Monthly Archives: April 2015

Huge Fireball In Tyrone Sky Was A Hub© Hughes Shot From 2008, Not Meterorite.

2008 match ball returns

2008 match ball returns

The mystery of a recent fireball witnessed hurtling across the Tyrone night time sky has been solved by a crack team of scientists and a clatter of men from Killeeshil.

Earlier in the week, the Northern Ireland Astronomical Societal Agency (NIASA) revealed they experienced a sharp rise in calls to their office in Bangor after the sighting, with many callers worried about the religious connotations of such a celestial event and whether indeed the fireball was a Protestant or a Catholic.

However, alerted by a group of sceptical Killeeshil farmers, scientists began looking into the theory that the fireball may simply have been an errant shot Kevin Hughes took, minutes before his brilliant and crucially iconic point at the end of the All-Ireland final in 2008, returning to earth.

Killeeshil man Joe Hamill maintains he knew straight away what the heavenly body was when it burned up re-entering the earth’s atmosphere:

“Aye we’d be used to sightings like that regularly around these parts, especially when Kevin was playing up front in his prime. Don’t get me wrong, he’s one of the best players to pull on a pair of boots in Ulster, but he hit some tarra wides too. I remember one he skied down at Brocagh and the ball was found washed up over in Antrim town three weeks later.”

Scientists confirmed Hamill’s suspicions after over a dozen sky-gazers contacted NIASA to report the word ‘O’Neills’ written on the side of the meteorite. Armagh Planetarium refused to comment on Tyrone players.

Kevin Hughes, who recently copyrighted the word ‘Hub’ ©, won man of the match in the All-Ireland final in 2003 and retired from inter-county football in 2012 to concentrate on his sewing and knitting empire.

DUP’s Proposed Tax On Ginger Babies ‘A Step Too Far’ Says Voters

Red Headed Ginger Celtic-0192iiheui

Following recent negative coverage, the DUP are teetering on the brink of implosion after it was revealed that, if successful in Fermanagh/South Tyrone this election, they will propose a hefty tax on ginger babies born in the constituency from September 2015 onwards.

A leaked document, found under a pallet of strawberries outside a vegetable shop in the Moy, explains the party’s thinking when it comes to hair colouring and how gingerism is seen as a sign of rebellion and possible republicanism, with a picture of Martin McGuinness used as way of example.

A DUP voter from Moygashel was adamant he will not be lending his vote to the party in next month’s elections:

“I was uncomfortable with the whole gay issue but this takes the biscuit. I’ve been voting DUP for over 20 years and in that time I have courted manys a ginger woman and they’ve all been dead on and some of them were even Unionists. I’m voting Independent this year.”

Coalisland barber Herbie Lyons was not surprised at the revelation:

“This is just another nail in their coffin. Like my friend from Moygashel above, I’ve walked out with plenty of redheads before and they’ve been fine. Some just had a red head and weren’t ginger at all but that’s besides the point. Up the gingers and down with follicle-bashing.”

A DUP spokesperson claims the party remain unapologetic regarding their stance on gingerism and warned Unionists that if people do not vote for their party because of the redhead issue then they may be prepared for a United Ireland by 2020 run by a parliament of Maureen O’Haras and Ed Sheerans.

Video Tape Found In Attic Confirms Canavan Probably Over 70

Canavan, probably 63 here.

Canavan, probably 63 here.

A derelict house in Ballygawley has become a hive of activity after demolishers found a brown box of VHS tapes dating as far back as 1950, depicting life in and around the general Glencull area.

In particular, one cassette appears to confirm that former All-Star Peter Canavan is well into his 70s and not 44 as stated on his Wikipedia page.

Local historian and former train driver Joseph McAleer maintains the revelation only confirms what many locals have suspected for many years:

“Not a lot of things were actually written down or recorded in Ballygawley before 1990 but quite a few of the older generation were sure that Canavan had been knocking around the area since the late 1940s. Former club manager Kenny McGarrity, who managed the club throughout the 60s, is sure he played Canavan at full forward on over 100 occasions but had no photographic proof. Well, this video tape from a sports day in 1959 surely shows a 15-year old Canavan playing for Glencull.”

