Hundreds descend on Dungannon a&e

Officials at the temporary Dungannon Accident and Emergency Unit at the old South Tyrone Hospital have suspended their chief porter after a two-hour porn movie was accidentally shown on their 50-inch widescreen waiting-room TV instead of the usual adverts provided by the National Health Service.

Attempts to turn the channel over proved fruitless as the unit was too high up the wall and the porter in charge was up the town buying batteries for the TV’s remote control. Eventually a patient blanket was thrown over the TV but the loud volume remained, leaving patients in no uncertain terms about what was happening behind the blanket:

Henry McLoughlin, from Derrylaughan, who was in the waiting room after falling off a link box, explained:

“It was embarrassing so it was. These men and women were going at each other buck mad on the TV and everyone was staring at it. There was no where else to look but the television. And it kept going on for hours too. I managed to throw a blanket over the unit but you should still hear the gulders and roars of the man and sometimes the woman.”

After word got out of the x-rated free show, hundreds of men flooded the waiting room with suspect aches and pains from all over the country, with many arriving with beers and popcorn. Several women also arrived complaining of ‘hot flushes’.

Fr Paul Devine, who was waiting on being attended after dropping a chalice on his foot, was glad when the porter returned:

“Two hours of it we had to listen to. Worst of all I think I recognised a couple of the actors in it from confessions. And there was definitely an Omagh accent when the man shouted ‘gwan ye blade ye‘ but the blanket was over it at the time. I considered a decade of the rosary during it but no one else appeared interested. In fact, some of the female patients were yahooing and cheering.”

The porter apologised profusely for the embarrassment and promised to bring in the correct memory stick in future if he gets his job back.