In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.
Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.
The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.
Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:
“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”
In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.
Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower.
The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.
It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:
“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”
Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.