If confirmed, Tyrone’s U21 titles in 1991 and 1992 may be declared void as Canavan was probably about 46-47 then. Remarkably, Canavan now appears to have won his final All-Ireland title at the grand old age of 60 in 2005.

Omagh shopkeeper and avid GAA fan Paul Hurson is not surprised at the findings:

“I don’t understand how anyone can be shocked at this. Sure he was sucking away on the inhaler in the 1990s when he was well into his 50s it seems now. He was probably riddled with arthritis and still tortured Derry. A bad wetting could have finished him off at that age. We should admire him even more now.”

Cameroon’s Roger Milla, who played for his country in the 1990 World Cup at the age of 53 disguised as 33, was unavailable for comment as was Canavan.

Derrytresk Man May Have Been Responsible For Crack In Windsor Park Stand

1942979376a8316590500lA Derrytresk Health and Safety Officer, in his first formal job, appears to have dug a hole with a family spade behind the stand ‘to see what their turf was like’ which led to a large crack forming in the West Stand, affectionately known as ‘The Kop’. 

Fergal Fitzgerald (24), who qualified as a structural engineer last month, was given the task of overseeing a new toilet which was to be built behind the stand after a report in the Belfast Telegraph indicated a rise in weak bladders amongst Ulster men in 2015.

Witnesses suggest Fitzgerald said something about wanting to know if Belfast had ‘good burning turf‘ before digging furiously on his own behind the now-damaged stand with a spade from the boot of his car.

Fitzgerald’s university lecturer, Professor Lingard, maintains he is not surprised with the development:

“Fergal is a very clever man and qualified with a First but has a weakness for turf and peat. For part of his Field Work during his final year at Queen’s University we took his class to Pisa in Italy to examine the Leaning Tower. When my back was turned he started digging with his ‘family spade’ around the tower because he wanted to know what Italian turf was like to burn. He nearly toppled the thing. The Italians weren’t very happy.”

Despite good character references, a Loyalist paramilitary group called ‘We’re Not Brazil We’ll Kill Ye’ issued a statement warning Derrytresk residents to stay away from Windsor Park and that anyone seen in the ground wearing a checked shirt and carrying a spade will be deemed a legitimate target.

Augher Civil Engineer ‘Not All That Civil’ Claim Clogher Residents

New Clogher Millennium Bridge

New Clogher Millennium Bridge

A 44-year old civil engineer from Castlehill Gardens in Augher has been labelled ‘fairly uncivil‘ by long-suffering Clogher folk who have described their latest bridge ‘unfit for purpose’ after it was seen swaying when an Airbus bound for Alaska flew over, 30’000 feet above the structure.

Noel Burns, who won a case against him in 2007 by The Concerned Clogher Committee (CCC) when accused of making roads worse by putting dead ends on them, maintained the bridge is a stiff as the Eiffel Tower and has told Clogher ones to quit whinging or he’ll not look kindly on the new planning permission for clean water in the village.

CCC chairperson Melanie Liffey is adamant Burns is doing things on purpose to wind up his near neighbours:

“The swaying ‘Millennium Bridge’ is just the latest structural cock-up he has landed on Clogher on purpose. Last year he was given the job of building the Clogher Historical Building in the town centre. Didn’t he build it with no windows or electrical provisions so it was completely dark and then overlooked plumbing needs so people had to just hold it in if nature called. He sabotages us at every opportunity and keeps getting away with it. Civil engineer my arse.”

Burns was also accused of building four new roads out of Clogher from 2003 with dead ends so that no one could ever leave the town or indeed arrive in it. Tourism dropped 133% over the following 4 years with new fashions and trends unable to penetrate the historical village. Experts reckon Clogher is still on 2009 time with many currently distraught at hearing of Michael Jackson’s untimely death.

The bridge is currently operational at your own risk.

