Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
Sinister Trick Or Treat Children Demanding Double Amount of Sweets From Pensioners After Last Year’s Covid Washout
Graffiti daubed on various walls across the county have chillingly warned many pensioners in the county that their gates and gnomes will be stolen if they don’t make up for last year’s no-show due to the ongoing Covid restrictions at the time.
A wall in Moortown was demolished by authorities after a message, claiming punishment beatings would be carried out if the elderly didn’t dish out at least 10 Double Lollies per child, could not be erased due to it having been written in a permanent marker stolen from the local school.
One 85-year old man from Lissan, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:
“I urge all fellow pensioners to stock up for this one day. Three years ago I gave a lad two Chewits and he told me to go f**k myself and pished over my apple tree. And that was in normal times.”
When asked for a statement, a spokesperson for Tyrone Children has refused to calm fears, instead adding fuel to the flames by stating ‘we let you off last year. This year, fill our plastic bags or say goodbye to your water features. And we’re not dressing up either.’
Meanwhile, weather is to remain mild tomorrow.
Chilling Halloween Message Sprayed On Gable Wall In Brocagh By Youths
Home owners in East Tyrone are said to be considering their options after a chilling message was sprayed on a house in Brocagh last night.
Up to 40 youths were reportedly witnessed hanging around the wall all day yesterday dressed up in early Halloween costumes. It appears that they intend on launching a 48-hour door to door trick or treat extravaganza and have warned adults not to even consider giving them fruit as a reward for knocking their door, or they will have their ‘bollix kicked in’.
Peader Quinn (49), who owns the house which was spray-painted on, is under no illusion as to why he was targeted:
“Last year I completely forgot to get sweets. Luckily I’d over a dozen bananas and rationed them out amongst trick or treaters. The next morning my garden was covered in banana peels. It was an obvious message.”
Quinn has advised locals to stay strong and not to give in to the demands of the community’s children.
“What next? Telling parents what they want for Christmas up to £1000? This is the thin end of the wedge.”
Quinn went on to blame Conor McGregor and the GAA for the threat.
Although police are unable to patrol the area, or want to, they have asked anyone getting a kicking to phone their helpline.
Cheating Grandmother Destroys Hallowe’en Party Games
The family of a 71-year old grandmother confirmed she’ll never be invited to their Hallowe’en party again after a series of calculated moves to win every party game including putting a magnet in her mouth as well as slobbering into the apple-bobbing bowl.
Margaret O’Flynn, who has over 50 grandchildren, was caught cheating red-handed when she accidentally coughed up a magnet after winning the ‘guess the apple pie slice with 20p in it’ game EIGHT times in succession. Her daughter, Linda (44), added:
“She was sniffing every slice really up close but we just thought she had some kind of elderly 6th sense. Little did we know she had a horseshoe magnet in her mouth and it was moving any time she hovered over the 20p. My children were fairly pissed off after her 5th win in a row.”
Mrs O’Flynn proceeded to ruin the apple-bobbing game by demanding to go first and then coughing, spluttering and retching into the bowl, causing children to opt out of the game every time a new bowl was set up.
“Not only that, but she had her dentures re-set earlier that day so that her mouth opened twice as wide as a normal person’s mouth. There were times she was able to fit THREE apples in it at the one time. No one stood a chance!”
O’Flynn is not a stranger to ruining children’s parties. In 1998 she exposed Santa Claus as her second cousin during his stint at the local Fintona Youth Club by yanking his beard off him as he arrived on stage and calling him a ‘miserable tramp‘, referring to a long-standing family feud over access to a field.
Newmills Mechanic Nearly The Dearest In Europe
It has been revealed in recent EU cost comparison analysis that a mechanic inNewmills has the second most expensive per hourly rate in Europe, coming behind only a Ferrari garage in Rome.
“Luck-see, there’s a rake of reasons why we need till charge like we do. First you have the dippers about this time of year. They love a bit of overtime in the long evenings. Sure ’cause of the manoeuvres taken to avoid the dippers, we see all sorts through the gates here; new gear boxes, new engines, not to mention fuel filters! That wee Lithuanian lad has been changing one an hour this last week- haven’t ye Dmitri?.”
“Yous boys come here talking about me being dear an all that – sure you just have till look at the bonfires, and the tyres that get used up there, hi. Sure coming up to the twelfth and between now and Halloween you couldn’t keep a tyre about the place for love nor… well, just for love.”
Tyrone Tourism Board Accused Of Outrageous Deceit Over Beheaded Icon
The newly formed Tyrone Tourism Board have come under serious fire after it emerged they hoodwinked the entire country into visiting two memorials for Omagh medical guru, and inventor of the hypodermic syringe, Peader Hughes who they seem to claim was beheaded twice.
Hughes, who was beheaded by the Queen of England in 1710, is said to have stumbled across the syringe idea after messing about with voodoo amongst the picturesque ramparts near his home in what is now Omagh town centre. The 27 year old was beheaded and impaled on a spike in Omagh for inventing the syringe three years before the English were due to invent it.
Last year, the Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) put his preserved head on display inside Omagh Library near the history section and subsequently put another of his heads on display, supposedly when he was 14, outside Strabane Town Hall in April of this year.
Local historian Danny O’Donnell was first to question the displays:
“I knew something wasn’t right but couldn’t put my finger on it. I’d visited both sites numerous times over the last two months and it just wasn’t sitting comfortably for me. Then it dawned on my wife, how the hell could you have beheaded a person twice, once at 14 and again at 27? It’s a money making racket and at £12.99 a visit, they made their money alright. The queues for the 14-year-old head was about half a mile long.”
