A freelance election poster maker from out the Tattyreagh Road, who has managed to monopolise the election poster business across all parties since 2007, has become the richest man in Ireland according to a list released on Easter Sunday by an English newspaper.
John McMahon (56) is reportedly ‘flat out’ making new posters as we go to print, having today been given the nod by Stormont politicians for another polling session. In addition, the Dungannon Campus in the South West College has already started enrolling students for ‘Poster-Making’ Diplomas starting in September 2017.
Taking a break from making a set of new posters for the SDLP, McMahon was unwilling to talk about how much he’d actually made in the last 12 months:
“Let’s just say I can now afford to go to the pictures and buy food there without having to take out a Credit Union loan. I’ve an exclusive agreement with the DUP, TUV, UUP, SF, SDLP, Greens, Alliance and a couple of others. And they all pay well, especially if I touch up a few of them using Photoshop.”
McMahon also confessed that the business also almost cost him his marriage after he was accused of spending ‘too long touching up’ a couple of the new Sinn Fein MLAs’ posters.
McMahon denied he was involved in a turf war when a rival election poster business had to close down due to a series of defaced posters from the new company appeared in Mid-Ulster, with crude drawings of male genitalia appearing on the posters of several prominent DUP politicians.
“I can categorically state that was NOT me”
he said before walking back into his shed, laughing his head off.
McMahon’s business is reportedly raking in over £3m a year with many unused posters being sold on the black market to bonfire builders.
Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.
Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.
Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.
Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:
“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”
Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:
“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”
Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.
The controversy around the Renewable Heat Incentive scheme, an attempt by the Northern Ireland Executive to help to increase consumption of heat from renewable sources, has taken a further twist this morning after a whistleblower from Strabane produced more damning evidence of its misuse.
Leaked photos confirm that farmers from all over the county have been visiting a shed in Strabane which has been fitted out with 50 hi-tech sunbeds, fired by burning millions of wood pellets being sold on the black market by a strawberry farmer in Eglish.
The anonymous source, who was a long-term user of the sunbeds until a bad burning when he fell asleep in one, revealed the extent of the racket:
“Why did you think farmers had a deadly tan in winter? We all use the ‘Strabane Shed’ as it’s known in farming circles, some times three days a week, free of charge. Yer man is making millions whilst sporting a glowing tan all year around and the women hanging off him in he town. But it has to stop. The Health and Safety Policy is non-existent.”
Additionally, the puzzle of the prevelance of giant tomatoes across the county this year has finally been solved as other whistleblowers explained how sheds were also using the RHI scheme to create enormous fruit and vegetables. One such tomato was shared over 4 million times on social media after it was purchased on the side of a road near the M1. The picture showed that the tomato was bigger than the car wheel of a Seat Ibiza.
An SDLP councillor in Clady, PQ Guiney, warned:
“What don’t we know? I’ve heard stories that these sheds, with the heat powered by burning wooden pallets from the Moy, were being used to make really big sheep…you’d have to wonder why.”
Arlene Foster has yet to comment on this new evidence.
The newly formed Ghost-Oh Party, whose manifesto includes forming a nudist beach on the loughshore by 2030, were today described as bullish and confident that they’ll make inroads on traditional well-performing parties in the area including Sinn Fein, the DUP and SDLP during Thursday’s assembly election.
Furthermore, Sinn Fein election agents have admitted that Michelle O’Neill, Linda Dillon and Ian Milne are nervous about the impact Joey Coney will have in the Mid-Ulster constituency after his recent promise of curing diabetes, heart disease and consumption before the new year appears to have got tongues wagging in the greater Ardboe area.
SDLP voter Ronnie Stooply added:
“Coney’s a crackpot but he seems to be getting noticed. He said he’ll replace the Ardboe Cross with a bronze statue of Frank McGuigan. We thought that’d lose him the religious vote but it only seemed to have strengthened it. I can see the Ghost-Oh Party pulling in at least 6000 votes, especially now that Coney promises to make Midge ‘n’ Eel Soup a national delicacy and increasing tourism in Ardboe by 4000% because of it.”
