Category Archives: Moy
Boiler Servicer Wrecks Boiler After Being Asked If He Took Card
An East Tyrone boiler servicer has promised to wreck more boilers if people continue to attempt to pay by card instead of cash, after losing it at the weekend, having been asked if he had a ‘card machine’ and if he did ‘contactless’.
Martin Neil, who has been servicing boilers since the 80s without headgear, took a sledgehammer to a boiler he had spent three hours fixing outside The Moy, after the owner asked him if he did contactless as the local ATM machine had been removed by a local gang the previous weekend.
Neil’s rage didn’t abate until after he set the boiler alight with his cigarette, creating an explosion heard as far away as Eglish. He is adamant that it won’t be the last time:
“That bollocks knew a week ago I was arriving and said nothing til it was over. I just saw red when he was waving his Santander card in my face and asking for the contactless machine from my van. I probably should not have set it alight, as wrecking it with the sledgehammer was enough in hindsight. To be fair, the man ran off and got the money from a neighbour. I’d do it again though. Cash only.”
The boiler owner had since replaced the boiler but will not press charges as Neil also does a bit of building and plastering which is needed, as the exploding boiler ripped the kitchen wall open.
Furniture Stores On High Alert After Sinn Fein Take Seats All Over The County
Over a dozen furniture stores in the county are barricading their premises at night after news reports indicated that Sinn Fein councillors have been lifting seats from all over the county in the past week.
A well known furniture store in The Moy have employed extra security staff to keep an eye out for the seat-stealers, who have also carried out daring raids in Lisburn and Ballymena.
Furniture entrpreprenuer Paddy Campbell from Cappagh warned:
“These Sinn Fein ones are ruthless. They stole 21 seats up in Omagh there. That’s like three tables at a wedding. I haven’t time to be making more seats only for the Shinners to nab them under the cover of darkness. I have three rottweilers though and I’ve trained them to attack anyone eyeing up seats around Cappagh.”
Sinn Fein lifted 144 seats in the last week, sparking speculation that they might be planning on a big sit-down celebration soon or an AGM or something.
Meanwhile, the SDLP have accused Sinn Fein of stealing their 20 missing seats whilst they were at their spring conference in Magherafelt in March. Senior figures in the SDLP were spotted looking for the seats yesterday but have given up hope of finding them.
They have challenged Sinn Fein to a game of Musical Chairs in Derry next week.
Harry Windsor Claims Gough Should Have Sent Off More Tyrone Men v Armagh
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.
Anglo-Celt Cup Delighted At Polite Treatment In New Home In Derry
The Anglo-Celt cup has heaped praise on its new home after being showered with compliments since its arrival last night. The trophy, which has resided in neighbouring counties in recent years, has been amazed at the respect shown towards it, with almost everyone calling it ‘Sir’.
“I can’t get over how nice these Derry ones are. It’s ‘sir’ this and ‘sir’ that. I was in Slaughtneil last night and even when they were filling me full of Harp they were still saying things like ‘bate in into ye, Sir’ or ‘jaysus that tasted good, Sir.’ And the funny thing is, I’ve never been knighted and never would be.”
The Anglo-Celt has been penciled in for a trip to Ballinderry, with Derry officials running a military-like operation to keep it away from the Tyrone ones after what happened to it in the Moy last year. The trophy refused to be drawn on what happened that night last July but claimed it was worse than the time the Donegal ones kicked the lining out of it, up and road the main road in Bundoran.
Derry officials will end a whirlwind tour of the county by bringing it to Barry’s in Portrush which isn’t in Derry, but the slot machines in Portstewart aren’t as good.
We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.Â
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.”             K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.”         O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there”   M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Man Who Was Fined For Being On Phone Whilst Riding Donkey Maintains He Was Passenger. Donkey MOTs Delayed.
A Benburb farmer has appealed his £30 fine for riding a donkey while phoning his girlfriend on a backroad near the Moy after he claimed that he was not in charge of the beast but simply a passenger.Â
George Wallace (33) admitted he was on his phone to his girlfriend whilst sitting on the donkey’s back on his way to an illegal greyhound meeting when he was caught by three PSNI officers who were also on their way to the meeting.
However, Wallace argued that he did not set out on the journey with the donkey and only just embarked it halfway up the road, as you would a taxi.
There’s no way I was in control of that donkey. I just pointed it in the way of the Moy and sat back and relaxed. And I phoned the woman to remind her to turn the immersion off. I’ve never heard of a taxi passenger getting done for being on a phone.”
