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Plans To Build Bridge Over Lough Neagh Get Green Light Despite Naming Disagreement

 

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Architecture’s drawings

The construction of a bridge between Ardboe and Aldergrove have been given the go-ahead, sparking a row over the naming of the structure to be opened in 2020. 

 

The £400m venture, partially funded by businessmen on both sides of the lough, will span 11 miles and involve negotiations with major airlines regarding how they can fly over and sometimes under the construction.

However, discussions became heated last night over the naming of the bridge with the Ardboe contingent demanding it should be called ‘The Frank McGuigan Way’ whilst businessmen in Antrim only prepared to invest if it is named ‘Orange Bridge’.

One of the brain-childs of the bridge, Philomena Forbes, explained the idea:

“It will be magnificent, perhaps the first manmade structure visible from the moon. It will be 11 miles across and speed limits will be around 60mph going up to 90mph around the middle bit. There are also plans to build an Apple Green Service Station on it somewhere and there will be no pedestrians, fishermen, cyclists and cops allowed on it.”

Unfortunately due to a scarcity of materials, the bridge will only go one way, from west to east, with people having to drive around the lough to get back to Tyrone.

Asked whether she had thought of possible environmental issues regarding the disturbance of fish and stuff, Forbes just laughed and said “like who eats eels any more.”

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Carland Man Patents New Flying Machine: ‘The Airborne Trampoline’

trampoline

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A radical proposal from a Carland man that could revolutionise air travel was published yesterday, following thousands of trampolines throughout the county literally lifting off in the fierce storms since last Wednesday,

“It’s obvious when you think about it”, said wild-eyed, would-be inventor, 42-year old Danny Hughes. “All this time we’re driving like eejits down to Belfast or Aldergrove and spending a lock of pounds to catch an airyplane, when half the time the answer’s quite literally sitting in our own back yard. This is some invention boys. It’s the best thing since thon two boys invented the flying machine all them years ago. Was it the Mitchell brothers?”

The storms in recent days has seen numerous trampolines throughout the county being blown over and in many cases into neighbouring properties and fields.

“Them trampolines is born travellers”, said Hughes. “They’ve got the wanderlust in them. They just can’t wait to pack their wee trampoline bags and go travelling. So why not go with them?”

When pressed to provide a detailed technical specification on how the airborne trampoline system might work in practice, Hughes was somewhat vague, although the process seemed to centre on lashing someone to a trampoline with a big piece of blue rope, waiting for the wind to get up, and hoping for the best.

Hughes put his invention to the test by tethering himself to his daughter’s trampoline for four hours on Thursday evening, before coming back into the house suffering from mild frostbite and suspected pneumonia. The inventor was however upbeat about the episode, saying that patience was required.

“Listen. Trampolines is like bulls. They’re temperamental critters. That’s why they keep fecking children out the bouncy bit all the time and breaking their arms. You need to be gentle”.

He went on,

“I saw this one trampoline on Wednesday night in our neighbour’s garden. Jays, it was the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen. It just lifted up, seemed to pause for a second, then it soared like a mighty eagle into the night sky. Fair enough, it then crashed down on top of their Nissan Cherry, but still”.

Travolta To Appear In Coalisland For Grease Production?

Coalisland man today

Coalisland man today

Speculation is rife this morning in Tyrone that John Travolta might be playing a major role in the Coalisland Na Fianna production of Grease in early March, according to local sources. The identity of the roles for Danny and Sandy have been kept under wraps since rehearsals began weeks ago, with many speculating on various celebs such as Dennis Taylor, Peter Kay’s mother, Damien O’Hagan, Anne Brolly and Peter Herron.

However, late last night, three Coalisland men were spotted getting into a car on Lineside and shouting about ‘headin to the airport’ and ‘yee-har’. One of the Grease backroom team admitted John Travolta was on their radar:

“To be honest I’m worried. Our first performance is Friday 7th March and we probably should have approached Travolta before now. Anyhow, we’ve sent our three best negotiators to America to convince John to head over here and give us what we want. It was hard trekking him down online on facebook and stuff so the lads said they’ll get the first flight to anywhere in America and just ask about when they get there.”

The identity of Sandy also remains a mystery with strong talk of Damien O’Hagan in drag being a possibility. Local hairdresser Jenny Timlin reckons the chemistry between Travolta and O’Hagan is mouth-watering:

“I’m weak at the knees even thinking about that possibility. There’ll be a whole lotta shaking going on. Even house in Coalisland has a picture of  JFK, the Pope and Damien O’Hagan. John and Damien singing ‘You’re The One That I Want’ in harmony would make millions if released. We’re hopelessly devoted to O’Hagan around the parts. There’ll be tears on my pillow if they don’t go together.”

Local PP Fr Hampsey warned the production team they’ll be monitoring the show closely:

“Shows like this should only be for summer nights. If Travolta shakes his hips like a hound dog and gets the wemen screaming, he’ll be put into the boot of my motor and driven to Aldergrove like lightning. Dennis Taylor too. O’Hagan can do what he wants.”

This event will take place on Friday March 7 and Saturday March 8 at 8:00 pm.

Ardboe Man Heads To Board Plane

He’ll try again tomorrow

With the county side sitting at home eating crisps and drinking mineral, an elderly Ardboe man has taken the unusual step of heading down the road to board a plane in an attempt to spice up his mundane existence. Despite once having a ‘steady enough income’ at his souvenir magnet shop from pilgrims staring at a broken religious cross, Johnny Joe McPike has had enough of waiting for next year’s championship whilst looking towards the Lough hoping to hear the long lost echoes of a corncrake, and made his way to Aldergrove by foot on Sunday morning before dawn.

 

“Sure what harm can it do boy. Ghost oh, sure it’s only a plane lak. I’m off to Brazillia.”

McPike returned home six hours later as he had no documentation, money, clothes and couldn’t recall his reason for being there.

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