Already a smear campaign has begun against Coney, with news leaked to local and national newspapers regarding his murky past which included wrestling with an 80-year old lollipop lady in Cooktown in 1998 over the last Irish News in a newsagent and his refusal to contribute money during the collection plate at Mass throughout the 80s.
“I have the Shinners spooked. My promise to bring the US Masters to Ardboe by 2025 is not a pie-in-the-sky scheme. I’ve already run it by Rory McIlroy and he said ‘aye, right’ and winked which is good enough for me. All Sinn Fein can promise is to fix potholes. I intend to tackle black holes, and we all know what I mean by that…”
..before walking off and laughing like mad at a cow dunging.
Following the news of David Cameron’s alleged affection for pigs and other porcine related animals, Dungannon Piggery have hired extra security after members of the UUP, Sinn Fein, SDLP, DUP and even the Green Party were spotting loitering suspiciously outside the wire fences which keep the pigs safe from harm.
Piggery owner and animal-lover Caoimhin Bacon revealed he was not overly surprised at the allegations against the UK’s Prime Minister:
“I’ve known for years that men in a governmental position develop an affinity with all manner of pork, from wild boars to the common domestic pig. I even remember an Alliance politician who was mad into the warthogs. I don’t understand it myself but I suppose it takes all kinds.”
Bacon (55) maintains that the allegations against the English PM will encourage some current MLAs to become slightly bolder in their pursuit of their porky pleasures:
“Even this morning I spotted a Sinn Fein MLA working in cahoots with a high profile DUP politician trying to lure a crowd of sows over by throwing a pile of truffles at them. The Asian Pot-Bellied pig seems to be a big favourite of the SDLP lads so we’ll be keeping a close eye on that one too.”
The Dungannon Piggery Ltd have installed electric fencing around their premises since this morning’s revelations and have hired over 200 security men who previously worked at the old defunct Tyrone Brick factory. One of the heavies, Padraig McDonald, admitted that this was much harder work than his previous employment:
“At Tyrone Brick all we had to do was keep an eye out for young teenagers looking to steal bricks to throw at the Brits and to make sure they didn’t lift too many. This work is much harder. I even caught one MLA from Carrickmore this morning in a field, dressed up as a tree and moving inch by inch towards our premises. Sleeked enough characters.”
Dungannon Piggery is closed to the public until further notice.
Political analysts have urged Tyrone voters not to get too carried away by promises from politicians, advising people not to get their hopes up if their chosen candidate gets elected.
At a live televised debate between politicians competing for votes in various constituencies, the studio audience appeared to get whipped into a frenzy by increasingly outlandish claims from party members including jobs for everyone over the age of 16 to roads so smooth that you could iron your shirt on it.
Local politics commentator Ronald McSheery offered a word of caution to voters:
“People maybe got a bit carried away on the TV. When the DUP promised jobs for everyone, paying at least £30’000 per annum, Sinn Fein countered it by saying they’d tarmac every road using brilliant steamrollers. Then the SDLP felt left out so they reckoned they’ll give everyone a fiver a week. So the UUP threw their lot in by promising DLA for everyone with a slight limp even without a doctor’s note.”
McSheery, who was observing the debate from a media balcony, was shocked at the audience’s reaction:
“The bigger the bullshit the crazier the audience became. When the Green Party said they’ll have a big green-themed party in fields all over the county once a week with a free bar and free crisps, people were jumping up and down yahoo-ing and kissing and stuff. It was madness. People here aren’t used to this type of politicking. They believe it.”
One Cooktown voter maintains he’ll be voting Sinn Fein as they’ll be fixing every road themselves.
“I’m usually a DUPer but I’ll be putting my X beside the Shinners this time cos that road out my back turns my car into shite every time I head out. The man said he’ll tarmac it himself in his suit the morning after the election.”