Meanwhile, donkey MOTs are to begin in March 2020 after the lifts which raises donkeys up were found to be suitable for left-handed donkeys only.
Three donkeys were turned away from the Cookstown MOT depot yesterday on a trial run for dunging in the centre.
‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ DUP Board Game To Be Released For Christmas
The BBC has revealed that they’re in early talks to produce a new TV quiz show based on the upcoming ‘How Far Can You Go Before Resigning?’ board game, depending on how many sales it manages this winter.
The board game, which closely resembles Monopoly with party members accumulating more houses the longer they remain a DUP MLA or MEP despite serious indiscretions, will offers players countless scenarios where they have to decide if it’s a resignation-worthy incident or not.
The fictitious politicians’ misdemeanours include:
- Stealing ice-cream off children in Portrush
- Caught on camera clapping at election posters burning on bonfires
- Running naked through a field in Magherafelt
- Letting their dog defecate in Ormeau Park and smirking at it
- Pretending to work
- Letting down the tyres of the Tyrone team bus before a big game
- Giving the fingers to voters and laughing after being elected
The board game developers have admitted they’ve yet to invent a scenario which could result in a DUP resignation but revealed they are working on it. Two possible scenarios being considered are being caught playing on swings on a Sunday in a play-park in Larne, and privately admitting to another member that the RHI thing was a bit dodgy.
Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey
Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.
The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.
Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.
Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:
“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”
Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.
Sean Cavanagh To Sue New ‘Solo Dummy’ Baby Pacifier Company For Copyright
A friend close to the Cavanagh family has revealed that former Player of the Year Sean Cavanagh is confident of winning his case against the Chinese baby pacifier company Magayama after they rolled out their ‘Solo Dummy’ product this week.
The Solo Dummy, which attaches to a baby’s palm so that they can pacify themselves all night without parental involvement, is predicted to revolutionise the use of dummies across the world after it sold over 90 million units in China alone last week.
Cavanagh’s lawyer, Brian Mellon, admitted that even he thought it was a blatant rip-off of the Cavanagh’s famed dummy he performed over 3000 times throughout his career, once leaving Monaghan’s Dick Clerkin confused and dazed for THREE weeks in 2008:
“The Chinese cuteness doesn’t fool me. I know for a fact that the Tyrone 2003-2008 side was massive in China. They’d know all about Sean and his solo dummy. Sure isn’t there a module taught about Ryan McMenamin in art class over there and Brian Dooher Day is the 1st June when the Chinese run like mad all over the place.”
Mellon also revealed that Darren McCurry is keeping a close eye on a new curry burger McDonald’s are bringing out and that if it was called the McCurry Burger he’d sue them all the way back to America.
Moy/Dromore Division One Game To Go Ahead Despite Royal Baby Birth
After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
Glory Hunting Prince Harry To Marry One Of The Mackles From The Moy
Horrible Photoshop Effort of Harry
Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions.Â
Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.
Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:
“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “
Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.
Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.
Tensions Surface Again In Cavanagh House After All-Star Colm Gets Extra Spud For Sunday Dinner
Locals in the sleepy hamlet/village of Moy were said to be ‘walking on eggshells’ today after a Cavanagh Sunday dinner turned soured when Sean reacted badly to his brother Colm getting an extra spud for the first time since 2002.
Colm, who won Tyrone’s only All-Star at the weekend after another clinking year in the county jersey, was also seated at the head of the table, with Sean placed four seats down on one of the rickety chairs beside the radiator.
A neighbour said he knew things might cut up rough after Sean parked in Colm’s normal spot when arriving a full hour before the dinner commenced:
“You could feel the tension all day around that house. I knew it had exploded when I saw Sean on the lawn shouting something like ‘think you’re all it, don’t you?’ through the window of the main living room. I think Sean had been sent out to calm down by the wife.”
Another onlooker claimed that Sean was seen rummaging through his car boot to fetch his Player of the Year award from 2008.
“But Colm just stood at the house door smirking and playing an imaginary fiddle.”
The village has declared an ‘amber warning’ for tomorrow as the brothers tog out for training in preparation for their upcoming Intermediate semi-final.
Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently
Moy, Co Armagh
Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.
Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.
Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:
“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”
Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.
Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.
