Monthly Archives: July 2023
Ardboe Parishioners Strip Shipwrecked Antrim Boat And Hold 12 Captive Until Boat Totally Raided
Ardboe is now said to be one of the most stylish parishes in the county after a shipwrecked boat was looted in the early hours of Saturday morning.
The boat, which set sail from Antrim to Toome to cart across fancy clothes, tobacco, make-up, spices and musical instruments, took a wrong turn and crashed into an Ardboe shore at 4am on Saturday 22nd July, .
Word of the wreckage reached most local households within seconds, with hundreds of Ardboians descending upon the boat, taking captive the dozen inhabitants and looting the vessel, leaving it ‘like a canoe’ according to witnesses.
Many women in the area were spotted wearing fur coats the following morning, with one wife claiming she had “enough mascara that will last me 10 years”.
Local curate, Canon McGuigan, added:
“I’ve never seen Ardboe look as well. Most houses have new wooden doors and all the women look class. The dozen Antrim ones have been released without harm and sure they had a safe enough vessel left to get back.”
The last boat looted in Ardboe was in 2021.
One of the sailors has decided to remain in Ardboe, having taken a shine to one of the Coneys.
Cookstown Man Blows Family Holiday Budget After Eating A Large Fry With 2 Pints At Aldergrove Airport
A Cookstown family have started a GoFundMe page on Facebook after their father spent the whole week-long budget for Malaga within an hour of arriving at Aldergrove airport, on a large fry and 2 beers at the airport bar.
Patsy Mulligan, who didn’t have cereal before he left the house, insisted that the holiday went ahead anyway despite only having 1 day’s pocket money left to feed himself, his wife and four children.
“How was I to know the price of a fry at the airport? And the beers were ridiculously dear but I was deadly thirsty. If people can donate to the page, that would be great.”
Mrs Mulligan, who worked overtime in Woolworths for the holiday, is refusing to give Patsy any of the pancakes she brought with her until there’s at least £100 in his Facebook page.
Mr Mulligan was also cautioned after fighting with one of the electronic robots that brings your breakfast to you, over the unavailability of brown sauce.
Boiler Servicer Wrecks Boiler After Being Asked If He Took Card
An East Tyrone boiler servicer has promised to wreck more boilers if people continue to attempt to pay by card instead of cash, after losing it at the weekend, having been asked if he had a ‘card machine’ and if he did ‘contactless’.
Martin Neil, who has been servicing boilers since the 80s without headgear, took a sledgehammer to a boiler he had spent three hours fixing outside The Moy, after the owner asked him if he did contactless as the local ATM machine had been removed by a local gang the previous weekend.
Neil’s rage didn’t abate until after he set the boiler alight with his cigarette, creating an explosion heard as far away as Eglish. He is adamant that it won’t be the last time:
“That bollocks knew a week ago I was arriving and said nothing til it was over. I just saw red when he was waving his Santander card in my face and asking for the contactless machine from my van. I probably should not have set it alight, as wrecking it with the sledgehammer was enough in hindsight. To be fair, the man ran off and got the money from a neighbour. I’d do it again though. Cash only.”
The boiler owner had since replaced the boiler but will not press charges as Neil also does a bit of building and plastering which is needed, as the exploding boiler ripped the kitchen wall open.
Several Tyrone Players Sizing Up Saudi Arabia GAA Offer
It has emerged this weekend that several GAA clubs in Saudi Arabia have made offers of a three-year deal to several Tyrone players since their elimination from the Championship by Kerry, with Al Bahah Pearses also confident of landing a few retired players in Mulligan, Canavan, and McMenamin.
Sources close to the club have intimated that Sakakah O’Rahillys are in the latter stages of securing a 5-year deal for Darragh Canavan, with extras thrown in such as a pile of Rolex watches and unlimited spices. Dammam Emmets have also tabled a bid for Brian Kennedy and have assured him that they’ll play the sound of the Lough at night in his house and present 2000 midges a day to prevent any form of home-sickness setting in.
Saudia Arabia GAA spokesman and former player Yousuf ‘the butcher’ Tunayan maintains that it’s only a matter of time before their league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship:
“It’s only a matter of time before our league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship.”
Jeddah Colmcilles are about to initiate negotiations to get David Clifford over permanently moving to Saudi and have promised to not have any Stewartstown players on their team. Already three Stewartstown players have been sent home from the country for drinking beer outside the training ground on their first day and fighting with the man trying to give them 1000 lashes.
Moortown Man Cautioned After Threatening To Wipe Smug Look Off A Group Of Teachers Lunching
A Moortown joiner was spoken to by police after he interrupted a group of boisterous female primary school teachers having lunch on Monday 10th July, telling them that he’ll wipe the smug look off all their faces if they kept it up.
Mickey ‘the tackle’ Devlin, who is currently balancing his work with minding seven children in the house on their summer holidays, cracked after he heard one of the teachers laughing and saying ‘same time tomorrow, girls’ and opening a fresh bottle of Prosecco, their ninth that morning.
Devlin, whose wife can’t take time off work from delivering Avon stuff around Craigavon, fumed at how the women openly flaunted their time off:
“I was only calling in for a quick pint after doing a job in Ardboe and having to head home to mind these weans. I didn’t need to see them women laughing and joking and winking about being off. They do it on purpose. The VP was full too, at 1pm in the day. I’m sorry for the language I used,”
Devlin was warned about threatening to take the heads off teachers in the future.
Only Good Fighters From Ulster Allowed Into Hill 16 From Now On
In a reaction to the Armagh/Monaghan supporter brawl on Hill 16 at the weekend, Croke Park officials have revealed that only good fighters from Ulster counties will be allowed into the section, in order to end fights quickly.
Video footage of the brawl on Saturday revealed that no one could really throw a punch which resulted in the fight lasting longer than it should have, allowing other supporters time to video it.
Croke Park strategist Gordon McCartney confirmed:
“Yea, to take the bad look off it all, we’re getting all Ulster supporters to punch one of them punchbags you get in the amusements on the TV in America, on the way in. If you’re too wasted on the Buckfast or homebrew, you’re not going to perform well enough to stand on the Hill. We need fights ending in seconds with a quick 1-2 and no camera footage.”
The new measures will be put in place for the Derry/Kerry game, with only the hardest Oak Leaf men and women allowed into Hill 16 for the game.
Anti-Elon Musk Bonfire Appears In Tamnamore As Orange Order Protest Against ‘No Flags On Mars’ Policy
Twitter owner Elon Musk has felt the backlash of South Tyrone bonfire makers after a replica of one of his rockets appeared on a bonfire in Tamnamore in protest of his ‘no flags or bonfires on Mars’ policy.
Musk, who also knows how to say hello in Irish, recently confirmed during a meeting with the DUP in New York that there would be a strict ban on 12th of July paraphernalia on the planet Mars if humans ever manage to settle there in the near future.
Speaking on behalf of the Tamnamore Bonfire Committee (TBC), William Hopkins explained:
“Musk will need to think twice about this policy. The Mars he is depicting sounds like one devoid of culture and tradition. We even told him that if he allows bonfires on Mars, we’ll stick his arch-rival Zuckerberg the Facebook boy on the top on ours on the new planet. You can’t get more cultural than that. Teslas are shite anyway.”
The DUP have yet to comment on the bonfire as they await confirmation of whether Mars is real or not, according to the bible.
Tyrone Tribulations 