Category Archives: Cookstown
‘The Middlin Boys’ Ardboe Male Dancers Disappoint Female Audience In Cookstown
Aiming to cash in on ‘The Pleasure Boys’ exposure in recent days, an Ardboe troupe of men, named ‘The Middlin Boys’, made their debut in Cookstown last night in a performance that was described as ‘disappointing’.
The Middlin Boys, which consists of 4 builders, 2 sparks, 2 plasterers, and a butcher, only performed for 25 minutes as one of the performers needed his inhaler. Another member of the group appeared to be drunk and sat on a chair drinking a bottle of Peroni and just took off his cap, throwing it up in the air, shouting ‘yeeeoo’.
A woman in the audience, who wishes to remain anonymous, added:
“Aye it was a bit of a let-down. After seeing them boys in Belfast at the weekend, I was keenly anticipating The Middlin Boys. They weren’t even middlin. It was more like ‘The Shite Boys’. One fella, I think it was a plasterer, just replastered a wall with his top off. He even took a break halfway though and ate a sandwich with a cup of tea. It wasn’t all that appealing, to be honest.”
The Middlin Boys will be performing in Aughnacloy tomorrow night.
Michelle O’Neill To Be Crowned At Tullyhogue In First Inauguration Since 1595
The O’Neill society of Tullyhogue and Stewartstown have confirmed that Clonoe’s Michelle O’Neill will get ‘the full works’ at a ceremony at Tullyhogue Fort as soon as Stormont is up and running again.
The site, which last saw an inauguration in 1595 when her distant cousin Hugh was crowned the O’Neill, is already being tidied up with a man from Cookstown heading up tomorrow with a Massey to mow a pathway to the ancient historical mound, despite charging an astronomical amount for the service.
One of the O’Hagan’s from Derrylaughan has already been chosen to place the golden sandal on her foot to symbolise her authority. The sandal will be bought from Tom Morrow’s in Dungannon, retailing at £69.99.
Music will be supplied by the harpist Terry O’Carlan who will play tunes such as Lady In Red, Changes, and The Heat Is On. A lone piper will lead O’Neill up the Tullywiggan Rd, through the cowgate and up to the mound.
Tickets are limited and can be purchased in Spar shops.
Four MLAs Fight Over Laptop Plug In Coffee Shop In Cookstown
Four prominent MLAs had to be pulled apart after they came to blows over the usage of a plug to charge their laptops whilst sitting in a coffee shop, Grinders, in Cookstown, which they visit every day for up to six hours.
Harry Anderson (SDLP), Loretta Campbell (Alliance), Daithi O’Callaghan (SF) and Norman Blackside (DUP) have since been barred from Grinders for a month due to the disruption caused by their riotous behaviour at the weekend.
Hugh O’Neill from Tullyhogue witnessed the ordeal:
“I saw this coming a mile away. Sometimes you have up to 20 MLAs in the coffee shop at any one time on their laptops for hours on end. To be fair, they keep coffee shops afloat at the minute. Anyway, there was only one plug left free and Anderson went over and unplugged the extension lead which was serving the other three. It ended with Blackside emptying a whole cappuchino over O’Callaghan. Luckily, Blackside takes a pile of milk so the burns were minor. And Anderson definitely called Campbell ‘an oul c**t’ “
Grinders published a message on Facebook warning any MLAs who want to come into their shop to behave or there will be a permanent ban and they’ll have to go to Stewartstown or Moneymore for coffee.
Harte Sets Sights On Reclaiming Cookstown, Ardboe & Greencastle Into Greater Derry As Well As Turning Flag Upside Down
A leaked document has revealed that Mickey Harte will approach Owen Mulligan, Brian McGuigan and Sean Teague to be the faces of a new ‘Greater Derry’ campaign, activating an old geographical claim dating back to 1782 to some of north Tyrone.
Harte has also approached Derry GAA HQ to ask if they would consider having the white part of the flag closer to the pole and promoting a new supporter chant ‘Derry, yer on yer own, sir’.
In a final demand, Mickey’s second-in-command Horse Devlin is to be given a caravan in Ballyronan for family holidays with spectacular views of the Lough, a free boat ride from the Marina once a month, and tickets to Dana’s next concert.
The family of Mulligan has revealed concerns that his hair has started to turn ginger again because of stress since the news of Cookstown’s possible move into the Oak Leaf. Sean Teague was spotted punching the Sperrin Mountains above Greencastle in anger, whilst Brian McGuigan has embraced the idea of becoming a Derry man if it brings more customers to the pub.
A third cousin of Joe Brolly from Maghera told us:
“This is like Barry McElduff donning a sash and bating a lambeg through Carrickmore. Rub it up them Tyrone ones. We might be inbred but Sam’s coming home next year. Derry amongst the bushes!”
The EU has offered military reinforcements for the Tyrone Derry NFL game next year.
