By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has warned that jealous scoundrels and vagabonds from Armagh may be using the new Pokémon Go craze to cause mischief in Tyrone.
Pokémon Go is a game that uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémon “appear” around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is.
“I first heard of Pokémon 2 weeks ago” said Sean “when I returned to my car and found a man standing pointing his phone at it as if he was taking a photo. I thought he was a traffic warden so I lost my temper a little bit. After two passers-by picked him off the ground he explained to me that I had parked beside a PokéStop.
I did some research and started to get evidence that some people could be using the game as an excuse to get up to mischief. For example, a few days ago my next door neighbour was out sunning herself in her bikini only to find around 20 to 55 men pointing their iPhones at her. She started screaming for help but the only passer-by started to point his phone at her as well”.
Sean warns residents along the Tyrone border to be on their guard as he suspects that the Pokémon craze is leading to a large flux of Armagh people into Tyrone. McGrinny explained that there appears to be a sinister “trainer” somewhere between Tynan and Caledon.
“He helps people to get a Pokémon egg on their phone and after explaining that they need to walk about 10 miles for it to hatch he then lets them loose near the border with Tyrone and many of them accidentally wander across. It’s crazy”.
Sean suspects that the Armagh trainer is helping to incubate Tyrone hating Pokémon.
“I took my phone with me to Croke Park to check how many Pokémon were on the pitch. Some of the people around me were annoyed but I wasn’t deterred. Although they were wearing Donegal jerseys they sounded wild like Armagh people so I ignored their protests and just kept pointing my phone at the pitch. There were Pokémon everywhere.
Probably the worse incident involved the first yellow card issued to Sean Cavanagh. Most level headed people just know that Sean Cavanagh would never have started a quarrel with Lee Keegan but what only I know because my phone was directed at them at the time was that it was an Armagh trained BulbasaurPokémon that walked over to Lee Keegan and slapped him on the face. Lee Keegan didn’t appear to notice the Pokémon (probably because he didn’t have his mobile with him at the time) and assumed it was Sean who slapped him and pulled him to the ground. The rest is history”.
Sean concluded with some advice for Mickey Harte
“Whilst we must maintain our relentless efforts to defeat the bias of the southern media we must also recruit some Pokémon trainers who can defeat any Armagh mischief. If we build our own Pokémon army Mickey will probably win another 9 or 10 All Irelands”.
“A good quality free taker would be helpful as well” ended Sean.
A Brocagh man is said to be relieved after he was discovered lying under over 400 USB cables and 88 chargers for various devices for four days.
Friends and family, who frantically searched the local area since Sunday, admitted a sense of annoyance as to why the missing man didn’t even attempt to burrow his way out of the cabled tower instead of meekly accepting his predicament.
Seanie Davidson (49) revealed he had sounded warnings to his family regarding the amount of cables floating about the house over the last couple of years, especially since his 8 children had all reached electronic device owning age:
“This was always on the cards. The amount of cables lying around this house is crazy, from iPhones, Android devices, iPods, tablets, iPads, cameras etc. Only last week I found two cables in my Cornflakes and another in my stew later that same day. I was lucky. Some day some poor craytur will not emerge alive like I did.”
Davidson described his ordeal:
“During moments of weakness I thought I wasn’t going to make it out. I even began tying leads together to make a rope but I didn’t like getting them all tangled up.”
Mrs Davidson remained sceptical as regards her husband’s disappearance:
“We’ve no more cables than any other house with a rake of children. It just seemed a bit convenient for Sean to go AWOL during the week of putting up Halloween decorations. Only he sneezed he’d have gotten away til after the day itself was all over. “
Police have warned families to take care with excess cables and charging leads. Last week an 3-year old child from Cookstown excreted 4 USB leads during a standard visit to the toilet.
News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.
“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.
The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.
52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.
“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.
“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.
Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.
“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.
She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.
“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.
Loughran however rejected the concerns.
“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month. Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.
In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.
A Clady-based bricklayer yesterday resigned after allegations from colleagues that a playlist of the pop group ‘Take That’ had been discovered on his phone.
34-year old Dermot Grimes announced that he intended to quit his job with Clady firm Surebuild Construction with immediate effect to “spend more time with his family”, but denied any playlist wrongdoing.
“Me? Take That?” he said. “I don’t like Take That and never have. Personally I prefer proper music like Kasabian, The Saw Doctors, The Killers, and suchlike. Quite why people think I have a soft spot for Gary, Mark, Jason and Howard or whatever their names are, I have no idea. And I’ve certainly never bought any of their six albums, either before Robbie left in 1995 or after. And I can categorically say that I’ve never bought any of their eleven number 1 singles”.
He went on,
“Why on earth am I getting all this handlin’? Today’s not exactly been the greatest day I’ve ever had. It only takes a minute to see this is all a set up by someone at Surebuild. I’ll never forget what these people have done to me. Honestly, I’ve been up all night. My head’s openin’”.
One of Grimes’ workmates, who asked to remain anonymous, said,
“He’s having a laugh. We always suspected he liked Take That after he started walking about the building site wearing his hardhat the wrong way round. He’s not wise liking that sort of music, if you can call it that. It’s pure dung. Especially their early stuff, like ‘Take That and Party’, which wasn’t a patch on ‘Everything Changes’. Well, so some people say. I’ve never heard it myself. Not my sort of thing”.
