Bovine Slapping Session

  BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Residents of a field in Brocagh were in uproar last night following news that a herd of Fresian cows has controversially annexed the march ditch between its own field and a neighbouring field, halfway along the Ballybeg Road.

Tension has been growing in recent weeks between different factions in the area, and in particular between two herds of cows, one Fresian, one Limousin. The situation worsened last Tuesday following the hostile entry into the ditch by three young Fresian calves which escalated further still as they aggressively dunged the ditch to claim it as their own.

The Fresians insisted that prior to the annexation they had conducted a democratic vote for the residents of the ditch, although this was hotly disputed by many.

Roger Parsley, a rabbit from near the end of the march ditch, insisted that the ballot results had been illegally doctored by the Fresians.

“It’s a feckin’ disgrace. How were we even supposed to tick the ballot papers? We’re not fit to. We haven’t even got an opposable thumb to hold the pen with. The whole thing was rigged. Is that a piece of lettuce?”

Parsley also claimed that ethnic cleansing was taking place, and that the Fresians had employed a team of foxes to displace dozens of families.

“Last night me and the missus were, well, a bit busy like. We’re rabbits, understand? I’m not going to spell it out. Anyway, a whole lock of foxes went past the burrow making all sorts of threats, dropping hints about what might happen if we didn’t move out, asking if we had ever watched ‘Fatal Attraction’ and suchlike”.

The United Nations have since appointed a special peacekeeping envoy in the form of a 4-year old tawny owl called Henry, which itself became embroiled in controversy after two families of dormice living near the ditch disappeared, which the owl guiltily dismissed as ‘probably just being a coincidence’.

The Limousins in the other field have since imposed sanctions by refusing the Fresians access to the big bath full of rainwater at the side of their field.

Meanwhile, a statement was released at the weekend by the three Fresian calves who took control of the march ditch which said that they ‘were only following orders’.