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East Tyrone Peaky Blinders Reign Of Terror Continues

11A gang of about 12 Ardboe women, who peak through their venetian blinds at other members of their community going about their daily business and posting it online, have upped their reign of terror by setting up a blog whistle-blowing on people who are getting Jobseekers’ Allowance whilst working locally. 

The notorious group also vowed to expose alledged under the counter deals, people driving whilst texting and general gulpin behaviour on their multiple social media sites by purchasing more venetian blinds for other minor rooms in their houses to look through.

Polly Coyle, the notorious Head of Operations for the Peakys, added:

“This is a new period of expansion for us. Ghost-oh, but the price of the venetian blinds is killing us though. And plasters too. A few of our women have sliced their fingers on these new razor-blade blinds. Our order of the Peaky Blinders will have to change to softer-edged ones.”

To date, the Peakys have waged war on communist Moortownians, Ballinderry unionists and pledged to sort out the Brocagh mafia before the year is out.

Meanwhile, a suspect crystal meth lab in Lissan which was raided on Monday has been deemed a false alarm. A local school teacher and his ex pupil were released after it emerged the lab was simply an elaborate poitin-making operation which is still legal in the village.

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Moy Woman Gets Tattoo. Locals Give Verdict.

Llama in the Moy

Llama in the Moy

Miss Moy 1988, Pamela Jordan (42), ‘went ahead anyway’ and got a tattoo of a llama on her outer thigh despite reservations expressed in the hamlet during the week. Jordan became the first Moy woman to go under the needle since Kirsty Mackle had a small gnu tattooed onto her heel in 1986. They remain the only people from the area to sport a tattoo. Eglish have reportedly seventeen people with skin graffiti. Tyrone Tribulations went out and about The Moy this morning to gauge reaction to Jordan’s decision.

“Well Holy Jaysus. Why in under God did she go ahead with it? She was a great looking young girl. That Miss Moy ’88 has gone to her head altogether. It’s in them Jordans. Her great aunt Elma was the first woman in the Moy to wear a short skirt, in 1949. I remember the local PP fainting when she went up for communion. To be fair, attendances went up. Something for the dads.” PADDY HOLMES (88)

“A llama. A buckin llama. What is wrong with a chinese proverb or some kind of celtic thing? It’s in them Jordans. Always thinking they’re pioneers. See them llamas, when they don’t like the eye in your head they start spitting, kicking and neck wrestling. Give it three months and all the young girls will be spitting and neck wrestling. I don’t mind the kicking.” SUSAN GLACKIN (55)

“Ah sure isn’t it great. A bit of positive news for the village. Although it’s in them Jordans, she’s free to do what she wants with her thighs. As for the llama, sure isn’t better than my nephew from Eglish who got one of a cock. Or was it a hen? I cannot remember but it was some kind of fowl. Some dick. Not the tattoo, him.”  DENISE MARTIN (45)

“A gnu. Now a llama. Next they’ll be devil worshipping or snorting meth.” FR TOBY CASSIDY (71)

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