Lockdown Sees Worrying Rise In Cousin Fancying Again Along Tyrone/Derry Border, Says Study
Scientists at the University of Ulster have confirmed that a lesser-talked about side effect from the last couple of years has been the rise in local men and women starting to fancy their cousins again, especially those on the Derry side of Ballinderry and Lissan.
Due to part-isolation and not straying too far from their localities, the century old problem of cousins tackling each other in hedges and bell towers has risen its head to levels not seen since the 1950s in the Mid-Ulster area.
Schools have already been asked to educate pupils on the dangers of cousin-fancying and point to some unusual looking families on the Tyrone/Derry border as evidence, although most of that was put down to just marrying Derry ones.
Ulster GAA have already confirmed that should Tyrone defeat in the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship and go on to meet Derry, there will be piles of segregation going on between the two sets of supporters to prevent further fancying, with a dozen priests signed up to roam the stand in order to cut out the scourge of related courting.
Tyrone Tourism Board Criticised For Underwhelming 2022 Marketing Campaign
Questions are being asked about the ability of the current Tyrone Tourism Marketing Team to promote the county effectively after their much-awaited 2022 campaign kicked off with an unveiling of their new flagship poster.
The controversial design, which depicts a man apparently about to urinate in a field, a diesel laundering operation as well as a brawl between Tyrone and Dublin GAA teams, all done on Microsoft Word, was unveiled to a limp round of applause at a socially distanced event in Augher’s Main Street.
Defending the images, PR coordinator Johnny Copeland explained:
“That man isn’t going to the toilet. He’s just relaxed by staring at the field and has maybe undone his belt. The diesel shed perfectly displays Tyrone’s industry and the match epitomises the fighting spirit of its Gaels. These snowflakes need to wise up.”
It has since emerged that the chief designer is a fella McGuckian from Ballinderry and may have sabotaged the whole operation. He was last seen driving in the direction of Magherafelt ‘laughing his head off’ according to pedestrians.
Meanwhile, a competition to pick Tyrone’s loveliest married couple has been put on hold after only three couples entered, with two of them separated for nine and twelve years respectively.
Worry In Tyrone As New Secretary of State Has A Derry Head On Him
Brandon Lewis’ appointment today, who replaced Julian Smith as the NI Secretary of State, has caused much consternation in Tyrone as he clearly has a distinct Derry head on him.
In recent years, there has been a feeling in the county that Derry have been given money more readily towards infrastructure and schools and this will only increase suspicions of bias especially as the new man has a Derry head on him.
Margaret Dinny, a politics teacher from Omagh, confirmed our worst fears:
“He definitely has an oul thick Derry head on him. Those puffed red cheeks and attempt at a spiked haircut despite his advancing years is a classic south Derry look. And he’s always smirking. Bet the wee balax has a notion of his cousins too. We could be in for a tough time again in Tyrone. “
There has already been confirmation that one of Lewis’ first visits will be to Ballinderry to confirm that most of it is actually in Derry which is geographically incorrect.
There are also rumours that he may move the foot of the Sperrins out of Tyrone completely by doing some serious fracking around Greencastle in order to move the mountain range by force.
Ardboe Man Who Trained Dog To Bark ‘F**k Derry’ Found Guilty Of Hate Crime
A retired Ardboe pensioner is facing up to 10 years in Maghaberry after he admitted to training his collie Pebbles to bark ‘f**k Derry’ on command when being visited by relatives from the Derry side of Ballinderry.
Gerry ‘Queen’ Quinn, who was previously cautioned for teaching his pet budgerigar to sing Wolfe Tones songs during a 12th July parade in Coagh, revealed he trained the dog to utter obscenities aimed at the Oak Leaf county over a period of four years, treating Pebbles to cheeseburgers and chips after tasks were accomplished.
Judge Peter Campbell added:
“This was a systematic pattern of training pets to do his dirty work. We have it on good authority that he had three cats undergoing similar training, targeting a wide range of government officials using verbal and physical tactics. He is like a Dark Dr Doolittle, doing a lot of damage.”
Quinn has decided not to appeal the decision when it is handed down, claiming it was worth it “to see the look on them tramps’ faces”.
