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Omagh Family Cat Returns Home After Two Months Away, Miaowing In French
Spencer, the 7-year-old cat who disappeared from its home on the Kelvin Road in February, has finally returned home ‘as if it had never been away’ according to his owners.
Remarkably, the Peke-faced Persian now miaows in a French accent, sparking rumours that Spencer may have accidentally boarded a plane at Aldergrove or got the ferry across to France.
Tommy Winters, who bought the cat off a man near Bundoran in 2012 for £300, admitted that, although they were delighted to see Spencer again, he had changed somewhat and now spends his time womanising around the estate.
“Because of his French miaow he seems to think he is someone now. And to be fair, the women cats are loving it. He’s just not the same cat though around the house and almost looks at us with disdain, walking around the house in a cool way like John Travolta.”
Winters revealed that Spencer had now acquired a taste for expensive cheese and steak tartare with onions.
Meanwhile the PSNI in Omagh have appealed again for local men to think twice before taking their tops off during this good spell. Seventeen complaints were made to the police yesterday regarding ‘unsightly standing’ at street corners.
Outrage After DUP Member Received Counselling Grants For Stressed-Out Dog
Edward the worried Cocker Spaniel
In the wake of a rash of monetary skulduggery following the DUP about in recent weeks, a fresh revelation has sparked astonishment and anger in equal amounts after it emerged a West Tyrone DUP member claimed over £42’000 in grants for their agitated dog who was suffering from depression after alleged intimidation from a republican dog in the Strabane area.
Billy Carson, who has owned the Jack Russell for two years, maintains it was money well spent after noticing his dog looked permanently worried soon after a Cocker Spaniel from a well known republican family reportedly stalked Carson’s pet for more than a year.
Carson, who refuses to return a penny of the counselling money, revealed:
“I noticed Edward was frowning incessantly one week and it dawned on me that Rebel the republican dog was intimidating it. Anyone who owns a dog knows how stressful that can be. I made use of my
paramilitaryparliamentary privileges and applied for the Pet Intimidation Grant (PIG) which was a legitimate fund a couple of years ago. It doesn’t exist now though but it was definitely available in the small print back then.”
Receipts show that Edward the dog received acupuncture, massages, tablets, couch-therapy, sun-therapy and extra bones, totally £42’033 over the course of two years, all at the tax-payers’ expense.
Despite several counsellors repeatedly informing Carson that the dog was gay and that the lack of other gay dogs in the area was stressing it out, Carson continued to seek therapy for intimidation:
“My dog’s not gay. Who ever heard of a gay dog? And if he is gay he probably caught it off that republican dog.”
Meanwhile, Carson’s cat – Ian – also received counselling totalling £211 in 2011 supposedly for flashbacks from the troubles after it was caught up in a hoax bomb scare outside a barracks in 1987.
Eglish Husband’s Halloween Jokes ‘A Bridge Too Far’, Wife Tells Friends
When are ye puttin yer mask on?
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A husband’s annual Halloween joke of telling his wife, ‘I see you’ve put your mask on early this year!’ backfired yesterday lunchtime when he found himself with a bowl of strawberry-flavoured Angel Delight poured over his head.
Long-suffering wife 52-year old Patricia Faloon said that she had simply had enough of husband John Joe’s barbed Halloween jokes over the course of their 32-year marriage.
“Every year it’s the same buckin’ jokes. I’m fed up with it. Something just snapped and the Angel Delight went over his thick head. He’s lucky he didn’t get the electric whisk shoved into his bake an’ all. He’d have known all about it then”.
Tension had been brewing since the return journey from chapel on Sunday when John Joe saw a black cat crossing the path of the car, at which point he turned to his wife and asked, “Is that yours?” before braying with laughter at his own joke.
Ah come on, it’s just a wee bit of fun”, said a defensive Faloon, a 55-year old wellington washer from Eglish. “Pat’s a right pishmire just now, bless her. She’s a very private person, but I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you she’s going through the change just now and she’s dead touchy all the time. And her piles aren’t helping”.
Other comments usually repeated by Faloon to his wife at this time of year include, “It’s Halloween. Mind no-one pinches yer broomstick”, a comment about apple bobbing, and a risqué joke about a goblin. A grinning Faloon said, “Aw, it’s mighty craic boys. And then after Halloween it’s Christmas, and I can do all my jokes about Santa and balls on the tree and all. But listen though – ‘Is that your cat!’ Class hi!”
“If I hear another broomstick joke he’ll get one shoved up his arse”, said a testy Patricia. “See if he’s laughing then”.
As of 5.30pm this evening, Faloon was contemplating whether or not to make a joke about Pat’s big pumpkins.
Tyrone Tribulations 