Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.