Pebbles has been handed over to the RSPCA to be retrained to bark more normal local things like ‘ghost oh it’s tarra’ and ‘are ye blind, ref?’.
East Tyrone Peaky Blinders Reign Of Terror Continues
A gang of about 12 Ardboe women, who peak through their venetian blinds at other members of their community going about their daily business and posting it online, have upped their reign of terror by setting up a blog whistle-blowing on people who are getting Jobseekers’ Allowance whilst working locally.
The notorious group also vowed to expose alledged under the counter deals, people driving whilst texting and general gulpin behaviour on their multiple social media sites by purchasing more venetian blinds for other minor rooms in their houses to look through.
Polly Coyle, the notorious Head of Operations for the Peakys, added:
“This is a new period of expansion for us. Ghost-oh, but the price of the venetian blinds is killing us though. And plasters too. A few of our women have sliced their fingers on these new razor-blade blinds. Our order of the Peaky Blinders will have to change to softer-edged ones.”
To date, the Peakys have waged war on communist Moortownians, Ballinderry unionists and pledged to sort out the Brocagh mafia before the year is out.
Meanwhile, a suspect crystal meth lab in Lissan which was raided on Monday has been deemed a false alarm. A local school teacher and his ex pupil were released after it emerged the lab was simply an elaborate poitin-making operation which is still legal in the village.
Cocky Ardboe Pensioner Buys Wife 50 Shades Darker Cinema Tickets And Oysters For Valentine’s Day
An Ardboe octogenarian reportedly spent today winking at people who know him around Ardboe after it emerged he bought his 82 year old wife, originally from Ballinderry, 2 tickets to see Jamie Dornan’s latest steamy movie ‘50 Shades Darker’ as well as a bag of oysters for Valentine’s Day next week.
John Joe Donnelly (84) admitted he is aiming to make up for last year’s gift of a pair of thigh-length leather boots and handcuffs which left the former O’Donovan Rossa player sleeping in the shed until the middle of March.
“A few of the lads in the pub said she’ll go mad for this film. Apparently it’s about a boy who is great at using baling twine around the house and wife hits him the odd slap when he starts acting the bollocks. To me it could just as well have been set in Ardboe. And she likes shellfish so the 120g of oysters will be well-received.”
Donnelly still maintains last year’s boots were a complete misunderstanding and would have proved to be fantastic footwear for dunging out the yard all year around, if she’d given them the chance and not taken the wrong meaning from the gesture.
“I can’t see how this year’s double gift could go wrong. A wholesome country tale in the pictures and a pile of molluscs. There’s no double meaning there. And the handcuffs last year were just a novelty joke thing from a cracker.”
Donnelly was later seen winking at other men in the shop and rubbing his hands with his tongue hanging out.
20 Women Thrown Out Of Rose Of Ardboe Beauty Competition For Doping
In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.
The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.
Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:
“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”
The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:
“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”
Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.
John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.
Colm O’Rourke Warned For ‘Tittering And Laughing’ In Staffroom This Morning
Insiders at St Patrick’s in Navan confirmed this afternoon that Colm O’Rourke had to be warned three times by the Board of Governors for ‘giggling away to himself’ at a first staff meeting for the 2015/6 academic year. Mr O’Rourke, Principal of the school, was finally asked to stand in the corner after smirking and rubbing his hands during a conversation on discipline procedures for the coming year.
Cleaner Mary Dowds, who has worked in the school since 1933, explained how O’Rourke was in unusually pleasant form for the first day back:
“The master would be a grumpy sort of man but this morning he was grinning from ear to ear and saying things like ‘I’ve got them now‘ and ‘Pat and Joe will be so pleased with me‘, and pointing at his nose and winking. We hadn’t a clue what he was on about.”
O’Rourke’s mobile phone was also confiscated by the Chair of the Board after he was caught texting several times during the meeting. Dowds added:
“He was infuriating everyone. The chairperson took the phone off him and read out one of his texts. It was addressed to a ‘Ciaran’ and it said ‘LOL, can’t believe RTE fell for it.’ It didn’t seem to faze him though and he just kept on smirking.”
