Monthly Archives: August 2020

Tyrone Crest Buffering Screen On Tyronegaa Live Matches Hypnotising Gaels Into Buy Merchandise, Claims Man

A psychologist from Brackaville maintains he bought three jerseys from O’Neills website straight after he purchased an online game on tyronegaa for £5 which buffered for 38 minutes in total.

Other pundits have also admitted to being similarly transfixed by the buffering screen which features the Tyrone crest and a small swirly ball which moves in a clockwise direction for up to seven solid minutes at a time. Many racked up 100s of pounds buying merchandise straight after games and not remembering doing it.

Pat Gillis, who used to bend spoons with his mind in the 80s, claims there may be a hypnotic algorithm at work here:

“One minute you’re tearing your hair out and calling tyronegaa all the bollockses of the day as you miss three scores and a sending off because of the buffering and staring at that wee ball and the crest, the next you’re feeling the need to buy 20 Tyrone face masks from O’Neills. All of a sudden £5 turns into £120.”

Tyronegaa have denied no such hypnotic approach to the streaming of live games but did admit they had a new head of merchandise PR who has proposed setting up 5G masts in the county for better streaming services.

Meanwhile, supporters have been told to stop f**kin and blinding on live matches as many children have been heard cursing straight after games in homes.

Parents Told To Wise Up And Stop Celebrating After Return To School Announced

Gortin, an hour ago.

Hundreds of parents across the county have been told to cease festivities after street parties broke out after the news that schoolchildren are to return to class full time from September.

Peter Weir’s announcement on the six o’clock was greeted with several audible ‘yeeeeeeooos’ in various townlands from grown men and women, with a serious lack of social distancing on show as drunken parents performed jigs and reels including The Waves of Tory and The Walls of Limerick.

PSNI rural expert Felicity Campbell warned parents:

“Wise up. For parents to be carrying on like that in broad daylight, drinking prosecco and their sad children looking out through their windows is disgraceful. Cookstown seemed to be the worst with the world’s longest conga line up the main street. We had to baton a crowd of delirious parents in Newmills.

With most children not having seen the inside of a classroom since March, many mothers have expressed delight at not having to wash the walls etc before teacher/class Zoom calls with this news.

Meanwhile, teaching unions have reminded parents that their annual gifts from graduating students in June can still be backdated when they return to work.

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