Edward the worried Cocker Spaniel

In the wake of a rash of monetary skulduggery following the DUP about in recent weeks, a fresh revelation has sparked astonishment and anger in equal amounts after it emerged a West Tyrone DUP member claimed over £42’000 in grants for their agitated dog who was suffering from depression after alleged intimidation from a republican dog in the Strabane area.

Billy Carson, who has owned the Jack Russell for two years, maintains it was money well spent after noticing his dog looked permanently worried soon after a Cocker Spaniel from a well known republican family reportedly stalked Carson’s pet for more than a year.

Carson, who refuses to return a penny of the counselling money, revealed:

“I noticed Edward was frowning incessantly one week and it dawned on me that Rebel the republican dog was intimidating it. Anyone who owns a dog knows how stressful that can be. I made use of my paramilitary parliamentary privileges and applied for the Pet Intimidation Grant (PIG) which was a legitimate fund a couple of years ago. It doesn’t exist now though but it was definitely available in the small print back then.”

Receipts show that Edward the dog received acupuncture, massages, tablets, couch-therapy, sun-therapy and extra bones, totally £42’033 over the course of two years, all at the tax-payers’ expense.

Despite several counsellors repeatedly informing Carson that the dog was gay and that the lack of other gay dogs in the area was stressing it out, Carson continued to seek therapy for intimidation:

“My dog’s not gay. Who ever heard of a gay dog? And if he is gay he probably caught it off that republican dog.”

Meanwhile, Carson’s cat – Ian – also received counselling totalling £211 in 2011 supposedly for flashbacks from the troubles after it was caught up in a hoax bomb scare outside a barracks in 1987.