Meanwhile, The Ulster Samaritans revealed they’re still perplexed at the astronomical rise in calls to their centres over the weekend, mostly from Derry and Armagh callers. Samaritans spokesperson Mary Applebum explained:
“From 6pm on Saturday evening til last night our phones were red hot with people from Ballinderry and Maghery wailing and sobbing. We couldn’t really work out what was wrong but they seemed to be worried about their heart or something like that.”
Ardboe Farmer Fined For Smoking Whilst Pushing Wheelbarrow
Following the news that a farmer who lit up a cigarette in his tractor could face a fine of up to £1,000 after he was deemed to be smoking in his workplace in a commercial vehicle capable of “carrying more than one person”, a 66-year old farmer from the Battery Road in Ardboe has been fined £300 on the spot for smoking a cigarette (Marlboro) whilst manoeuvring a barrow full of compost from his garden to the rampart.
Patsy Quinn, who will contest the fine, maintains it’s one rule for government ministers and another for the average Joe:
“I remember seeing McGuinness holding a barrow up with yer woman O’Neill in her and him with a Benson and Hedges drooping from his lip. There was no word of fines or the like then. Ghost oh, it’s a joke.”
Quinn will also contest the fine on the grounds that his barrow couldn’t hold any of the women in his family as they were ‘all big eaters’, negating the suggestion that it’s a two-person contraption.
Jackie Conlon also appeared before a magistrate at Cookstown Court this morning on a charge of smoking whilst in control of a donkey and cart he uses to sell eels around Moortown and Ballinderry.
Conlon (71) admitted to freely smoking a Cuban cigar on a vehicle capable of carrying ‘about 15 people’ in the back of it. On accepting the charge, an emotional Conlon added:
“Have yiz nothing better til be at like. The country’s couped.”
“I Did Not Say It Was OK To Kick Derry Ones In The Balls” Says Pope
Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘.
Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.
Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:
“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”
When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:
“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”
Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.
Leaked Document Reveals Derrytresk Training Schedule For Junior Final
A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.
The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.
Amongst other directions, the instructions included:
- Six raw eggs every morning
- a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
- Listening to traditional music
- a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training
When asked about that final item, our source told us:
“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”
Other recommendations included:
- Six Hail Marys every night before bed
- No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
- Planking and meditation
When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’
Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.
County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era
A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.
With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:
“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”
A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:
“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”
Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.
Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit
UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.
The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:
“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”
Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:
“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “
he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.
Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.
Tyrone’s Taxi Men Supplementing Wage With Part-Time Stripping
An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.
The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.
A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:
“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”
The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:
“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”
Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.
Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management
East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.
Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:
“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”
Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:
“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”
Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.
Brocagh Man Will Donate £300 If Wife Keeps Make-Up On For Selfie
The astonishing success of the ‘selfie’ for Cancer Awareness (see below how to donate), which has raised a remarkable £2 million and rising, has been further helped along by a Brocagh carpenter who has pledged to donate £300 to the research as long as his wife keeps her make-up on for her own selfie.
Jackie McMahon (49), a four-time winner of the Brocagh Sports wellie-tossing competition, is adamant that his wife will not share her natural looks with her 822 online friends, including members of the clergy:
“Under no circumstances will I allow that to happen. I have a strong stomach but it’s touch and go every morning how I’ll react when I turn around. Sometimes I forget and find myself on the floor taking deep breaths to prevent the passing out phase that I used to experience in my 30s.”
June McMahon (48), originally from Carnan, admitted:
“I’m in two minds here. I could stick 10 different photos up and raise the same amount and annoy him beyond belief. Or I could deprive him of his weekend drinking money and allow him to fork out the £300. Tough decisions. And by the way, you should see the cut of him! No oil painting is a tame expression there. His ma told me that when he was born they kept him in the pram outside the front door to ward off tax men, Mormons and banshees. Brutal she says.”
Meanwhile, an Ardboe painter has been roundly applauded for taking the riskiest selfie ever during the bull run in Ballinderry this morning.
Tyrone Tribulations fully supports the No Make-Up Selfie For Cancer Awareness and would encourage anyone who reads this article and hasn’t donated (especially the men) to do so by texting BEAT to 70099. You’ll be charged £3 plus one message at your standard network rate.
Colin Farrell Set To Play Hugo Duncan In Movie, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’
Unconfirmed rumours continued to spread yesterday that Colin Farrell has signed up to play the part of Hugo Duncan in a Hollywood biopic about the wee man from Strabane.