Ask Agnes – Tyrone’s Only Agony Aunt

new zeldaDear Agnes,

Yesterday I burnt the lamb in the slow cooker for the second day running. I knew Pat would go mad when he came in from the yard as he works hard but he reacted really badly to this one. He called me every name you could think of and then insulted all my family one by one. He’s now sleeping in the spare room and only grunts when passing me by. I just don’t know what to do. We’ve been married 18 years and I don’t want it to end badly, for the kids’ sake. What should I do? I know he wouldn’t lift a finger to me but the silent treatment is just as bad. Please help.

MARY, COOKSTOWN

Agnes says:

Lay the carrots & onion on the bottom of the slow cooker & then place meat on top. Add about 2 jugfuls of stock/gravy & cook on low for about 6 hours.
You can use the leftover lamb to make a Shepherd’s Pie.

Dear Agnes,

The midges are driving me mad already and it’s only April. What can I do?

JOHN PAT, ARDBOE

Agnes says:

Nothing.

Dear Agnes,

My husband’s dog started attacking the milkman last week and I went out to save him. One thing led to another and now I think I’m pregnant. Any advice welcome.

TINA, STRABANE

Agnes says:

Depends on the type of dog. Alsations are discreet animals but if it was a Pomerian it’ll be yapping away to your husband as soon as it puts two and two together. If that’s the case, a long drive with the dog might be something to consider.

Dear Agnes,

My youngest son wants to become a clown. He said he would rather be a Lambeg drummer, but for obvious reasons I will not allow it. I humbly ask you for some advice on where my son should have his training and education to become the best birthday party clown this side of Belfast?

PAUL, DONAGHMORE

Agnes says:

Try the GAA refereeing and umpiring course up in Garvaghey next Saturday. There’ll be a plethora of experienced clowns about that day. And good luck.

Dear Agnes,

Can you settle an argument? Who’s the better singer – Susan McCann or Philomena Begley? COLIN, MOY

Agnes says,

Depends on how much you’ve drank and what you’re drinking. I find Begley a delight after 5 bottle of stout and the same amount of single malt doubles as chasers. McCann is wonderful during and after a large bottle of gin. A word of warning for our younger readers – do not listen to either on an empty stomach.

‘Big Shot’ Clonoe Man Yet To Collect £26 Grand National Winnings

Man pretending to be Campbell

Man pretending to be Campbell

A Clonoe plasterer, who has been accused of acting the big shot by neighbours this week, has yet to claim his winnings from the Grand National after he put £1 straight on Many Clouds which won at 25-1 ten days ago.

Peader Campbell (37), who almost missed putting the bet on in time due to a failure to put his clock forward an hour two weeks before that, maintains he’ll pick up the £26 ‘some time in the future‘ as he wasn’t too bad for cash at the minute.

Neighbour and friend of the family Johnny Dooley explained how Campbell’s reluctance to claim his winnings hasn’t gone down well in the community:

“Who does he think he is? You see him out mowing the lawn and smirking to himself. I even saw him with a new jumper on him at Mass on Sunday and him still to collect the money from the bookies. He’s really rubbing our noses in it.”

Local bookmaker Declan O’Neill revealed he turns away up to a dozen Peader Campbell imposters a day who attempt to claim the money dressed like a plasterer or wearing a jumper similar to Campbell’s new one.

“Even his wife came in yesterday pretending to be her husband. He has 30 days to collect it so it’s only going to get worse. It’s great publicity all the same. I’ve already a banner up outside the shop saying ‘The Bookies Where Campbell Won £26’. “

Campbell has yet to reveal when he will collect the winnings. Rumours suggest he will buy a fish supper and Fanta Orange from Landi’s with the money and use the rest for general groceries.

Devout Farmers Seek Clarification On Gay Animal Marriage From Religious Leaders

Sheep, waiting to hear the decision

Sheep, waiting to hear the decision

A fleet of farmers from Fintona have appealed to their various denominations for guidance on the issue of gay animal marriages in the wake of the up-coming referendum on same-sex human marriage in Ireland later in the year.