Opinion polls in Mid-Ulster put independent candidate Pat-Joe Muldoon as firm favourite after he promised to legalise illegal alcohol, illegal fuel and women of the night.
Following news that the PSNI underspent their annual budget to the value of £14 million, insiders confirmed that a massive Easter party and parade has been commissioned by police headquarters in Dungannon with the The Wolfe Tones reportedly headlining a concert which will round off a five-day session.
Faced with either handing back the money to the government or receiving a reduced budget next year, officials in the police force have voted to blow the money on beer, chocolate and concerts in the run-up to Easter, as well as male and female dancers.
A document leaked to our office catalogues what is planned for the 5-day extravaganza which will be attended by over 4500 police officers on off-duty at various times from April 1st-April 5th.
Purchases already made includes:
- 1390 Yorkie and Smartie easter eggs (large)
- 2950 crates of Coors Lite
- 1460 crates of Bitter
- Easter Sunday concert featuring The Wolfe Tones, Moygashel Flute Band and The Portuguese Ukulele Orchestra
- 6 bouncy castles
- A £300’000 firework display of red, white, blue, green and orange colours.
- 1400 new batons
- 2400 new face shields
- 13 water canons from Mexico
- 54 new hair dryers for speed detection
£1 million has also been set aside for a 4000-strong fancy dress party to be held up on Dungannon Hill for police forces across the world with a strict 1980s dress code enforced and music provided by the Village People Tribute Band from Killyman.
A high-ranking PSNI official added:
“Them folks on the hill will see none of that £14 million – a bit like the Northern Bank money I suppose. There’ll be some sore heads on Monday morning. Any remaining money will be spent on upping the Ardoyne overtime for the lads.”
The SDLP, DUP, Sinn Fein and UUP will all sent representatives to the various functions that week to make sure the money is spent wisely.
Accusations Of ‘Inside Job’ As Gerry Adams Finishes Second At Carrickmore Naked Trampolining Competition
A Pomeroy naked trampolinist has had his winner’s cheque withheld after the Carrickmore judge was accused of being a great friend of the winner, whose jumping was described as ‘not that deadly’ by the strong Sinn Fein contingent supporting their party leader Gerry Adams.
Adams, who invented naked trampolining in 2012 and currently holds the Irish, British and Commonwealth titles in the sport, was expected to romp to victory at the Carrickmore event which featured many well known locals including Malachi Cush, Ciaran McClean, Plunkett Donaghy, Michelle Gildernew, Tom Elliot and Lynette Fay. The competition was won by Pomeroy lawyer Jack Kavanagh and adjudicated by Carrickmore veteran Patsy Gormley.
Over £40 was raised for a new coat of paint for the gable wall on the way into the village.
Spectator and naked trampolining enthusiast Deckie Bogue, a Fermanagh journalist and bare-chested midnight-lamping champion, announced his shock at the blatant skulduggery on display:
“Adams was by far the best naked trampolinist there today. He glided gracefully in the cold Carrickmore mist, his twisted torso a sight to behold. Gildernew and Donaghy were good at maintaining a straight back whilst Cush was perhaps hindered what God gave him in abundance as it was flapping all over the place and distracting everyone. But Kavanagh was middlin to say the least. This was a backhander job.”
The SF contingent booed heavily after the decision was announced and burst into a rendition of ‘Something Inside So Strong’. A despondent Adams, who lost his first competition since a defeat in 2013 in East Belfast, tried to remain philosophical after the defeat:
“I’m not going to accuse the Carrickmore/Pomeroy lads of anything. The reality of the situation is if you come to a place like this, you need to jump higher and better as there’s always a chance there’ll be a home-town decision. But I’ll be back. I haven’t gone away y’know. I’m just glad I bate Tom Elliot.”
Winner Kavanagh and judge Gormley were later seen laughing and joking outside the SDLP offices.