TTB chairman Kieran Nelis admits they didn’t purposely attempt to deceive the public and vowed to removed the fake head as soon as they can get a van to take it away:
“I want to assure the public that this was not an attempt to make money from people. Someone approached us months ago and said he had the head of Peader Hughes when he was 14, who was beheaded Red Hugh O’Donnell from Dunfanghy for stealing cattle from his land. It was a perfect likening for the head of Peader when he was 27 so you can understand our error. We now realise it was an impossible scenario and will refund any punters who visited the younger head if they can provide a receipt.”
PSNI investigations into the younger head are pointing in the direction of a fancy dress shop in Belfast who make false heads for Halloween.
Brocagh Witch Laments Worst Halloween Ever
A witch from somewhere on the Ballybeg Road has pleaded with local children to up their game next year after what she claimed was ‘the worst night’s craic in decades’ around Brocagh.
The 300-year old hag, nicknamed Brocagh Biddy, blames computer games for the lack of devilment in today’s youngsters:
“That was cat. The young’uns now just dress up, ring about two doorbells and then head on home to get wired into their ipads or xboxs. Oh for the great Halloween nights of the 60s and 70s when lads would terrorise the elderly by knocking their windows or throw eggs at police cars. I remember watching a group of boys in 1981 chasing the local primary headmaster with a chainsaw through fields. How I laughed. And sure it was all a bit of fun and the master would forget about it after dishing out 6 of the best and 1000 lines on the Monday.”
The Brocagh Biddy also feels her days are numbered as she only managed to scare one victim yesterday:
“Yes, that is true. There’d be a lot of wemen down here who look a bit like me now, so no one bats an eyelid. I did manage to scare one fella outside Vivo and he dropped his eggs but I overhead him saying he thought it was his ex-wife back looking for more money. Not quite the same pleasure for me. It seems that a woman on a broom, cackling like a maniac and holding a cat, is just your run-of-the-mill Brocagh blade these days.”
Biddy confirmed that she might relocate to Ardboe were badness is alive and well on the Loughshore. A whole herd of cattle had lipstick painted on overnight whilst all the windows were removed from the Battery Bar.
Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.
Eglish Husband’s Halloween Jokes ‘A Bridge Too Far’, Wife Tells Friends
A husband’s annual Halloween joke of telling his wife, ‘I see you’ve put your mask on early this year!’ backfired yesterday lunchtime when he found himself with a bowl of strawberry-flavoured Angel Delight poured over his head.
Long-suffering wife 52-year old Patricia Faloon said that she had simply had enough of husband John Joe’s barbed Halloween jokes over the course of their 32-year marriage.
“Every year it’s the same buckin’ jokes. I’m fed up with it. Something just snapped and the Angel Delight went over his thick head. He’s lucky he didn’t get the electric whisk shoved into his bake an’ all. He’d have known all about it then”.
Tension had been brewing since the return journey from chapel on Sunday when John Joe saw a black cat crossing the path of the car, at which point he turned to his wife and asked, “Is that yours?” before braying with laughter at his own joke.
Ah come on, it’s just a wee bit of fun”, said a defensive Faloon, a 55-year old wellington washer from Eglish. “Pat’s a right pishmire just now, bless her. She’s a very private person, but I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you she’s going through the change just now and she’s dead touchy all the time. And her piles aren’t helping”.
Other comments usually repeated by Faloon to his wife at this time of year include, “It’s Halloween. Mind no-one pinches yer broomstick”, a comment about apple bobbing, and a risqué joke about a goblin. A grinning Faloon said, “Aw, it’s mighty craic boys. And then after Halloween it’s Christmas, and I can do all my jokes about Santa and balls on the tree and all. But listen though – ‘Is that your cat!’ Class hi!”
“If I hear another broomstick joke he’ll get one shoved up his arse”, said a testy Patricia. “See if he’s laughing then”.
As of 5.30pm this evening, Faloon was contemplating whether or not to make a joke about Pat’s big pumpkins.
Hallowe’en a “Load of Balls” Claims Benburb Butcher
One of Benburb’s most colourful characters, Jessie Jordan, has publicly denounced Hallowe’en as a ‘load of balls’ and has refused to partake in any ghoulish festivities around the spookingly week-long festivities in the sleepy hamlet. Driving along Benburb’s ‘Golden Mile’, Jordan’s Butchers is conspicuous with its lack of frightening decorations which adorn businesses such as Mackle’s Craftware and Mullan’s Alternative Medicine Shop on the same road.
“Let me get this out of the road straight away. If any child even thinks about knocking on my premises on Wednesday they’ll be met with a black pudding to the gob. Trick or treat? The trick will be for the accompanying parents dislodging the lamb chops from their backsides. The treat will be all mine watching their tearful retreat. It’s a pile of dung. I’ve already sabotaged five bonfires around the Moy and Eglish. Apple-bobbing? Think I want to dip my bake in a bowl full of the slabbers and snatters of cousins and the like? I’d rather ate a pig’s arse through an electric fence.”
Jordan’s vehement refusal to celebrate the pagan festival seems to date back to an unfortunate incident in 1977 when his mother baked an apple tart for consumption after the bonfire. His sister, Denise, explained:
“Jessie never really forgave my ma for that. He thought he’d play a practical joke whilst everyone was out dancing around the bonfire, half naked. He snuck in and attempted to ate the apple pie and then blame it on the dog. He didn’t know my ma had put the traditional 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p and 50p inside it. She was a generous woman and usually splattered a rake of each coin amongst it so everyone would win a good bit. Poor Jessie threw the whole thing into his mouth. We found him on the floor spitting the last of his teeth onto the floor. It was a bloody sight. He was called Gummy Jordan for years.”
Benburb holds its breath.