Monthly Archives: May 2023
Sheep And Cows To Replace Sniffer Dogs As Budget Cuts Hit PSNI
Farmers across the county are being offered incentives to give up their best detective livestock after it emerged that sniffer dogs are to be phased out due to the cost of maintaining the highly trained canines.
Already, sixteen cows and five bulls have been through an extensive training course to sniff out drugs, bodies, firearms and illegal distilleries, up in a remote part of north Tyrone under the Sperrin mountains. The cattle have experienced mixed success during early missions, with one cow wrecking a house near Galbally whilst searching the premises for a stolen box of Snickers from the local newsagent. The house was wrongly identified, with the PSNI currently embroiled in a £1.2m claim for damages.
Policing spokesperson Samuel Clinker added:
“The cattle need a bit of work but some of the sheep are first class at sniffing out narcotics. We uncovered over £3m of cocaine in Pomeroy after one of our sheep discovered the stash whilst sniffing its own excrement. Sniffer dogs will become a thing of the past.”
However, there are fears that some cattle and sheep will be targeted by hitmen if they prove to be outstanding in their fields.
GAA May Sell Exclusive Viewing Rights To Japanese Island For 2024 Season
The small Japanese community of Shikoku Island may get exclusive rights to the 2024 GAA season after it emerged they are frontrunners to secure the pay-per-view contract currently up for the highest bidder. RTE has been unable to match the Shikoku bid but has denied the suggestion that several of their board who have shares in Shikoku TV have influenced their decision.
Shikoku, which has baseball and soccer teams, has yet to form a GAA club but will enjoy exclusive viewing of the 2024 season for free, whilst the rest of the world could be charged up to £40 a game if current rates continue, if their £300m bid is accepted. It has since emerged that commentary will be in the local Japanese language.
Gary Mallon, a retired full-back from Edendork, fumed:
“Listen I’m delighted for the good people of Shikoku that they’ll be able to watch the likes of Peter Harte and Shane McGuigan for free, but how are we to afford £40 a match and it in Japanese? And you know what will happen. They’ll open up the Edendork Hall again and charge us £5 in and Edendork make millions again.”
Primary Schools have been urged to teach the basics of the Japanese language and in particulalry the Sanuki dialect.
Furniture Stores On High Alert After Sinn Fein Take Seats All Over The County
Over a dozen furniture stores in the county are barricading their premises at night after news reports indicated that Sinn Fein councillors have been lifting seats from all over the county in the past week.
A well known furniture store in The Moy have employed extra security staff to keep an eye out for the seat-stealers, who have also carried out daring raids in Lisburn and Ballymena.
Furniture entrpreprenuer Paddy Campbell from Cappagh warned:
“These Sinn Fein ones are ruthless. They stole 21 seats up in Omagh there. That’s like three tables at a wedding. I haven’t time to be making more seats only for the Shinners to nab them under the cover of darkness. I have three rottweilers though and I’ve trained them to attack anyone eyeing up seats around Cappagh.”
Sinn Fein lifted 144 seats in the last week, sparking speculation that they might be planning on a big sit-down celebration soon or an AGM or something.
Meanwhile, the SDLP have accused Sinn Fein of stealing their 20 missing seats whilst they were at their spring conference in Magherafelt in March. Senior figures in the SDLP were spotted looking for the seats yesterday but have given up hope of finding them.
They have challenged Sinn Fein to a game of Musical Chairs in Derry next week.
Tyrone Wordle Players Told To Stop Using SHITE As First Word
A linguist academic has urged Tyrone Wordle players to stop thinking SHITE will be used as a first word after it emerged that no one in the county has achieved a Wordle in one since its inception.
A recent survey in Cookstown Main Street of 300 Wordle players confirmed that 90% used SHITE as the first word, followed by balls, clift, eejit, bucko and gutty.
Dr Phillip Taylor, a distant relative to Dennis Taylor, has asked players to try some normal words like NOTES or BEATS.
“All I hear in the county is ‘oh it’s definitely going to be SHITE tomorrow’. No!! It’s not. It’s time for the people of Tyrone to get that idea out of their heads. It’s not going to happen. As it stands, we’re bottom of the table in Ireland. Even Derry ones have got it in one and many of them only took up English in secondary school.”
Dennis Taylor confirmed he also uses BALLS, followed by GREEN, BROWN, BLACK, DAVIS and then SHITE.
Church Might Start Charging For Confessions, Choirs, Communion, And Kneeling
Due to recent energy prices and maintenance costs, multi-denominational religions have issued a joint statement warning worshippers that they might have to start charging for the whole religious experience, from June 1st.
A leaked missive in the county has revealed a series of ideas to make money in the Catholic Church. These include:
- Charging £50 for a half-hour confession with total absolution thrown in
- £20 for a standard confession with partial absolution
- £1 per kneel during a Mass (50p if kneeling on one leg)
- £5 per communion bread or £100 for an annual subscription
- £200 from the total congregation for a shorter mass
- £2.99 for choir music
Loughmacrory Mass-goer Mary McLaughlin fumed:
“Some shower. I don’t have enough money to buy my children the latest iPads and they’re looking kneeling money. I’m a great kneeler and one Mass will cost me over £200 and that’s before the money for the communion. I hate the choir so I don’t mind that. I won’t be back and might try out the Protestantism.”
Fr Peter McCyrssler defended the proposed charges:
“Do people not realise the costs these days? I fork out £30 a week to keep my Aston Martin DBX SUV on the road and I’ve been eating just four meals a day in the past year. Parishioners would need to wind their necks in.”
A parish outside Coalisland has arranged a riot over the charges this weekend. The riot will start at 7pm and rioters have been asked to bring their own lunch.
Thousands Expected At Outside Screening Of Coronation In Coalisland
Organisers of the Coalisland big screening of Charles Windsor’s coronation as King of England have warned people to get there early to avoid the disappointment of being turned away and having to watch at home or even worse not at all.
The celebration, which will see local bands such as the Newmills Republican Flute Band and the Moygashel Pearses Accordion Band entertain the crowds before the kick-off, has been hailed as a hands-across-the-divide event, with local chip chop Landi’s putting on Union Jack sausages, and pies in the shape of the late Queen of England.
Spokesperson for the event Caoimhin O’Neill warned:
“We’re expecting the guts of 4000 people down the Lineside from as far away as Brackaville and Clonoe. It’s going to be mental. A great day for the parish.”
Party-goers have been asked to bring their own binoculars if they have to stand at the top of Platers Hill.
Meanwhile, anyone attending the event called Charlie or Charles will get a free 3-year pass to the cinema in the town which is showing Rocky 4 next week.