Tyrone GAA Club Regrets Holding AGM In Pub
A recently reformed GAA club revealed they will run another AGM later in the month after a raft of ridiculous motions were passed whilst committee members drank the bar dry on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Windmill GAA, who once terrorised gaels across the county , held their first AGM in 35 years at The Battery Bar in Ardboe last Friday night, running from 9pm to 1am and then in someone’s house til 6am. It wasn’t until members woke up later on that day that they realised they would need to have a second go at the meeting.
Some of the motions passed initially but under review now are:
- Rounding up a pile of women from the local roads on match days to act as cheerleaders for home games
- Rename the club as the Windmill Corncrakes
- Announcer calls out bingo numbers after every point is scored
- Dancing nuns at half time
- Encourage chanting in crowd..eg..’youse are dead’ etc.
- Priest to throw ball in blindfolded and then has to make it off before he gets kicked
- New club crest consisting of real cannibalism
Chairman Lenny McGuigan conceded they needed to return to the drawing board:
“Yes, to be honest I can’t remember any of those motions at all. We were blind drunk on brandy ball home brew. Let that be a lesson to all clubs across the county. Keep the AGM dry. But we used to have cheerleaders y’know.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA Central County have yet to ratify Windmill’s licence due to unresolved acts of depravity dating back to 1961.
Tullyhogue Priest Irritated At Number of Parishioners Leaving Mass Early
A parish priest has made an impassioned plea to parishioners to stop trying to duck out early from Sunday mass, after a man in his 40s was caught dressing up as a 3-year old child so that he could sit in the crying chapel and leave early.
“Matters have gone beyond a joke”, complained Father Sean O’Leary of The Church of St Thomas, in Tullyhogue. “The most dangerous place in Tyrone is thon chapel car park after mass on a Sunday morning. I’ve seen pensioners sprinting for their cars who thirty minutes before could scarcely get their arses up off the pew to come up for communion. What’s the world coming to? Sunday’s sermon was one of the best I’ve done, all about Christian existentialism and the undecidability of faith. I totally nailed it, so people can’t complain that it wasn’t a riveting listen. And if they think I’m going to do all the exciting stuff on ecumenical theology, they can think on”.
Local man Eugene Moody, a 42-year old bird’s nest maker, admitted trying to pass himself off as a toddler.
“It’s all very well for Father O’Leary to go bangin’ on about the mystery of God and sucklike, but I had a slurry tank to clean. I thought the easiest way was to go into the crying chapel and then nip out early. What’s wrong with that? It was all goin’ fine, except I had had a skinful the night before at Tally’s in Galbally and my stomach was like one of thon lava lamps yolks from the 70s.By the time I came back from communion I was sweating like a horse and so help me God I vomited all over my romper suit. Jaysus, you should have seen the looks I was getting. At least I caught most of it in my bonnet. And then five minutes later did this weean next to me not go and do exactly the same thing, and nobody batted an eyelid. Explain that”.
Father O’Leary has since promised those parishioners who stay until the end of next Sunday’s mass that he will ‘have a wee word with the Lord about a lock of extra salvation’.
Coalisland Priest Wrongly Given Red Card For Drunkenness. Had Turned-In Eyes.
Police in Tyrone have admitted they made a serious blunder after issuing a red card for drunken behaviour to Fr Pat Buchanan in Coalisland last week. The new PSNI initiative of handing suspected heavy drinkers a red card to warn them of their condition will continue to be used but all officers are to be retrained in spotting inebriated punters from sober people.
Fr Buchanan, a Pioneer of 66 years, was out to get a pound of mince when he was surrounded by 3 police officers and told to take the red card for being drunk and potentially disorderly:
“I was not amused. The officer said I was clearly drunk as my eyes were all over the place. But sure I’ve had turned-in eyes since birth. They wouldn’t believe me and told me to stop looking like that. I just stared at the ground to get them away from me. Then they claimed I was staggering. Again, I have one leg shorter than the other and sure I’m 88. I haven’t touched a drop since 1940.”