Cookstown Man Blows Family Holiday Budget After Eating A Large Fry With 2 Pints At Aldergrove Airport
A Cookstown family have started a GoFundMe page on Facebook after their father spent the whole week-long budget for Malaga within an hour of arriving at Aldergrove airport, on a large fry and 2 beers at the airport bar.
Patsy Mulligan, who didn’t have cereal before he left the house, insisted that the holiday went ahead anyway despite only having 1 day’s pocket money left to feed himself, his wife and four children.
“How was I to know the price of a fry at the airport? And the beers were ridiculously dear but I was deadly thirsty. If people can donate to the page, that would be great.”
Mrs Mulligan, who worked overtime in Woolworths for the holiday, is refusing to give Patsy any of the pancakes she brought with her until there’s at least £100 in his Facebook page.
Mr Mulligan was also cautioned after fighting with one of the electronic robots that brings your breakfast to you, over the unavailability of brown sauce.
Funding Initiative To Rewild Tyrone Men In Swatragh and Dungiven Gets Green Light Despite Protests
Money has finally been released by the Department of Improvement to rewild virile Tyrone men in the heartland of county Derry in order to boost athletic achievement, despite rioting from local men who maintain it should be the other way about.
The idea, which was hatched in 2019 when Derry was at a low ebb on the GAA field, will see over 100 Tyrone men relocated to temporary accommodation in Swatragh and Dungiven, and encouraged to go to dances and integrate themselves into parish raffles, bazaars, and tombolas.
News of the release of funds was met with a riot between Dungiven men and local politicians who sanctioned the initiative four years ago.
Dungiven stalwart Gerry McGonigle fumed:
“Sure we’re better than them now. It should be the other way about if Tyrone want to be winning stuff. Rewild us in Cookstown and Carrickmore I say. I understand Swatragh getting a bit of help but sure all they needed was to have a few Slaughtneil men thrown into the area, sur.”
Several cars were overturned in the Swatragh area with graffiti reading ‘get back to the bushes yiz red hand bastids‘ daubed on a wall near Maghera.
Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Brand New Second-Hand Car Dealership Opens In Cookstown Amidst Confusion Over Name
A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.
BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.
Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:
“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”
When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.
Plasterers Top Sexiest Men Survey. Joiners Finish Last.
After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.
In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.
On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.
Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:
“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”
This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.
Mid Ulster DUP Election Poster Accused Of Giving People Dirty Looks
Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.
In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.
And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.
Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.
“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”
In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.
O’Neills Begin Production Of Checked Shirts, Cowboy Boots, Brown Belts and Flared Jeans
In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.
Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.
A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:
“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”
Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.
Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.
Tyrone Ones Urged Not To Blow £100 Voucher On Brown Shoes, Jeans, CB Radios, Red Diesel, Crisps and Mineral
The brains behind the £100 high-street voucher scheme have asked Tyrone people to hold back on blowing the entire card on things they’d normally purchase weekly anyway such as smoke machines, blonde highlights, half-time draws, caravans in Donegal, Buckfast, spades and 50ps for the snooker table.
Despite no one having received the voucher yet, queues have already formed outside Cookstown in readiness for Saturday’s market with Wrangler Jeans on top of most people’s lists as well as Lynx Africa, cords, fishing hooks, diffing magazines and corned beef.
Stories have already emerged of gangs of Tyrone men grouping together to spend their combined vouchers on kitting out car interiors with furry steering wheel covers and low-down bucket car seats with many women snapping up three years’ worth of Nathan Carter concerts.
Local SF councillor Daithi McGleenan has asked his county people not to rush into spending the £100 in one visit:
“I urge you all to calm. There’s no point in buying 20 Tyrone headbands in Begley’s and having nothing left within 5 minutes of getting it. Not that I’ve anything against Begley’s.”
One Augher man has already challenged the scheme and how it is distributed. He has asked for it to be paid in 100 £1 coins which he can use for the trolleys in Enniskillen.
Tyrone Heroes Prepare To Get Heads Taken Clean Off In Club Championship
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
Cookstown Foiled In Devious Bid To Become Hottest Place On Record. Thermometer Found In Glove Compartment In Datsun Sunny.
Cookstown’s attempt to oust Castlederg’s standing as the hottest place in the north of Ireland was foiled after it emerged their 36.6°C claim today was achieved by placing the town’s big thermometer in the glove compartment of a 1987 Datsun Sunny Estate.
The news follows on from Armagh being stripped of their claim when it was discovered that their big thermometer was placed beside a stove in a house near Maghery which still baked sodas over an open fire.
Stories have since emerged that the ’87 Datsun was owned by Owen Mulligan who organised the ruse in a bid to get people to flock to his pub in Cookstown for the weekend’s All-Ireland semi-final.
Barra Best, who checks record temperatures all over the world, revealed that today’s record most certainly won’t count:
“It most certainly won’t count. I nearly passed out when I opened the door of the Datsun. The ripped leather seats were smoking. Castlederg is still the hottest. Fact.”