Homosexuality in the animal kindgom has been a thorny issue for farmers for centuries, especially bull farmers whose livlihoods depend on the hetrosexual tendancies of their prized possessions. However, recently, farmers who allowed inter-animal marriages on their farms are said to be ‘a touch confused’ as to whether they should turn a blind eye to eloping livestock.

Pat Sweeney, 67, who blissfully admitted to housing gay pigs, sheep and bulls without much thought, revealed he wants to hear the Church’s take on the whole issue of same-sex animal marriage before any more ceremonies are carried out:

“It’s probably not a well-known aspect to farming. We’ve been marrying animals for a laugh for as long as I can remember as did my father and his father before him. Tuxedos, veils, music, confetti, the lot. It adds a bit of spice to the otherwise monotonous routine of farm work. This whole cake stuff and the vote down south has made us a bit more aware of our religious obligations. The Vatican needs to address this issue now.”

Sweeney estimated that one in every three animals he owns is gay although revealed that lesbian tendancies don’t appear to be as strong in sows and ewes.

Fr Lionel Lawless announced this morning he is to fly to Rome immediately to get an answer to what he calls ‘a confusing handlin’.

“We’re not really sure where we stand on this one to be honest. But if it’s decided that same-sex animal marriage is not permitted, we’ll also be asking farmers to reveal the homosexual animals in their care so that people know what they’re eating.”

Farmers in East Tyrone have re-enforced their stance that gay and lesbian animals are welcome on their fields no matter what the Church decides and that they’re secured the services of a rebel priest who’ll perform same-sex animal marriages in broad daylight.

 

 

Undercover Documentary On Tyrone Under 21s Shows Canavan ‘Shouting Like Mad’ At Players

Really is cross and crabbed

Really is cross and crabbed

Award-winning BBC documentarist David Titchmarch has been asked by the Tyrone County Board to postpone his startling documentary on the Tyrone U21 side’s run to the All-Ireland Final.

His findings, which will send shock-waves the breadth of the province, shows former multiple All-Star Peter Canavan shouting loudly ‘like a demented school-teacher’ and Brian Dooher asking players to run around the field TWICE as a warm-up.

Manager Fergal Logan reportedly escapes criticism and is often filmed pleading ‘ah now, Peter, don’t be shouting like that’ and asking Dooher if he was maybe going a bit too hard on the players by making them do 15 press-ups and 15 squats.

A county board official, who downloaded the documentary illegally using an Irish torrent site, told us:

“Peter doesn’t come out too well in this. There’s a scene when he’s shouting at Frank Burns and his veins are clearly visible in his neck and him red-faced saying things like ‘for f**k sake Frank, bend for it, ye Pomeranian gope’. This won’t go down well with the parents of many of the players, especially when he slags off their highlighted hairstyles and expensive boots. He really is cross and crabbed, as the song goes.”

The documentary also paints Dooher as a sadistic pain-merchant, at one stage making the players do piggy-backs and backwards running. Our official explained further:

“I think the parents are going to be in two minds whether or not to send their players to training for the final. Dooher is filmed at one stage standing in front of the players making them do stretches and stuff for FIFTEEN minutes before they even kick a ball, smirking and winking at Canavan. This man is a machine but comes across like some soldier from Russia or Germany in the 1940s. Or maybe from England since the 1200s.”

Titchmarch has agreed to postpone the documentary until after the final has been played and has also agreed to slap on an 18 certificate because of the shouting and stuff.

Tyrone Voters Excited By Outlandish Claims From Politicians Hoping For Votes

Who wants free ice-cream vote by SDLP

Who wants free ice-cream vote by SDLP

Political analysts have urged Tyrone voters not to get too carried away by promises from politicians, advising people not to get their hopes up if their chosen candidate gets elected. 

At a live televised debate between politicians competing for votes in various constituencies, the studio audience appeared to get whipped into a frenzy by increasingly outlandish claims from party members including jobs for everyone over the age of 16 to roads so smooth that you could iron your shirt on it.