Lynette Fay was judged best newcomer after her maiden performance but has been warned about her risky tattoos for future outings.
Tyrone Tribulations were delighted to be granted an exclusive interview with Seamie ‘The Red Boy’ McCloy, an independent candidate for the Mid-Ulster seat, from Galbally.
WHAT MAKES YOU AN IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR MID-ULSTER?
Well, lucksee, I’ve been living in Mid-Ulster since I was born. I know all the roads. Manys a night I walked every road on my way home from Clubland or Dormans or even the Cohannon Inn after a night on the tear. I know every pothole and sheuk. Molloy might be a Tyrone man but sure he spent half his time helping them Fermanagh ones. I’ll not be doing anything of the sort. I’m a pure bred Tyrone man.
BUT YOUR CONSTITUENCY COVERS DERRY?
What? Does it? Well, if I’m elected we’ll be seeing about that. And we’ll be taking all of Ballinderry back too. That’s not to say I don’t want them Derry wans not to vote for me. Far from it. Get me in and you get your Derry back for yourselves. Tyrone and Derry have no business mixing with each other. McGuinness was cute about that. He took over when Tyrone were going well and pretended we were all the one. Not any more. A vote for me is a vote for independence.
SO WHAT IS YOUR MANIFESTO?
What kind of question is that? I’ve nothing to hide.
SORRY, YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME. A MANIFESTO IS A DECLARATION OF INTENTIONS IF YOU’RE EVER VOTED IN.
So what are you saying? I’m not intending on anything. I’m open and transparent. You hacks are slippery wee bastards.
OK. IF YOU ARE VOTED IN, WHAT CHANGES WILL YOU MAKE?
That’s more like it. Well, I’ve already told you about the geographical changes. Secondly, I will lower taxes on alcohol, smoking as well as offering financial relief for those caught doing the double or mixing fuel or things like that. They’re the real issues in Mid-Ulster/New Tyrone. I’ll also be asking for permission to stop cops who are stopping cars looking to dip. Turn the tables on them so to speak. Like a new B Special gang under my control. We’ll police the police.
YOU DO REALISE YOU CANNOT LOWER TAXES? ONLY WESTMINSTER OR STORMONT CAN AFFECT THAT.
That’s what you think. Vote for me. Vote for change. Vote for standing up to the man.
OK. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL IN ENOUGH VOTES TO OUST MOLLOY, MCGLONE AND FRAZER?
Them boys wouldn’t have the balls to attempt what I’m going to achieve if I get in. I’m proposing an extra day at the weekend, possibly moving Thursday between Friday and Saturday. The working week will be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then Friday. Mondays will also move between Tuesday and Wednesday once a month to give a four-day weekend of Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. You’d get some work done around the house that weekend and still have time for a game or two and a slap of pints. I’ll also be taking five minutes off the journey from Dungannon to Coalisland by allowing buses to fly down the Coalisland Road towards the Bush at any speed they want. I’m thinking of redesigning the graveyards in the constituency by adding spooky music at night in order to attract horror film producers etc. I’ve loads of great ideas like this boy. A tax on red-haired people and priests who take more than forty minutes for a mass.
WHAT ABOUT THE FLAGS ISSUE?
Pressed concrete flags don’t bother me. They’re great for hopscotch for the childer. Anyone tripping on flags just needs to watch where they’re walking.
HAVE YOU A CAMPAIGN MOTTO AND GAMEPLAN?
I’m going to give the people of Mid-Ulster an American-style experience. I’ll be using women in bikinis picked at random from the Dungannon swimming pool to flank me on road tours, probably in the Toyota Corolla shouting at Shinners or Stoops. I’m inviting Molloy to a head-to-head bare-knuckle boxing match down at the Washingbay to raise money for a badger crematorium in Stewartstown, powered by coal bought up at Cappers at Tamnamore. My motto is, “Vote McCloy X. He’ll buck it into them.”