Meanwhile, Kerry County Board have tabled a motion not to allow Tyrone supporters cheer over 10 decibels this weekend due to the levels of the virus in Mid-Ulster at present. Tyrone fans are to practice cheering ‘no louder than the sound of a leaf falling’ confirmed GAA HQ today.
Jesus ‘Probably Would Have Hated Derry’ Declares Controversial Kildress Priest
A north Tyrone priest, who was threatened with a defrocking in 1993 after denouncing Derry’s All Ireland title as ‘the work of the devil’, has incurred the wrath of the Vatican again after declaring that Jesus Christ probably would have hated Derry as he was allergic to oak and allegedly had a run-in with a member of the Doherty clan who refused to pay for work done, during his time as a carpenter near Galilee.
Fr Teague, a 69-year-old ex-doorman, joined the priesthood in his 30s after becoming disillusioned with the slagging he was getting at the door of the Pink Pussycat nite club in Cookstown, especially from lads from Magherafelt.
During his homily last weekend which was streamed online, he stated:
“I’m nearly sure Jesus the Lord himself would have detested Derry and Derry GAA especially. He had a horrible experience from Derry ones when he was earning a living. He put down floorboards in a house in Galilee. A Derry family had moved there because it sounded like Galliagh in Derry city. They never paid him. Pure Derry behaviour that.”
The Vatican has given Fr Teague a final warning and have told him to stop using Christianity to get at Derry.
In other news, Bonnie Tyler has bought a house in Brocagh as a second home. She has asked for privacy and will shoot anyone selling tickets.
Arlene In Leadership Bother After Scoring A Fine Point During Kickabout With Michelle
Leaked BBC footage of the Foster/O’Neill kickabout at a girls’ soccer training session in Cookstown last week has earned her a spot of bother after it showed her soloing the ball before knocking it over the bar and announcing ‘take your points and the goals will come, eh O’Neill?’.
DUP members are said to be livid after an insider leaked the full footage which wasn’t shown on their news bulletins. The video also picked up Foster commenting that ‘Ricey could be doing with me the year’, an obvious reference to her beloved Fermanagh GAA manager Ryan Ricey McMenamin.
An anonymous moustached DUP member from Belfast fumed:
“Listen I’ve done some silly things in my time but even taking off all your clothes and cavorting in a field isn’t on the same scandalous level of thinking you’re the next Peter Canavan and you the DUP leader. Although she took her point well, it’s the next step to a United Ireland. You wouldn’t have caught the Reverend with a size 5 in his hands. She has to go.”
The footage went on to show Foster asking O’Neill to perform the same point-scoring task. O’Neill soloed and hopped the ball once before Foster blindsided her and shouldered her into a nearby ditch, telling her to ‘get up to f**k’.
Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
Parents Told To Wise Up And Stop Celebrating After Return To School Announced
Hundreds of parents across the county have been told to cease festivities after street parties broke out after the news that schoolchildren are to return to class full time from September.
Peter Weir’s announcement on the six o’clock was greeted with several audible ‘yeeeeeeooos’ in various townlands from grown men and women, with a serious lack of social distancing on show as drunken parents performed jigs and reels including The Waves of Tory and The Walls of Limerick.
PSNI rural expert Felicity Campbell warned parents:
“Wise up. For parents to be carrying on like that in broad daylight, drinking prosecco and their sad children looking out through their windows is disgraceful. Cookstown seemed to be the worst with the world’s longest conga line up the main street. We had to baton a crowd of delirious parents in Newmills.
With most children not having seen the inside of a classroom since March, many mothers have expressed delight at not having to wash the walls etc before teacher/class Zoom calls with this news.
Meanwhile, teaching unions have reminded parents that their annual gifts from graduating students in June can still be backdated when they return to work.
Vending Machines For Check Shirts Open In Cookstown To Speed Up Lost Courting Time
Three strategically placed vending machines have gone live this morning in Cookstown for young men in need of an emergency check shirt before heading to one of the dances in the town whenever they reopen.
Scientists have worked out that over five months of unplanned courtships between mostly mid to east Tyrone men and women in the 18-25 age group have been lost due to the pandemic lock-down, resulting in the probable loss of over 200 future marriages.
The check shirt vending machines offer a range of colours from red checked, blue checked and a third multi-coloured check shirt, all costing £10 un-ironed or £15 ironed.
Cookstown hotelier Leon Kennedy maintains this has been a genius idea:
“The amount of times I was caught out in the 80s wearing a plain t-shirt thinking I wasn’t going to pull and then tacked a blade from Galbally but lost her due to a lack of checked shirt. This is a game-changer for lads out of practice in recent months.”
Meanwhile GAA supporters have been asked not to turn up to matches this weekend due to Covid19 health and safety concerns but have also been told that if they do turn up anyway they will still have to pay in.
Tyrone Tribulations 