Monthly Archives: November 2021
REVEALED: Unwinnable Irish Lotto Run By Edendork Bingo Snowball Veteran
Investigations into the Irish Lotto, which hasn’t been won for 48 consecutive draws, have revealed that an Edendork man, who oversaw the infamous local Bingo Snowball which wasn’t won for 18 years, was hired by the Irish Lottery in April this year.
Stevie McCrannagh (77) appears to have been headhunted by Irish authorities earlier in the year after a documentary on Netflix identified him as the main brains behind the Edendork Snowball which wasn’t won between 1980 and 1997. Although his methods were never revealed, bingo masters who called the numbers in Edendork described pulling out balls that were so hot they couldn’t be read out and were subsequently dropped for a different choice.
Our reporter, Selina McCarthy, revealed:
“I can see why he was initially hired by the Irish Lottery crowd but how he manages to do it in this electronic age is a mystery. He really is a genius. There’s talk that he sold bricks to Tyrone Brick when they were still going.”
Although there is a more likely chance of a Cavan man telling the cashier to keep the change than there is of winning the lottery, statistically, the Irish government has urged people to stop complaining and to pick better numbers.
O’Neills Begin Production Of Checked Shirts, Cowboy Boots, Brown Belts and Flared Jeans
In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.
Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.
A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:
“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”
Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.
Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.
Bridge From Ireland To Scotland Plans Abolished Due To Potholes Already Appearing On Final Drafts
Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.
Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.
Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:
“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”
The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.
Nominees Selected For Mid-Ulster Ingenuity Awards
The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily. We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.
Begley’s Red Stars
Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40
Magnet for Electric Cars
JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.
Fake Covid Passports
Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.
MOT Tyre Fail Solvers
Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.
Ready-made placards for referee abuse
Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.
The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.
Tyrone County Board Blame Price Of Irwin’s Soda Farls For Increased Cost Of GAA Stream
A war is brewing between an Armagh bakery and the Tyrone County Board after it was revealed that most of the Tyrone Board have blamed Irwin’s bread, which has seen soda farls rise in price from £1.13 to £1.15 in the local Sainsbury’s in the last year, resulting in a £5 hike in the stream for a Tyrone County Final match from a first-round game.
Soda farls, a staple diet of players such as Iggy Jones, Kevin McCabe, John Lynch, Sean Teague and Philip Jordan, have risen 2p in price in the last 12 months, resulting in 3 floodlights in Garvaghy being turned off between the hours of 5pm and 7pm.
A fan of Irwin’s bread, Mr Anthony Fearon, claimed:
“This is pure Armagh and Portadown discrimination by them Tyrone hoors. The County Board in Tyrone raised them prices to cover the trip to Downings for the whole squad. I stand by Irwins, and soda farls in general.”
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board will provide copies of the AIF for an excellent Christmas present. DVDs cost £80 with a privatised message from Tyrone from Coronation Street for an extra £100.
Local Clergy Criticise Coalisland Schools For Rain-Dancing Lessons Ahead Of County Final
Several Coalisland school principals have been reprimanded by the Church for hosting a rash of rain-dancing lessons in the run-up to the Fianna’s match against Dromore in the Tyrone County Final.
In recent months, it has been proven without doubt that Coalisland play well in the rain and mud. In a recent friendly against Derrytresk, it rained for a total of 3 minutes in which time the Fianna scored 6 goals and 3 points. They were held scoreless for the other 57 minutes. Just last month, the Irish News’ Cahair O’Kane intimated at rain-dance practices in Coalisland after their victory of Carrickmore in the quarter-final. O’Kane is renowned for his investigative Tyrone GAA skills.
In leaked footage on TikTok, several Tyrone schools were recorded holding behind-closed-doors sessions on rain-dancing, hosted by famous Brackaville rain-dancing expert Seanie McNally.
In response, the local PP has asked for the practice to ‘desist’ and that any principal who continues allowing such lessons in their institutions will not receive free Gideon bibles this winter. Local women, who have also been photographed having rain-dancing sessions, were also denounced from the pulpit last week.
Meanwhile, Dromore GAA has asked Barra Best from BBC NI Weather to take training on Thursday in order to teach their players how to cope in wet conditions.