An investigation is also underway regarding a further allegation that the playlist also contained ’House of ‘Love’ by East 17.
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
Results of the recently published 2011 census have produced some surprising results, including the finding of a previously undiscovered village just outside Omagh.
Largybeg, just two miles east of Omagh, is thought to have lain undiscovered since the dark ages until census takers happened upon the 200-strong village two years ago. Local man Ezekial O’Neill, a 54-year old wizard, was very philosophical.
“Yep, turns out we’ve spent the last five centuries worshipping Sperrin, god of the pollan fish and patron saint of the hot cross bun, when we should in fact have been worshipping this other god. Canavan I think his name is. We feel tara embarrassed.”
“We’ve come a long way you know”, said Barabas McGee, a local leper, in defence of the village. “The last time someone was hung drawn and quartered must have been months ago. They just get hung these days. I think it’s great news. All the menfolk I’ve spoken to are really happy and gay about it”.
Others however were concerned at the news that they were 500 years behind everyone else.
“Apparently we now have to stop burning witches, which is mighty craic altogether on a full moon”, complained Moses Donnelly, a latrine pit emptier. “Sure, where’s the harm in that? It’s political correctness gone mad. I remember someone in the village saying they tried to bring us into the modern world a wee while back with this fella who came in spouting all the stuff about the new century and all that. Can’t remember his name. St Patrick I think. We don’t hold with all that new-fangled dung”.
“It’s tara. There’s a clatter of stuff I can’t do now. We’re told there’s laws against cousin-marryin, and you can’t drink until you’re a certain age”, said 7 year old chimney sweep Ezra Coyle. “And how am I supposed to sacrifice a goat on the altar every week if I’m not allowed a knife until I’m 18? Sperrin will go off his bap. Thou had better believe it”.
Since being discovered, many in Largybeg have wasted no time in catching up to the 21st century, with some unfortunate consequences. Last Monday, 26-year old Jebediah Connelly, a part-time minstrel, was given a £20 fine for ‘sexting’, the sending of obscene messages and pictures by mobile phone, after he was caught in Omagh tying rude drawings to an iPhone and hurling it at a female passerby.
Omagh Town Council have pledged to help integrate Largybeg into the local community, as soon as the local outbreak of bubonic plague has subsided. They will play a gaelic football game against Dregish next week.
A Tyrone employer is lamenting the loss of traditional skills in the area after finding a teenager using the back of his i-Phone to hammer nails into a plank of wood.
Frank Hooley, who runs a small joinery business in Cranagh, took on his nephew, 17 year old Aiden Lennox, as an apprentice to help the family out. He soon discovered that he had set his expectations too high.
“We were making a carcass for a chest of drawers and I told him to nail a plank of two-by-four to the base. Christ, did I not turn round and see him trying to push the nails in with the back of his phone. I told him to use the feckin’ hammer which was sitting right next to him. He went and spent the next ten minutes googling “how to use a hammer” on his phone. Then he tried to use it holding the wrong end. Daft bastard. He ended up trying to glue the nails in. Thon young cubs of today haven’t a clue” said an exasperated Holland. “I gave up and told him to go and get some more nails from the workshop. Did he not ask me whether we could just get some emailed through? Jaysus”.
In his defence, the young apprentice said,
“It’s easy for him taking the haun out of me. How am I supposed to know what a ‘hammer’ is? And the one he gave me must have been broken. It didn’t even come with a joystick. We weren’t all born a thousand years ago. And I had no training neither. How am I supposed to use a great big heavy thing like that to hit one of thon wee spiky sharp things. What are they called again?”
Lennox fared no better after having been found asking one of the other staff if they had “anything for making a bumpy bit of wood smooth, like a flat thing with a rough scratchy thing stuck to the top of it”. It subsequently transpired he was looking for a piece of sandpaper.
Local man Francis Hagan from Benburb held a press conference yesterday to launch a new iPhone application that will put an end to tales of wildly exaggerated nights out.
“People were doing my head in saying that the craic was 90 when I knew damn well it was nothing of the sort. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. Why not develop an app that proves what the craic was really like? See, there’s only ever been one level and that’s 90. That’s where my app comes in – if it says that the craic in the pub last night was 30, let’s not beat around the bush. It means it was shite. Nice and simple”.
Once activated the app detects the level of laughter, hysteria, sobbing, fighting and so on in the immediate vicinity, which it then converts into an index, based approximately on the following:
Quality of Craic
“The craic’s 10”
“The craic’s 20”
“The craic’s 30”
“The craic’s 40”
“The craic’s 50”
“The craic’s 60”
“The craic’s 70”
“The craic’s 80”
“The craic’s 90”
Hagan expects to refine the index further still.
“If some boyo were to say to you that the craic was 70.32 last night, you’ll know exactly what it was like, dead vivid and everything. Almost like you were there”. He admits the app needs more testing. “I tried to produce a result where the craic was 100. Jaysus. The house nearly disappeared into a parallel universe. It’s an impossibility due to a scientific paradox or something. These are unchartered waters I’m sailing in. You can’t mess with the natural order of things. Craic can’t be higher than 90. It just can’t. I won’t try that again. I might get sucked into a buckin black hole”.
Hagan says that other apps are in development, including a ‘Foundered Index’ for how cold someone is, and a ‘Bottle Index’ for how slippery roads are.
The current app will cost £1.99. Journalists who were given it to test reported that the craic at the press conference was 20.