Category Archives: Castlecaulfield
A Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.
Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.
Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.
Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:
“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”
Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
A Granville man fears his two-year relationship with his girlfriend may be over after the toilet refused to flush away a substantial article following Sunday lunch last week at her parent’s house on Parkanaur Road in Castlecaulfield.
24 year old Nickey Conway had been invited to have dinner by Nuala Brady with her parents Padraig and Edele and younger brother Martin. Problems began after Conway excused himself to use the facilities shortly after having devoured a third slice of Mrs Brady’s Malteser cheesecake.
“To be fair, I had had a big feed the night before so I was already sitting on an elephant. As I lowered the keks I knew it wasn’t going to be straightforward” said Conway, a mechanic from Granville. “But by the time my eyes started watering I knew I was it was going to be a right handlin’”.
Following the seventh unsuccessful flush, an increasingly agitated Conway started looking for equipment to help to send the offending item on its way, and considered at various moments using Mrs Brady’s loofah back-scratcher, Mr Brady’s electric toothbrush, and young Martin’s bottle of Mister Matey.
“Jaysus, I was panicking. At one stage I was about to fish the buckin’ thing back out with a facecloth and just throw it into the cistern to get rid of it. At least her wee brother might have got the blame”, said Conway doubtfully. “But none of it mattered. To be honest, the only thing that would have helped would have been hitting it over the back with a spade”.
An embarrassed Nickey returned to the dinner table muttering “I’d leave it a few minutes if I were you” to the Brady family, but the matter was further compounded.
“As if it wasn’t bad enough leaving that big yolk just sitting there in their toilet, the smell had followed me downstairs. They all pretended not to notice but I could see Mrs Brady trying not to gag as she offered round the Hobnobs. Jaysus, it was some job. In more ways than one”.
Following the incident, Mrs Brady had to be dissuaded by her husband from taking a number of drastic actions because of the stench, which included going to stay with her sister, phoning Rentokil, and at one stage calling Father Moore from St John’s to conduct an exorcism in the bathroom.
The worrying problem of pensioner biscuit addiction worsened yesterday in the County when three octogenarians from Cappagh were arrested for manufacturing substitute custard creams and trying to sell them in the Pomeroy Diamond. It is believed that the pensioners were trying to make home-made biscuits using custard powder, milk and two small rectangular pieces of cardboard.
“The price of custard creams is now up to 75p for 400 grams, and that has created a thriving black market” said Chief Inspector John Quinn of the PSNI, which has set up a dedicated ‘Custard Cream Team’ to deal with the problem. “The addiction is a growing problem in Tyrone. Walk round Stewartstown on a Saturday morning and you can hardly move for the used teabags lying about. It’s disgusting. People are scared of going out of their house for fear of being accosted by a wrinkly pestering them for a ‘couple of biccies’. The street price for sandwich biscuits has gone crazy, with a single chocolate bourbon costing as much as 7 pence on some street corners in East Tyrone”.
Quinn also warned of a growing scam across the County, “where pensioners ask if they can ‘just pop in for a wee cup of tae in ma hand’ and as soon as the unwitting neighbour’s back is turned they’re getting tore into the biscuit box like a demon possessed”.
“I started experimenting with biscuits when I got into my 70s” said Kitty Clarke, a biscuit taker from Cabragh. “At first I just took them recreationally when I was down the Killeeshil Community Centre on a Wednesday morning at the sewing bee, maybe the odd fig roll or malted milk. But by the time I was 75 I was into the heavy stuff like chocolate bourbons, custard creams, even jammy dodgers. They say crystal meth rots your teeth? Try troughing your way through six packets if iced gems without so much as a cup of tea. I feel so ashamed. Last week I got into a fight with old Tommy Crawford from Castlecaulfield, because I had got hold of his ginger nuts and wouldn’t let go. We’re fine now, but only because he insisted I gave him a chocolate finger”.
In a desperate effort to curb the problem Dungannon Hospital has started administering substitute custard creams in the form of garibaldis and digestives. The hospital also has a detox programme, gradually weaning the pensioners onto hobnobs, to rich tea biscuits and finally onto a plain piece of Ryvita bread.
Readers affected by this article should contact any branch of Biscuits Anonymous.
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A 28-year old Benburb joiner finally admitted to his family yesterday lunchtime that he doesn’t like champ, and never has. Aiden Rafferty’s dramatic ‘coming out’ occurred during a chicken roast dinner at his ma’s house in the Tullydowey Road before Eastenders on RTE, when he finally plucked up the courage to tell his father Tom, mother Mary, and two sisters Roisin and Rachel.