Self-appointed publicist and unofficial theatrical agent Fergal McCaffrey from Ballinderry said,
“We just about had Tom Cruise lined up see, because Tom’s a wee fella just like Hugo. But then we told him about Hugo’s 70s band ‘The Tall Men’, and he started getting cold feet. It was probably the thought of having to wear draughty built-up shoes. And he was getting all uppity, wanting to play Hugo with an American accent and changing his occupation from deadly singer to deadly assassin, which is stretching the truth a bit. The final straw came when he wanted the name of the character changed from Uncle Hugo to Godfather Hugo, and play him as this sort of evil character dispensing despair and misery wherever he goes. Jays, I know Hugo’s recorded a few dodgy tracks but that’s going a bit far. Some clift thon Tom Cruise. Although he was great in ‘Forrest Gump”.
“Colin Farrell said he’d do it straight away. If he hadn’t accepted then we still had a couple of other options, although casting one of the Jedwards as Hugo would have needed an awful lot of make-up”.
Comments from sources close to Farrell in Dublin suggested that the critically-acclaimed Dublin-born actor jumped at the part and was eager to get into character as soon as possible, although it is believed he may have got Hugo Duncan mixed up with Hugh Hefner, the flamboyant billionaire and creator of the Playboy empire.
If made, the gritty movie is expected to be given an ‘18’ adult certificate, as it is likely to contain original footage of Duncan dressed up as Britney Spears for the BBC’s 2006 Children in Need.
“Aye, this is going to be a no-holds-barred movie, the good the bad and the ugly”, said McCaffrey. “I’ve watched that Children in Need tape. The audience are going to need a strong stomach boys. And I thought ‘The Exorcist’ was bad”.
Entitled, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’, the movie is set to chart the rise of Duncan throughout his career as singer and performer, as well as his radio and television career.
“This stuff is dynamite”, said an excited McCaffrey. “It’ll be almost identical to that Robbie Williams film ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ except without the guns, explosions, politics, war, fights, planes, uniforms and scenery. Think ‘Cocoon’ but with music and dancing and suchlike. Mighty”.
As at last night, there were further rumours that Sandra Bullock was in talks to play the part of Lynette Fay.
Released 1986 Files Reveals British Fear Of Tyronnies
Previously confidential state files show that the government considered anyone from Tyrone to be completely terrifying and kept a file on every person born and reared in the county, code-naming the folder ‘MB’.
When pressed this morning on what MB stood for, ex-Tory Secretary of State Basil Winklebottom confirmed it stood for ‘Mad Bastards’.
The previously 1986 secret files were released by the Public Record Office of Northern Ireland (PRONI) under the 30-year ruling and contained some startling detail into the life and habits of everyone from Ardboe to Aughabrack. It was generally concluded that:
- The Ardboe diet consisted of fried eel for breakfast, fried pollan for lunch and eel stew for dinner. Ardboe children were sent to school with eel bites for a snack
- Donaghmore residents were well read and could quote Shakespeare even whilst down at the shop getting corned beef.
- Loughmacrory men used a petrol cologne before going to dances
- Urney was a no-go area for Strabanese locals
Winklebottom admitted meeting a Tyronnie on the streets of London had most MPs tossing and turning at night:
“Do you know scientists in 1986 were sure that a Tyrone woman could wrestle a bear and defeat it? They carried out 3 experiments and all 3 times, the woman from Dromore won. And the men were all into Boomtown Rats, Springsteen and the Undertones, and dressed accordingly. We’ve always had trouble with Tyrone going back 1000 years now and if they’d mobilised the whole of Tyrone in 1983 we’d have been hammered. Then Johnny Logan arrived on the scene and they softened a bit.”
Other secret revelations and plans from 1986 included:
- Fly Frank McGuigan over from America to give the restless locals something to go and watch at the weekends.
- Build a Nuclear Power Station at the Washingbay
- Reclaim Ballinderry
- Amalgamate Augher and Clogher to create Claugher.
- Make the Chopper bicycle the new county coat of arms
The catalogue of files for 1986-197 will be publicly available online on PRONI website from Tuesday 27 December 2013 and files will be available to view at PRONI from Friday 30 December.