McCloy campaign poster

Tyrone Tribulations were delighted to be granted an exclusive interview with Seamie ‘The Red Boy’ McCloy, an independent candidate for the Mid-Ulster seat, from Galbally.

WHAT MAKES YOU AN IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR MID-ULSTER?

Well, lucksee, I’ve been living in Mid-Ulster since I was born. I know all the roads. Manys a night I walked every road on my way home from Clubland or Dormans or even the Cohannon Inn after a night on the tear. I know every pothole and sheuk. Molloy might be a Tyrone man but sure he spent half his time helping them Fermanagh ones. I’ll not be doing anything of the sort. I’m a pure bred Tyrone man.

BUT YOUR CONSTITUENCY COVERS DERRY?

What? Does it? Well, if I’m elected we’ll be seeing about that. And we’ll be taking all of Ballinderry back too. That’s not to say I don’t want them Derry wans not to vote for me. Far from it. Get me in and you get your Derry back for yourselves. Tyrone and Derry have no business mixing with each other. McGuinness was cute about that. He took over when Tyrone were going well and pretended we were all the one. Not any more. A vote for me is a vote for independence.

SO WHAT IS YOUR MANIFESTO?

What kind of question is that? I’ve nothing to hide.

SORRY, YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME. A MANIFESTO IS A DECLARATION OF INTENTIONS IF YOU’RE EVER VOTED IN.

So what are you saying? I’m not intending on anything. I’m open and transparent. You hacks are slippery wee bastards.

OK. IF YOU ARE VOTED IN, WHAT CHANGES WILL YOU MAKE?

That’s more like it. Well, I’ve already told you about the geographical changes. Secondly, I will lower taxes on alcohol, smoking as well as offering financial relief for those caught doing the double or mixing fuel or things like that. They’re the real issues in Mid-Ulster/New Tyrone. I’ll also be asking for permission to stop cops who are stopping cars looking to dip. Turn the tables on them so to speak. Like a new B Special gang under my control. We’ll police the police.

YOU DO REALISE YOU CANNOT LOWER TAXES? ONLY WESTMINSTER OR STORMONT CAN AFFECT THAT.

That’s what you think. Vote for me. Vote for change. Vote for standing up to the man.

OK. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL IN ENOUGH VOTES TO OUST MOLLOY, MCGLONE AND FRAZER?

Them boys wouldn’t have the balls to attempt what I’m going to achieve if I get in. I’m proposing an extra day at the weekend, possibly moving Thursday between Friday and Saturday. The working week will be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then Friday. Mondays will also move between Tuesday and Wednesday once a month to give a four-day weekend of Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. You’d get some work done around the house that weekend and still have time for a game or two and a slap of pints. I’ll also be taking five minutes off the journey from Dungannon to Coalisland by allowing buses to fly down the Coalisland Road towards the Bush at any speed they want. I’m thinking of redesigning the graveyards in the constituency by adding spooky music at night in order to attract horror film producers etc. I’ve loads of great ideas like this boy. A tax on red-haired people and priests who take more than forty minutes for a mass. 

WHAT ABOUT THE FLAGS ISSUE?

Pressed concrete flags don’t bother me. They’re great for hopscotch for the childer. Anyone tripping on flags just needs to watch where they’re walking.

HAVE YOU A CAMPAIGN MOTTO AND GAMEPLAN?

I’m going to give the people of Mid-Ulster an American-style experience. I’ll be using women in bikinis picked at random from the Dungannon swimming pool to flank me on road tours, probably in the Toyota Corolla shouting at Shinners or Stoops. I’m inviting Molloy to a head-to-head bare-knuckle boxing match down at the Washingbay to raise money for a badger crematorium in Stewartstown, powered by coal bought up at Cappers at Tamnamore. My motto is, “Vote McCloy X. He’ll buck it into them.”