the loughshore, maintains he’s too proud to ask for help:

“Jody is stubborn. But he’d need to hurry up as there has been no toilet roll for two days now and the children are growing weary of docken leaves. The chicken will be bucked too.”

Meanwhile, an entrepreneur from Aghyaran claims he has a method to cure car-parking forgetfulness. He has invented a car key which, when pressed in an emergency, shouts ‘I’m over here’ in an accent of your choosing. So far, the most popular accents have been Gortin and Plumbridge.

Shane Lowry and Tyrone GAA Team Up To Defeat The Dubs

6d01bc9b-dc49-46e9-a11e-6e010ff74197Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.

Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.

Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.

It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.

Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.

Tyrone GAA Players To Record ‘The Sash’ For Bonfire Charity

thomas-murdock-sash-2A number of the Tyrone Senior GAA panel were today in a recording studio in Omagh compiling a short 2-track album of ‘The Sash My Father Wore’  and ‘The Ladies Orange Lodge’ as a gesture of reconciliation, after some of the younger players were filmed belting out a rebel song coming home from beating Cavan at the weekend.

Although none of them were actually caught singing the song that was recently heard on the Alan Partridge show, as senior members of the squad they decided to live up to their role model statuses.

A leaked video of the session in Omagh today showed Colm Cavanagh furiously but happily hammering away at a Lambeg Drum with the Donnelly brothers adept at flute accompaniment.

The squad member added:

“Who knew Colm would be great at the Lambeg too? The only downside was Petey Harte who didn’t seem to know how to play the triangle at all, always missing the beat by a good bit. He was asked to leave before the end – a musical black card of sorts which I thought was harsh.”

He also informed us that McShane sang like an angel, accompanied by McCurry who rapped a portion of The Sash to give it a modern slant.

The 2-track album will be available on Spotify by tonight and in all good record stores.  A squad member confirmed tonight that all proceeds will go to the building of a massive bonfire in the middle of Carrickmore on the 11th night.

Lamp Posts To Be Banned To Solve Flags Issue

flagsThe Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.

They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.

The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:

“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”

Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.

Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:

“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.

Teachers Warned Over Laughing At Parents This Week

5-summer-break-winter-break-teacher-appreciation-apparel-funny-educator-gift-michael-sPSNI officials have confirmed that over 400 complaints have already been made about teachers openly goading and sniggering at parents wrestling with their own children in shops and parks since yesterday morning.

With all schools on their summer breaks, parents have been faced with the trauma of over seven weeks of entertaining their own offspring in trying, warm conditions. Simultaneously, most teachers have embarked on a lengthy period of sleeping in, drinking from midday and general slouchiness whilst poking fun at their students’ parents.

Maisie McGrath, a mother of five aged 5-16, revealed she almost came to blows with her son’s P5 teacher near the pea section at Lidl in Cookstown yesterday:

“The bitch was smirking away whilst my lad was tugging at my tabard looking for the ice cream section. I know exactly what she was thinking. I also think she was pissed and it was only 1pm.”

Hundreds of other complaints were made regarding laughing and sniggering at cinemas as teachers sat in the back rows poking fun at parents balancing food and snattery crying children at the same time.

Police have sent a letter to all teachers warning them to show some remorse in these early days or teacher internment will be considered until the end of July.

 

 

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