Top 3 Sean Cavanagh Moments
Dublin man tries to sniff Sean
As the legendary Sean Cavanagh brings the curtain down on his illustrious county career, we take a look at some of his lesser known greatest hits:
- SHOULDER CHARGE ON FRANCIE BELLEW
Back in 2005, Tyrone and Armagh were in the midst of healthy pure hatred. Armagh were our North Korea and Francie Bellew was Kim Jong-un. In the third and most crucial game that season between the two, Francie was running about hitting boys with his knee, elbows and stuff, like normal. Sean finally decided that enough was enough that day and met Francie with a shoulder which reverberated around the stadium and whose shockwaves incidentally wrecked part of the new Cusack Stand. Bellew’s bones were still rattling as he took his seat to watch the All-Ireland final a few weeks later. After Geezer was inexplicably shown the line by his manager, a rapturous cheer erupted through Croker as the big man leapt like a Torrent trout over Coalisland to field a kickout and stride the rest of the pitch to chip over a fine coffin-nail score.
2. SHIMMY SENDS DICK CLERKIN INTO A SPIN
Two years later and Tyrone were playing Monaghan in Clones. Dick Clerkin never liked Tyrone. Some say it was because a boy from Trillick wiped his eye with a girl from Clontribret at the Gaeltacht when they were 16. I dunno. But Sean knew Dick hated us as Dick would mutter stuff like ‘red handed hoors’ during the parade. So Sean pulled his Category A shimmy, usually reserved for special occasions, and sent Dick into a spin like never before. Dick continued to spin for the rest of the game and into the changing rooms and onto the bus. At the post match meal he was still spinning and completely messed up his shirt with a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Dick still hates Tyrone. The First Glorious Shimmy some say was taught to Cavanagh by an Edendork lad slipping on black ice getting on the bus at The Academy in Dungannon, before Seán’s Armagh days. Sean first displayed this “Geezer Teaser” in his debut in 2002. It’s said three different men from Crossmaglen were left (and still are to this day) – cross-eyed at the wondrous side step and following point. There’s talk that his shimmy is to be retired in the Croke Park Museum but must be looked at through sunglasses for fear of becoming another Dick or a pile of Dicks if looked at collectively.
3. TURNING DOWN L’OREAL CONTRACT
Whilst a lot of GAA players are lured away from these shores by the promise of a career in Aussie Rules, Sean Cavanagh stayed true to his county and refused repeated attempts by L’Oreal to be their face of L’Oreal Paris Shampoo and Conditioner. Sean’s hair has been much admired by the general public since he made his senior breakthrough in 2002. Despite the holy trinity ravages of Age, Clerkin and Bellew, the Moy man has managed to maintain his untainted barnet in perfect condition much the annoyance of the McCann brothers who have tried to mimic his magnificence unsuccessfully. L’Oreal finally stopped harassing Cavanagh in 2014 when he was caught buying a can of Just For Men in Killyman although he claimed it was for Philly Jordan.
Dubs Sceptical As Third Cavanagh Brother Brought Into Tyrone Squad
Anthony Cavanagh
The Dublin management team are to approach the GAA’s Central Competitions Control Committee (CCCC) to initiate a quick DNA test after Mickey Harte unveiled a previously unknown Cavanagh brother to the public this morning, stating he’s to play alongside Mark Bradley in the forward line against the All Ireland Champions on Sunday.Â
Anthony Cavanagh, who claims to have spent the last few years in England ‘slapping lads and stuff’, togged out for the Moy last week, scoring 1-2 in the first 20 minutes before being sent off for violent conduct. Insiders claim he has formed a sparkling partnership with the diminutive Mark Bradley on and off the field, with pictures emerging of them frolicking in a field in Killyclogher with Cavanagh giving Mark piggy-backs.
Moy GFC board member Jacques Mackle explained his qualities:
“People think Sean and Colm are the footballers in the family but this lad is a real humdinger. He has Sean’s stride and Colm’s fielding. He also has a shimmy of his own but unfortunately it usually sees him red carded as it involves his fists. But against the Dubs that might be a good thing. We’ll see. He’s our secret weapon.”
It is believed that the Dublin managerial team are not buying it and have asked for a DNA test, possibly by Thursday before the teams are announced. Mackle has refuted the Dublin claims of skullduggery, adding
“Sure he has that oul Cavanagh head on him. And he hates Eglish. You say you’re from Eglish and he’ll take your head off, literally. Gavin Devlin has convinced him Jonny Cooper has an Eglish grandfather.”
Meanwhile, Diarmuid Connolly has been released.
Polygraph Van To Determine True Mickey Harte Loyalists In Tyrone
By Lee Turavod.