Local politics commentator Ronald McSheery offered a word of caution to voters:

“People maybe got a bit carried away on the TV. When the DUP promised jobs for everyone, paying at least £30’000 per annum, Sinn Fein countered it by saying they’d tarmac every road using brilliant steamrollers. Then the SDLP felt left out so they reckoned they’ll give everyone a fiver a week. So the UUP threw their lot in by promising DLA for everyone with a slight limp even without a doctor’s note.”

McSheery, who was observing the debate from a media balcony, was shocked at the audience’s reaction:

“The bigger the bullshit the crazier the audience became. When the Green Party said they’ll have a big green-themed party in fields all over the county once a week with a free bar and free crisps, people were jumping up and down yahoo-ing and kissing and stuff. It was madness. People here aren’t used to this type of politicking. They believe it.”

One Cooktown voter maintains he’ll be voting Sinn Fein as they’ll be fixing every road themselves.

“I’m usually a DUPer but I’ll be putting my X beside the Shinners this time cos that road out my back turns my car into shite every time I head out. The man said he’ll tarmac it himself in his suit the morning after the election.”

Opinion polls in Mid-Ulster put independent candidate Pat-Joe Muldoon as firm favourite after he promised to legalise illegal alcohol, illegal fuel and women of the night.

Deceased Strabane Man Fined £60 For Speeding On Way To Funeral

Clamped hearse in Omagh

Clamped hearse in Omagh

A deceased 71-year old former funeral director from Strabane has been fined a posthumous £60 and warned about future conduct after the hearse he was resting in was caught doing 44mph in a residential 30mph zone in the town last night.

Jeremiah Pauncefoot, who passed away on Monday after a short illness, was making his way to his final resting place in a top-of-the-range solid panelled oak coffin when the hearse he had previously owned was flagged down by a PSNI officer on the Clady Road.

The young driver, who had just started work experience at the Pauncefoot Funeral Service, used his dead boss’s licence when asked for ID before finishing the journey and jumping on a boat to England.

Defendant for the deceased Fergie Logie admitted he was annoyed at the judge’s decision:

“Pauncefoot may have been a miserable funeral director when he was alive but one thing he definitely wasn’t was a speedster. That young trainee should be forking out the fine, whoever he was. Fortunately Jeremiah had a jar full of money in his office which was always suspected to be bribes he took from independent bereavement counselling companies in exchange for the addresses of the recently deceased. That’ll cover the fine and my fees.”

West Tyrone PSNI spokesman Rory Gilgull has warned undertakers across the county to be on their guard as this is just the start of a clamp-down on funeral directors who think they’re above the law.

“Undertakers are a menace on our roads and we’re prepared to take them on. Their intimidation of other road users has to stop. Last week a petrified pensioner was shouted at in her Micra by an undertaker who bellowed ‘move over old lady or you’re next‘ and winked whilst pointing to the back of the hearse. They’re ruthless and they park all over graveyards.”

Jeremiah Pauncefoot’s business has been bought over by his son, Darkness.

Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station

Flight Engineer McCann

Flight Engineer McCann

A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.

Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.

NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.

Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:

“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”

Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:

“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”

McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.

He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.

East Tyrone In Mourning As Clubland’s Pink Pussycat Closes Its Doors

Deadly dancin

Deadly dancin

Thousands of middle-aged former disco-goers will wake with a heavy heart tomorrow morning after Cookstown’s premier ballroom of romance, Clubland, permanently closed its doors on Friday night.

The Pink Pussycat, which drew millions of lurkers, drivers, drinkers and dancers every weekend since the 1980s, was reportedly once thought responsible for 71% of marriages and 92% of children born in East Tyrone during the 90s. Pope John Paul II was allegedly a fan of the venue as it kept numbers healthy in the predominately catholic areas around Ardboe and Derrylaughan.

