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Clady Construction Worker Resigns, As ‘Take That’ Playlist Discovered On i-Phone

Clady not ready for Take That

Clady not ready for Take That

  BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

A Clady-based bricklayer yesterday resigned after allegations from colleagues that a playlist of the pop group ‘Take That’ had been discovered on his phone.

34-year old Dermot Grimes announced that he intended to quit his job with Clady firm Surebuild Construction with immediate effect to “spend more time with his family”, but denied any playlist wrongdoing.

“Me? Take That?” he said. “I don’t like Take That and never have. Personally I prefer proper music like Kasabian, The Saw Doctors, The Killers, and suchlike. Quite why people think I have a soft spot for Gary, Mark, Jason and Howard or whatever their names are, I have no idea. And I’ve certainly never bought any of their six albums, either before Robbie left in 1995 or after. And I can categorically say that I’ve never bought any of their eleven number 1 singles”.

He went on,

“Why on earth am I getting all this handlin’? Today’s not exactly been the greatest day I’ve ever had. It only takes a minute to see this is all a set up by someone at Surebuild. I’ll never forget what these people have done to me. Honestly, I’ve been up all night. My head’s openin’”.

One of Grimes’ workmates, who asked to remain anonymous, said,

“He’s having a laugh. We always suspected he liked Take That after he started walking about the building site wearing his hardhat the wrong way round. He’s not wise liking that sort of music, if you can call it that. It’s pure dung. Especially their early stuff, like ‘Take That and Party’, which wasn’t a patch on ‘Everything Changes’. Well, so some people say. I’ve never heard it myself. Not my sort of thing”.

An investigation is also underway regarding a further allegation that the playlist also contained ’House of ‘Love’ by East 17.

Tyrone’s Taxi Men Supplementing Wage With Part-Time Stripping

Coalisland taxi man

Coalisland taxi man

An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.

The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.

A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:

“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”

The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:

“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”

Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.

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