Unconfirmed rumours continued to spread yesterday that Colin Farrell has signed up to play the part of Hugo Duncan in a Hollywood biopic about the wee man from Strabane.
Self-appointed publicist and unofficial theatrical agent Fergal McCaffrey from Ballinderry said,
“We just about had Tom Cruise lined up see, because Tom’s a wee fella just like Hugo. But then we told him about Hugo’s 70s band ‘The Tall Men’, and he started getting cold feet. It was probably the thought of having to wear draughty built-up shoes. And he was getting all uppity, wanting to play Hugo with an American accent and changing his occupation from deadly singer to deadly assassin, which is stretching the truth a bit. The final straw came when he wanted the name of the character changed from Uncle Hugo to Godfather Hugo, and play him as this sort of evil character dispensing despair and misery wherever he goes. Jays, I know Hugo’s recorded a few dodgy tracks but that’s going a bit far. Some clift thon Tom Cruise. Although he was great in ‘Forrest Gump”.
“Colin Farrell said he’d do it straight away. If he hadn’t accepted then we still had a couple of other options, although casting one of the Jedwards as Hugo would have needed an awful lot of make-up”.
Comments from sources close to Farrell in Dublin suggested that the critically-acclaimed Dublin-born actor jumped at the part and was eager to get into character as soon as possible, although it is believed he may have got Hugo Duncan mixed up with Hugh Hefner, the flamboyant billionaire and creator of the Playboy empire.
If made, the gritty movie is expected to be given an ‘18’ adult certificate, as it is likely to contain original footage of Duncan dressed up as Britney Spears for the BBC’s 2006 Children in Need.
“Aye, this is going to be a no-holds-barred movie, the good the bad and the ugly”, said McCaffrey. “I’ve watched that Children in Need tape. The audience are going to need a strong stomach boys. And I thought ‘The Exorcist’ was bad”.
Entitled, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’, the movie is set to chart the rise of Duncan throughout his career as singer and performer, as well as his radio and television career.
“This stuff is dynamite”, said an excited McCaffrey. “It’ll be almost identical to that Robbie Williams film ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ except without the guns, explosions, politics, war, fights, planes, uniforms and scenery. Think ‘Cocoon’ but with music and dancing and suchlike. Mighty”.
As at last night, there were further rumours that Sandra Bullock was in talks to play the part of Lynette Fay.
Management at Dungannon & South Tyrone Borough Council fear an epidemic of sick workers following news last week that the council staff have an absenteeism rate amongst the highest in the 26 Councils in the North.
Head Councillor Liam O’Donoghue said,
“This has to stop. We’re far too lenient with staff with some of the daft excuses they’re coming up with. I fully intend to deal with the situation, firmly and decisively, just as soon as I get back to work after I bit my tongue last week. It’s really sore you know. I was off on Friday and I could scarcely concentrate on watching the entire Godfather trilogy. It was that bad. Ouch”.
Staff however have protested that the absences are legitimate, and that the Council should be more supportive.
Brian Guthrie, a red tape winder from Caledon said,
“I know I was off all day yesterday, but I tried to get out of bed and my duvet wouldn’t let me. It’s the truth. People think that they climb into bed and the duvet warms them up. Mine doesn’t. It’s the other buckin way around. It’s me that heats the duvet up, and the damn thing knows it full well. It would only let me go once the central heating came on. Narra escape boys, narra escape”.
Marty Murdock, from Galbally, was also off sick at the beginning of this week.
“I couldn’t face going to work on Monday. Jaysus, I had the tara sweats and my head was pounding. I won’t go into the detail but I was in trouble at both ends. I was in Tally’s for a few hours the night before and I think it might have been a bad salted peanut or something. That must have been it, because I didn’t eat anything else. Or I don’t think I did. To be honest I can’t remember a thing”.
Joe McSorley, a scribe from Edendork also had a sorry tale of woe.
“Killeeshil lost to Emyvale on Saturday night at the Junior Championship Final. Do you know how hard that can be to recover from? I couldn’t face it. No wonder I was off on Monday and Tuesday. It would be even worse if I was a fan or I actually liked football”.
Other reasons for staff not turning up at work include life-threatening paper cuts, sore hair, getting lost on the way to work, not being able to decide what to wear, and being kept captive inside their house by a swarm of midges.