Leo McCann (48) from Moortown remembers the Molesworth Street venue with great affection:

“Ah, I’m vexed about the closure. Every week, without fail, I’d leave the venue with a girl under my arm – usually one of the Murray sisters from up the country. The eyes would be cutting out of me from the fake smoke they’d release during the slow set but it was the same for everyone. We’d all be red-eyed, with many crying uncontrollably from the stinging sensation, not really knowing who we were courting. Great days.”

John Kirby, a 46 year old single labourer from Pomeroy who often stood in the Kildress Corner of the dance floor , recalls how important the venue was during his late teen years:

“Yes, myself and seven mates would arrive in my souped up Volkswagen Golf and we’d speed up and down Molesworth Street maybe 700 times, trying to impress the dames. Sometimes we didn’t even go in. Just drove up and down for 4 hours playing Christy Moore full pelt. I’m sad our young ones won’t experience that. And the luminous dandruff was class under them laser lights.”

The former Clubland building will be replaced by a new sausage factory reportedly run by Owen Mulligan.

Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.

Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.

On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:

“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”

Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.

Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.

“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”

Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.

Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.

Some Tyrone Men (and the odd woman) Arrested For Being Not Physically Prepared For Early Spring Sun

Coalisland, Tuesday

Coalisland, Tuesday

Government officials have asked locals to ‘think again’ after many were lulled into a false sense of confidence in their physique after the recent spell of good weather, resulting in several arrests.

Children and the elderly in Omagh, Coalisland, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon and Carrickmore have been told to cover their eyes or stay indoors after 344 complaints were made to the Nolan Show and 132 to the police regarding the shape of men and some women walking around pavements and scenic walkways since Sunday.

Tyrone Social Standards Committee Chairperson Sheila McMullan admitted the warm spell caught a few people unaware and has promised strict sanctions will be enforced from tomorrow onwards until the sun is higher in the sky near July:

  “I understand most people hadn’t planned for a bit of sun in April. But, for the love of God, think twice before the tops come off or the vest tops are employed. You don’t get footballers turning up for a big game in front of thousands not having trained or a stand-up comedian arriving with no jokes. Could these sun-worshippers please think of the elderly? One shock and it’s all over. Also, young children still have nightmares. Please have a bit of wit. Wait until the holidays.”

Community Watchdog groups in all major towns and large hamlets in the county have been given the power to perform a citizen’s arrest on anyone they suspect being out of shape whilst whipping off clothing in broad daylight.

Already there have been three arrests in The Moy, including two brothers who were spotted heading into the Post Office bare-chested and donning ill-fitting 1980s GAA shorts.

Meanwhile, plans to build a beach in Stewartstown have been shot down by locals who complained about the possibility of foreigners arriving and impressing the women.

Brolly Plans To Insult Whole Of Tyrone As His Bookings For Chat Show Appearances In County Increases

ChartGoAfter a 3-day seminar in Kildare, psychologists have failed to explain a new phenomenon whereby the more Joe Brolly abuses and insults Tyrone GAA and its popular sporting figures, the more invites he receives from clubs within the county to appear at chat show evenings.

Financial experts maintain that for every anti-Tyrone outburst by the Dungiven barrister, his bank balance is boosted by over £10’000 by cash-laden clubs hoping to parade the 1993 All-Ireland winner on podiums alongside other lesser-light pundits such as Paddy Heaney and Adrian Logan, prior to big games.

Professor of Relationships at Trinity College, Dr Jack Rooster, explained:

“We just cannot explain the crazy mindset in Tyrone. It appears that the more Brolly angers them, the more money they’ll throw at him, with 1000s of women also hoping to get a photo taken with him. We reckon that his decision to tell Mickey Harte to eff off as well as to receive the sack within the last 7 days will earn him over £40’000 before the year is out – all paid out by confused club chairmen across the county. It’s a more perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome.”

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

Insiders have revealed that Brolly hopes to increase his Tyrone-insult rates to 4-a-week, with local women and animals due a hit before the summer starts – earning him a potentially cool £1m in the process.