“Growing up I knew I was different to the other kids,” said Rafferty. “They were all just horsing the champ into them like mad and I just wasn’t like that. I was always confused about my feelings towards the potato. Some of the kids used to call me hurtful names, ‘potater hater’ and all that. I tried to ignore the cruel jibes but it was never easy, especially the Dungannon ones at the Academy.”
It has emerged that his family are still adjusting to the news. Late last night a fight was reportedly broken up outside the Benburb Arms involving Tom Rafferty who reacted violently to a bit of gentle slagging about his ‘champion son’ and other potato-related puns.
“When I told my da he just stood up and walked out the room. He only came back when mum brought out the Blue Ribands. He hasn’t talked to me since. I think it’s hard for him to accept me as I am, him being originally from Eglish and all. My mum has been more supportive, and my sister Roisin said that she always suspected I didn’t like champ. I’ve been keeping this inside me for so long, I can now be true to myself and get tore into the basmati rice whenever I like”.
Some locals have reacted badly to the news, calling for Rafferty to be chased out of the townland to somewhere like Donaghmore or Castlecaulfield where other fussy food people live in relevant harmony. Others have welcomed the news, intimating that it will help Benburb stumble into the 21st century.
Rafferty is currently receiving support and counselling from the Champ & Colcannon Aversion Trust in Craigavon, which helps those with potato disinclination. Anyone affected by this article can contact them on 02980 665887.
A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:
“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”
In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
There was a sense of unease in Dungannon today after last night’s annual Scrabble tournament saw a foreign victor for the first time since its inception in 1984. With Matel announcing that they were allowing proper nouns, Polish native Wojech Wasnickski (19) romped to the title, beating 10-time champion and ex-schoolteacher Colm Doris (55) by over 100 points in the final. Wasnickski admitted afterwards that he simply spelt out the names of places from home as well as a few cousins’ first names. Doris said he was finding the whole thing a bit shambolic.
“Listen, everyone knows I’m the smartest in Dungannon. I’ve won this thing ten times. Last year I used words no one around here had ever heard of such as ‘ladylike’ and ‘apologetically’. Now these buckin rules have changed and yer man Wasnickski was in his element. I think he was making half them names up. He scored 122 points for Aleksandrów Kujawski. He says it is near Warsaw. Like for Jaysus’ sake. The longest we have is Loughmacrory or Castlecaufield. He then scored over 200 points for his cousin’s name, Benedyck Banaszynski. The most I managed was 43 for Iggy Jones. I’d have doubts that this Benedyck lad exists atall.”
Wasnickski goes on now to the county final as hot favourite where he’ll met the champions from other areas including three-time champion Hettie Horridge (82) who emerged from the Moortown heat yet again, winning her final with the word ‘budley’. Although not existing in the Oxford English Dictionary, local words are allowed as long as they’re placed in context by the user. Her explanation of “My husband has some budley on him” was found to be an acceptable usage.
The Tyrone Council sparked outrage in parts of the county today when they announced they are to sell off Castlecaulfield to the highest bidder in an attempt to ‘make a bit of money’. The news came as a shock to the inhabitants of the sleepy Tyrone village who were still celebrating their joint third place in the 2011 Ulster in Bloom competition, beaten only by Keady and Swatragh. In a statement released this morning, the Tyrone Council’s Petsey McCann explained the decision:
“People don’t realise who much money it costs to keep Tyrone in the manner they’re accustomed to. They look around and think it’s a great place altogether. Well, we’ve news for them. It doesn’t buckin keep itself. When everyone’s in bed we’re out mowing hedges in Galbally, removing cow clap from the roads in Derrytresk and painting over teenage graffiti in Omagh. The diesel money alone is crucifying us. The red stuff isn’t as cheap as it was and running the engine on cooking oil was attracting large rodents like badgers after dark. One of our volunteers was attacked by a mink in Creenagh. We had to sell a bit to make ends meet and sure some people think Castlecaulfield is a mythical place like hell.”
Residents in Castlecaulfield see it differently. One local, Mary Rankin, told us she wasn’t surprised about the decision.
“Ah holy Jaysus. It’s come to this, has it? I knew those shower a bastards would sell us off. There’s been no Interent here since 2010. They’ve been trying to break us for years and now they’ve taken the cowardly way out. Well, I can tell you this. We’re not going down without a fight. I don’t care if the Vatican buys us. There will be blood! I’ll bate the bollocks clean off any foreigner who thinks he owns me.”
McCann intimated that there has been a few interested buyers already with McDonalds, Louis Walsh, Big Tom, Richard Branson, Rich Tea Biscuits and Sean Quinn mentioned as potential purchasers. All Castlecaulfield members of the Tyrone GAA county teams at every level were told not to show their face again at training, whilst election voting privileges were withdrawn. The word Castlecaulfield has also been outlawed.