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Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station

Flight Engineer McCann

Flight Engineer McCann

A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.

Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.

NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.

Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:

“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”

Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:

“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”

McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.

He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.

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“I Can’t Believe I Was So Stupid” Says Recently Married Groom

dentures1An Omagh barman is considering filing for divorce one week after ‘the happiest day of his life‘ and has urged all men not to make the same mistakes he did during his courtship phase.

Kevin Donnellan (55), who married his partner after 18 months of romancing, arrived home from work on his first day back at Hoody’s Pub only to find his new bride on her second bottle of vodka with her false teeth sitting on the table beside her, singing sorrowful songs about emigration to America.

“Not only did I not know she drank, I wasn’t aware she didn’t have her own teeth. None of them. But she’s a deadly singer.”

Donnellan revealed it took more than 15 minutes for confirmation that the woman swaying on his settee was the woman he’d married a week ago.

“I noticed a scar she has on her shoulder from when she was bitten there by a mink when fishing near Drumragh in the 70s. I can’t believe I didn’t know she had false teeth. To be fair, I wouldn’t be deadly into the kissing but looking back now I remember hearing a constant clacking sound every time we were at the matinee in the cinema.”

The genial barman also believed his wife was a tee-totaler but also admits he rarely saw his wife-to-be after 6pm since they started courting:

“She told me she’d be deadly tired at 5pm so I’d leave her home and pick her up the next day around 1pm and right enough she always had dark sunglasses on her. I urge all lads to spend a few days with their wives before taking the plunge. You need to have a good look at her first thing in the morning.”

Donnellan has yet to decide whether or not to give up on the marriage at this early stage, adding that she still looked rightly with her teeth out for a 53 year old and if he could get her onto the whiskey it could be something they could share whilst singing about old rebellions and risings.

Tyrone Wife Sends Husband Off To Fight Anyone In Crimea

Hagan prepares for enemy encounters

During training, Hagan’s ass pretends to be enemy on farm

A Derrytresk farmer has sent her husband off to fight for whatever side he wants in Crimea if any combat starts, describing it as a great opportunity for him to see the world and to broaden his horizons.

Danny Hagan (49) was this morning said to be ‘sort of excited’ but ‘mostly terrified’ as he had originally set his sights on a family holiday in Mayo. Speaking from Belfast International Airport, Hagan admitted:

“Aye, it’s a bit of a handlin aright. One minute I’m out lambing with gay abandon in our field and the next I’m sitting here in Belfast with a one-way ticket to Crimea and a ruck-sack filled with tins of corned beef and a gallon of buttermilk.”

The official Derrytresk send-off saw up to 12 people line the streets on both sides waving Ukraine, Russian and Crimean flags at 6am this morning. Reports suggest a row broke out after he left between supporters of the three regions, resulting in one PSNI officer arriving and employing  a strong water pistol to dampen down raw emotions.

Cathy Hagan (53) told us this trip will be good for her husband:

“To be honest I always wanted to marry some kind of soldier so this will maybe re-spark the marriage. I was watching him out lambing yesterday and it was doing nothing for me. This is a whole new ball game now. I don’t know who he’ll fight for. Probably the Russians as he’s deadly for the vodka.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has already acted to secure the services of Hagan by piping non-stop Malachi Cush music through loudspeakers in Crimea as well as inviting Ardboe and Killyman GAA clubs over to play an exhibition game on his arrival in Simferopol.

Homecoming plans have been shelved for a while with Cathy Hagan informing us ‘sure we’ll see how he goes’.

paul g moss

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