Monthly Archives: March 2022

Comedians Across The County Fear The Slap Since Oscars

Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.

Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.

Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.

The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.

In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.

Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.

Kerry GAA Hire Former Sniper As Water Bottle Watchman For Tyrone Match

In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.

Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.

The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.

Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:

“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”

In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.

Lockdown Sees Worrying Rise In Cousin Fancying Again Along Tyrone/Derry Border, Says Study

diagram sent to schools

Scientists at the University of Ulster have confirmed that a lesser-talked about side effect from the last couple of years has been the rise in local men and women starting to fancy their cousins again, especially those on the Derry side of Ballinderry and Lissan.

Due to part-isolation and not straying too far from their localities, the century old problem of cousins tackling each other in hedges and bell towers has risen its head to levels not seen since the 1950s in the Mid-Ulster area.

Schools have already been asked to educate pupils on the dangers of cousin-fancying and point to some unusual looking families on the Tyrone/Derry border as evidence, although most of that was put down to just marrying Derry ones.

Ulster GAA have already confirmed that should Tyrone defeat in the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship and go on to meet Derry, there will be piles of segregation going on between the two sets of supporters to prevent further fancying, with a dozen priests signed up to roam the stand in order to cut out the scourge of related courting.

Logan And Dooher Fix Tyrone Bench Problem

By Eamonn Lowe

Yesterday morning over a Mocha (oat milk, 3 brown sugars), Fergal Logan finally broke his silence around the ‘Tyrone Bench Question’ which has single-handedly kept Irish News journalists busy for three months due to a rash of retirements.

Ignoring the £4.50 caramel squares, Fergal explained:

“You know, the boys call her “Denise”…always have done. But Brian and I just knew she wasn’t right…We tried her ourselves and you just couldn’t sit on her for more than a few minutes without getting sort of sore…and after 20 minutes or so you started to feel desperately out of sorts, your mouth went dry and your fingers started sweating”. 

Warming to the topic, like a man who loves to burn his own tongue with a chocolate froth, Fergal continued:

“Brian and I had many an anguished word on this up there in the Garvaghy rain. I said I’d rebuild Denise from scratch with only the finest materials: timber you’d kill your best yew for, reinforced ratchets and bolts dipped in the bleep-test tear bucket…Brian, being Brian enrolled himself on an online Feng Shui course. He’s 5th Dan in that now, he never stops…and now today I want to reassure all Tyrone supporters that this new bench…this new Denise – Dazzler’s calling her “Darling Denise”, not that he’s allowed near her, is the finest bench that’s ever graced a Tyrone squad …in terms of her physical make up I mean… and that Brian himself has her whole energies and what-nots fully aligned and we just want this whole question of our bench to now be put to bed – as it were, like”.

This new bench was unveiled to the squad on Tuesday night in a behind-closed-doors ceremony. Fergal wouldn’t be drawn on whether those Tyrone players who remain in the squad were banned from sending photos of Denise to ex-players, now estranged.

Red Diesel Merchants Seen Winking, Smirking And Rubbing Hands

Several red diesel merchants in the county were reported to be in ‘great spirits’ at the weekend as fuel prices soared across the country.

One high profile red dieseler was surrounded by over 300 parishioners after leaving Mass on Sunday morning in Eskra, with one onlooker claiming he was the most popular man in the area since the local ice-cream man started serving under the counter stuff last summer.

A Brackaville professional people-watcher, Pat Sheehy, claimed one of the fuel merchants he knows ‘couldn’t have been annoyed’ at the weekend, despite several attempts to annoy him.

“He was in some form, and has been for over a week. He keeps winking and saying ‘well boys’ in a very annoying manner. I tried some heavy slagging but he’s in such good form it didn’t bother him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He even bought a new campervan with a double duvet.”

The PSNI have warned motorists that an intense dipping sessions will begin next week. Car owners in the greater Coalisland area have confirmed they will develop a new way of warning fellow drivers of the dippers, but will not be using the ‘how’s she cutting’ universal sign.

Stewartstown Man Demanding Half Of Winnings From Scratch Card He Gifted To Cousin On Birthday

A Stewartstown boiler servicer is currently involved in a stand-off with his cousin after the latter won £25 on a scratch card the former bought him for his 50th birthday.

Aphonsis Logan (51) is refusing to talk to his relative, Proinsias, until he hands back at least £12.50 from the winnings, and has even gone as far as saying he’ll settle for a tenner, reluctantly.

“What kind of a bollocks scratches a winning card that was gifted to him, and then boasts about it to the man who bought it for him. I’m currently in discussion with our other cousin Fergal to see if there is a legal entitlement here. And he can forget about crossing my land to get to the well.”

Proinsias has been instructed by his wife not to budge on the matter, insisting that the £25 has been spent already anyway, in the local butchers.

In other news, a speed bump has been erected up the aisle in a church near Lissan after the local priest complained of being put under pressure to dish out communion.

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