An anonymous chairman informed us:

“I know we shouldn’t be giving this wee bollocks the time of day – he has ridiculed everything we’ve ever achieved as a county. But I’ve booked him in for a chat evening around August time. I can’t explain why. I’m afraid to explore these feelings.”

Scientists will re-convene tomorrow to debate the Tyrone/Brolly psychology and intend on giving it a name by the end of the week.

Shamed Omagh Man Admits To Opening Easter Egg On Good Friday At 3:01pm

One Omagh lad, today

One Omagh lad, today

A 41-year old Omagh teacher admitted to opening a Yorkie Easter Egg after his wife caught him stuffing something down the side of the sofa and suspiciously chewing  slowly, with chocolate marks down the side of his face.

The RE teacher, who had given up chocolate at the start of Lent apart from a lapse on St Patrick’s Day when he devoured a 6-pack of Freddos during a parade, revealed he never felt so guilty and has vowed to go the whole of tomorrow without any food passing his lips as penance:

Decky Monteith explained:

“It was an honest mistake. I thought Lent ended at 3pm on Good Friday, after a three hour deliberation in silence from midday. It wasn’t until I heard the wife shouting ‘where’d that egg go?’ in the kitchen that the horrible truth dawned on me. And I ruined the rest of it by stuffing the remainder down the sofa. It’s just a horrible mess, literally and metaphorically.”

Meanwhile, 40 parents have already contacted Monteith’s school in Omagh complaining that their children also attempted to gorge on Easter eggs after 3pm after they were told by the teacher all week it was OK to do so.

Mary McCabe, a mother of 5, described the scene in her kitchen:

“I popped into the shower around three for the bingo tonight and came down to utter carnage. Every egg was opened and the children were running around hyper with chocolate all over the walls. That bollocks Monteith has some explaining to do, and him an RE teacher.”

The Vatican have reminded people that tomorrow is also part of Lent and that anyone caught indulging in nice stuff will be frowned upon from above.

Australian Native Disappointed After Visit To Cousins In East Tyrone

Brocagh Bruce

Brocagh Bruce

A 32-year old Canberra native, who painstakingly traced his family lineage right back to Brocagh in East Tyrone, is said to be ‘utterly dejected’ after receiving what at best could be called a ‘lukewarm reception’ after touching down in the area last week.

Bruce Campbell arrived in Belfast after a gruelling 32-hour flight from the Australian capital and finally reached the Ballybeg Road in Brocagh by bus and taxi armed with only the names of his last two surviving relatives – Pat and Mick Campbell – from the same road.

Bruce took up the story:

“When I was dropped off on the road, I was hungry, dirty and severely sleep-deprived. Yet, unbelievably, the first man I met on the this deserted country road on a bicycle was my 4th cousin removed – Mick Campbell. It was like all my Christmases put together. I even started crying. I hugged him, explained who I was and the 3-years work I’d done to research the family name as well as the massive journey I’d undertaken to land in this one spot in the world in front of someone with my own blood in his veins.”

What happened next was something Campbell hadn’t imagined in all the scenarios he’d thought over in his head during the plane journey from Australia:

“Cousin Mick listened to me whilst holding his bike and staring at the ground, scratched his chin, and just said ‘boys, that’s a goodun‘, swung his leg back over his saddle and shouted ‘sure, I’ll be seeing ye‘ as he sped off into the distance.”

Astonished, demoralised and close to exhaustion, Bruce made his way to the local confectionery store only to be met coming out of the shop by the other cousin – Pat Campbell.

“I couldn’t believe my luck. Pat, who I’d beforehand researched online was 57 and an ex-community worker, listened to my story as I wept my way through telling him about the whole journey and about his cousin Mick’s disappointing encounter with me. Pat just laughed and said ‘aye, that sounds like our Mick alright‘ before running to his vehicle and speeding off.”

Disconsolate, with no fixed abode and penniless, Bruce headed back to Australia a day later – a full three weeks before his original return flight. However, he did get to see Brocagh Emmets play a friendly game against Clogher.

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