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Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station
Flight Engineer McCann
A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.
Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.
NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.
Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:
“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”
Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:
“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”
McCann has denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.
He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.
Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
Galbally’s ‘The Three Plunketts’ Still Short Of Material For Show At Cohannon Inn
Galbally’s next big thing
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Three Galbally men who will debut their three-man comedy show this Friday at the Cohannon Inn admit that with only days to go they have virtually no material to fill the ambitious two and a half hour slot. Plunkett Drummond, Plunkett Quinn and Plunkett Keown, all born in 1986 when Plunkett Donaghy’s dreamy locks was breaking housewives’ hearts in the All-Ireland, booked the gig after deciding their witty banter deserved a bigger audience.
“Us three boys were always having mad craic down the pub and we thought, Jaysus, people would pay big money to listen to this” said Plunkett Drummond from Corlea Road. “Even last Friday night we were out at Nugent’s in Pomeroy, and the craic was ninety. But no-one bothered to write any of it down and the next morning I couldn’t remember a thing. We thought we could really go all the way to the top, maybe even as far as the Community Centre in Galbally. Just look at other successful threesomes, the likes of The Three Stooges or the Three Degrees or the Two Ronnies. Big comedy trio acts raking in a whole lock of pounds.”
However, the group are struggling to re-create the magic by transferring the hilarious pub banter into a tightly-constructed, joke-packed, fun-filled, 2½ hour set.
“We did take a pencil and start scribbling notes on the back of the Auto Trader”, said Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter, “but we were laughing so much the writing ended up all shoogly and couldn’t really make it out the next day. The only words I could read were ‘Holland tractor’, ‘mushroom’, and ‘trousers’ and we can hardly squeeze 2½ hours out of that”.
In growing concern that they will not have sufficient material in time for the show, the three men have tried gathering at lunchtime without alcohol to see if they can produce any gems.
“It was rubbish. All we talked about was the new roadworks near the Rock. We’ve even watched Riverdance on Plunket’s VHS with Flatley doing all the high kicks for a bit of inspiration. That might be an option”, muttered Plunkett Drummond doubtfully.
The group now plan to extend the show to include traditional song, with Plunkett Keown singing ‘The Mountains Of Pomeroy’ accompanied by Drummond on the tin whistle. So far, the threesome have a story about a wasp landing on Plunkett Keown’s cheese and pickle sandwich during the Thrills in the Hills in Pomeroy last summer, and an anecdote involving a beer mat sticking to the bottom of Quinn’s pint glass. To date no tickets have been sold, but Plunkett Drummond remains hopeful.
“Tonight’s a last ditch all-out effort. We’re going to Tally’s to get properly hammered, but this time we’ll get the boyo on the next table to listen in and take notes. As long as we remember to ask him”.
Tyrone Tribulations 