Monthly Archives: January 2018

Tyrone Struggling To Meet Dublin GAA Dressing Room Demands For Saturday

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin. 

The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.

A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:

 – Heated benches

– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water

– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them

– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times

– grapes

– soothing classical music and strictly no country music

– No member of the public within a 400 year radius

– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern

– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly

– a ping-pong table

– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel

– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh

– a temporary runway for landing and taking off

A Tyrone GAA sources added:

“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”

If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.

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Plans To Build Bridge Over Lough Neagh Get Green Light Despite Naming Disagreement

 

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Architecture’s drawings

The construction of a bridge between Ardboe and Aldergrove have been given the go-ahead, sparking a row over the naming of the structure to be opened in 2020. 

 

The £400m venture, partially funded by businessmen on both sides of the lough, will span 11 miles and involve negotiations with major airlines regarding how they can fly over and sometimes under the construction.

However, discussions became heated last night over the naming of the bridge with the Ardboe contingent demanding it should be called ‘The Frank McGuigan Way’ whilst businessmen in Antrim only prepared to invest if it is named ‘Orange Bridge’.

One of the brain-childs of the bridge, Philomena Forbes, explained the idea:

“It will be magnificent, perhaps the first manmade structure visible from the moon. It will be 11 miles across and speed limits will be around 60mph going up to 90mph around the middle bit. There are also plans to build an Apple Green Service Station on it somewhere and there will be no pedestrians, fishermen, cyclists and cops allowed on it.”

Unfortunately due to a scarcity of materials, the bridge will only go one way, from west to east, with people having to drive around the lough to get back to Tyrone.

Asked whether she had thought of possible environmental issues regarding the disturbance of fish and stuff, Forbes just laughed and said “like who eats eels any more.”

County’s Only Remaining Pair Of Christmas Socks Reportly Still Intact Near Omagh

odd-socks-flickr-circulating-978x561Despite rumours to the contrary, a pair of socks given as a Christmas present to a father of four just outside Omagh are still in operation despite approaching the end of January.

Retailers in the county confirmed that over 6900 pairs of socks were bought in the county in the run up to the festive period. It was thought that only 3450 single socks remained after the 25th of January until a man was spotted, and eventually approached, in the Spar in Tattyreagh wearing a matching pair of Game of Thrones socks.

John McCabe, who was out buying wheaten bread and a packet of Fruit Pastilles, admitted:

“It’s a pure fluke. I thought one of them was an A-Team one I’ve had since 1986 but it does now appear that I have two of the same kind. Who’d have thought that? I’m urging other men not to give up hope.”

Meanwhile, a survey has revealed that the long month after Christmas has left many families eating things at the back of their cupboards despite warning from health officials. A mother in Cookstown this morning admitted to friends in the hairdressers that she fed the whole family pickled cockles from a small jar for dinner all week.

Derrytresk Unveil Hospitality Package For New Season

 

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Prime Hospitality Seat

Corporate GAA has dripped its way down into grassroots level after it emerged that Derrytresk are to trial a new hospitality package for people wanting to watch their home games in this year’s intermediate league.

 

The 8-match deal, which will see teams such as Cookstown and Kildress visit the ground, will cost interested punters £400 or £60 per match which will include:

 

  • Free entry to the game
  • 50% off crisps and mineral in the first half
  • 30p off beer and spirits
  • a pre-match tour of the area including the chapel grotto and the River Blackwater
  • Prime seats on the rampart
  • free entry to cock-fights that weekend
  • find the guns in the moss and win a fiver
  • 2 JCB rides before and after a game
  • Meet the captain for a drink after the game

A spokesman for the club added:

“We need to make it clear that this point that the package does not include a free ticket for the half time draw. That must be purchased separately.”

Meanwhile, Killyman GFC are looking into a similar package for their club as soon as they can find something to include in it.

 

Moygashel Rejoice As Trump Fails To Include Them In Shithole Category

 

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Moygashel – not a shithole

A local community leader has labelled today a ‘great day for Moygashel’  after it emerged that the American president Donal Trump did not include them in his ‘shithole’ locations across the world.

 

The south Tyrone village, which comes from the old Irish for ‘town of the graffiti’, is preparing to launch a 2-day street party in what is being hailed as a ‘new era for area’ by Get Them Oul Til Fook (GTOTF) leader Henrietta Harlot:

“We’ve had a series of bad press over the years due to dubious posters and spray paintings and stuff but this is wonderful news. For a man of that power and prestige to not include us in a list of shitholes is like Christmas all over again. This is just the start of a new era for Moygashel.”

Not all residents agreed with GTOTF’s sentiments with graffiti having already emerged in the village this morning stating ‘We Exist Ye Trumpy Bastid’.

Meanwhile, a decision to start a collection to erect a statue in the village of Trump in honour of his statement regarding shitholes is to be debated today in the carpark of the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church.

East Tyrone Peaky Blinders Reign Of Terror Continues

11A gang of about 12 Ardboe women, who peak through their venetian blinds at other members of their community going about their daily business and posting it online, have upped their reign of terror by setting up a blog whistle-blowing on people who are getting Jobseekers’ Allowance whilst working locally. 

The notorious group also vowed to expose alledged under the counter deals, people driving whilst texting and general gulpin behaviour on their multiple social media sites by purchasing more venetian blinds for other minor rooms in their houses to look through.

Polly Coyle, the notorious Head of Operations for the Peakys, added:

“This is a new period of expansion for us. Ghost-oh, but the price of the venetian blinds is killing us though. And plasters too. A few of our women have sliced their fingers on these new razor-blade blinds. Our order of the Peaky Blinders will have to change to softer-edged ones.”

To date, the Peakys have waged war on communist Moortownians, Ballinderry unionists and pledged to sort out the Brocagh mafia before the year is out.

Meanwhile, a suspect crystal meth lab in Lissan which was raided on Monday has been deemed a false alarm. A local school teacher and his ex pupil were released after it emerged the lab was simply an elaborate poitin-making operation which is still legal in the village.

County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy

 

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Pomeroy Beast

Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight. 

 

Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.

Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.

Pastor Genical added:

“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”

Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.

Sir Joe Brolly May Have Secretly Accepted A Knighthood In 1993

 

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Artist’s impression of occasion

Documents found in the attic of a house in Brackaville have suggested that Joe Brolly has been a Sir since 1993, according to a Brackaville club committee man who bought the new abode at an auction in Cookstown.

 

The piece of paper, written to Brolly by Anthony Tohill in early 1994, is now on show behind a glass case in the clubrooms despite Conor Grimes asking for it to be put into a filing cabinet.

Basil Gillis remarked:

“It’s quite obvious that Tohill was in on this. He started the letter ‘Dear Joe Brolly sir, ……’ and uses ‘sir’ loads of times in many sentences. It’s clear that Tohill didn’t know where to put the ‘sir’ with him being from Swatragh and all but it’s there in black and white.”

Although Gillis is unwilling to publish his findings yet, he is convinced that most of the Derry 1993 All-Ireland winning team were knighted after he stumbled upon a 20-year reunion video and most of them were calling each other ‘sir’ all night although it sounded more like ‘sur’.

“I’m just not surprised at all. I’ve seen a few of them Derry lads walking straight into restaurants or chippies and getting served straight away which we all know is a perk of being knighted by the Queen of England.”

Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that they overheard a sideline meeting between Damien Cassidy and Damien Barton at a Tyrone club match last year and they both addressed each other with the moniker ‘sir’, albeit at the end of the sentences.

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