Police spokesman Herbert Drinkwater admitted it was a horrible blunder:
“We feel really bad about harassing a priest with turned-in eyes and a gammy leg. And there was no need for Officer Stephenson to whack him with his truncheon for blessing them. They thought he was messing with them. We apologise profusely and will donate £10 to his parish fundraiser for a new maid”.
Fr Buchanan maintained it nearly drove him to drink but had a corned beef sandwich instead.
Clonoe Altar Boy Rang Bell At Wrong Time. Priest Furious.
A primary five altar boy making his much anticipated debut at Saturday night mass last weekend maintains he was set-up by more experienced altar boys, probably the P7 lad, after he rang the bell during a period of silent reflection. Fr Lenny McGee, a short-tempered clergyman from outside the county, reacted badly to the mistiming youngster but has since forgiven the boy’s momentary lapse. Johnny Harbinson is adamant he was set up:
“To be honest, I was a bit green about it. My da had been an altar boy of fine repute and uncles would tell me he had the steadiest hand in the country for holding the plate under chins like they used to at communion. I had a lot to live up to and the pressure maybe got to me. One of the other lads handed me the stick for hitting the bell and I do remember thinking it wasn’t how I thought it would look like. There was no soft head on it – just a bit of lead.”
Young Harbinson went on to explain the moment he realised he’d been hoaxed:
“The bigger lad said he’d wink when it was time to hit the bell and to wallop it with the deadliest force I could muster. I heard the priest say ‘bow down your heads in silence and pray for forgiveness’ early on in the mass as he sat down on a seat to reflect. I looked at the p7 boy, he winked, so I hit the bell with the stick of lead with the most might I had in me. The noise was earth-shattering and I could see the elderly cradle their heads with the squealing from their hearing aids. A window shattered at the back. The ambulance was called to see to a couple of OAPs with weak valves. My lasting memory was a visibly-shocked Fr McGee shouting ‘Holy Jaysus’ with a scowl on him like nothing I’d seen before.”
Harbinson has been ‘rested’ this week but is expected to make a second appearance at the start of May.
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
Row Over Length Of Time In Shower Destabilises Augher
A domestic argument over the length of time spent in the shower has broken Augher’s peaceful aura and threatened to destroy the perception of the village as an ideal holiday destination for people from America and France. Henry and Gretta McMeel had always been considered the pin-up couple for the Augher Tourism Board with their strikingly good looks, lovingly approach to each other and their harmonious effect on the area. All that changed last night when a passer-by, Barney McKenna, overheard a heated exchange emitting from one of their back rooms.
“I was just dandering home from looking at the sheep up the road when I thought I heard raised voices coming from McMeel’s roadside dwelling. Hoping to get a bit of juicy information, I pinned my ear to the window of the back room as the curtains were pulled. I heard Henry saying ‘you’re always fcuking keeping me back washing your oul fcuking hair. How come it takes me five minutes and that includes a fcuking shave. Thirty-five buckin minutes I’ve been sitting here watching this XFactor shite. I could’ve had four pints in me by now for fcuk sake.’ Well, to be honest I almost collapsed from the shock of it. We’ve always looked up to the McMeels. I’ve never heard anyone curse in Augher before. What else does that monster do behind closed doors.”
McKenna continued to divulge information on the exchange and said it wasn’t all one-way traffic, or words to that effect.
“It wasn’t all one way traffic. Yer woman was further away from the window so I only caught bits. I heard her say ‘hairy-arsed bastard’, ‘spend more time in the shower ye smelly hoor’ and ‘alcoholic bollocks’. I can tell you, I don’t know if I can look at the McMeels in the eye again. I told the parish priest and he went into some form of convulsion. This mustn’t get out.”
The Augher Tourism Board has barred all talk of the incident and has warned McKenna that any further gossiping about it will be fatally dealt with.