PSNI Communications Director Eamonn Lowe today unveiled a PSNI scheme to tackle the bickering, in-fighting, back-stabbing and outright violence that is currently tearing the county apart.
Tens of thousands of Tyrone fans are now returning to the fold having spent most of the current decade’s “wilderness years” relentlessly deriding the team’s style of play and arguing with family members, work colleagues and “anyone who cares to listen” for up to 16 hours a day that it’s time for Mickey to go.
Tyrone’s success in the last two years has prompted a dramatic u-turn by many of these fans but this is actually the root of a massive spike in incidents ranging from fairly run of the mill drunken punch-ups to full-scale pitched battles between the two categories of Tyrone fans.
According to Eamonn Lowe, the perceived hypocrisy on the part of the previously disillusioned Mickey-baiters is just too much for the Mickey-loyalists to bear.
Eamonn Lowe and his crack team of PSNI boffins have seemingly conjured up the solution. A special PSNI unit will tour the county in the next few weeks in a brand new Polygraphmobile offering a free lie detector test to anyone wishing to categorically prove that they remained 100 percent loyal to Mickey Harte during the long, lean and often bitterness drenched years since 2008.
This will then allow married couples, families, workforces to finally bury the hatchet, as those supporters who achieve 98 % or above in the 100 question test will then be given special status and responsibilities. These men, women and children will have their foreheads tattooed with a specially designed effigy of Mickey Harte’s face and will go out into their communities to absolve non-believers/ traitors of the guilt and shame they’re carrying.
PSNI psychologists pinpoint the “terrible burden” of these treacherous feelings as being the root cause of the anger and violence that currently erupts whenever the topic of the Tyrone county team is mentioned. The PSNI hope this new scheme will allow the whole county to once again unite behind Tyrone and Mickey Harte in time for the Croker semi-final at the end of August.
When pressed on how this new scheme will impact on the ultra hardliners who no longer even acknowledge that Tyrone ever won Sam and appear to believe that Tyrone actually lost to Donegal in their Ulster Semi-Final clash in Clones four weeks ago, Eamonn declared:
“There are some people on the extremes of society who we simply cannot reach…these people need to take a long hard look at themeselves…that is not our job.”
The Poygraphmobile will begin criss-crossing Tyrone from tomorrow. It begins in Moy before finishing up in Castlederg on the 32nd.
Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game
McCurry lines up a free kick
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Renewable Heat Incentive Scheme Debacle Explains All-Year-Round Farmer Tan And Giant Tomatoes
Man-made Strabane tan
The controversy around the Renewable Heat Incentive scheme, an attempt by the Northern Ireland Executive to help to increase consumption of heat from renewable sources, has taken a further twist this morning after a whistleblower from Strabane produced more damning evidence of its misuse.
Leaked photos confirm that farmers from all over the county have been visiting a shed in Strabane which has been fitted out with 50 hi-tech sunbeds, fired by burning millions of wood pellets being sold on the black market by a strawberry farmer in Eglish.
The anonymous source, who was a long-term user of the sunbeds until a bad burning when he fell asleep in one, revealed the extent of the racket:
“Why did you think farmers had a deadly tan in winter? We all use the ‘Strabane Shed’ as it’s known in farming circles, some times three days a week, free of charge. Yer man is making millions whilst sporting a glowing tan all year around and the women hanging off him in he town. But it has to stop. The Health and Safety Policy is non-existent.”
Additionally, the puzzle of the prevelance of giant tomatoes across the county this year has finally been solved as other whistleblowers explained how sheds were also using the RHI scheme to create enormous fruit and vegetables. One such tomato was shared over 4 million times on social media after it was purchased on the side of a road near the M1. The picture showed that the tomato was bigger than the car wheel of a Seat Ibiza.
An SDLP councillor in Clady, PQ Guiney, warned:
“What don’t we know? I’ve heard stories that these sheds, with the heat powered by burning wooden pallets from the Moy, were being used to make really big sheep…you’d have to wonder why.”
Arlene Foster has yet to comment on this new evidence.
New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’
A new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.
After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.
In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:
NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!
- ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
- EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
- OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
- DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
- CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
- TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
- DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!
NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!
- JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
- SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
- DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
- 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
- MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!
NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!
- CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
- MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
- UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
- REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
- SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.
NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!
- JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
- MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
- TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
- MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
- and much, much more
Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99
Colm Cavanagh ‘Distraught’ At Brother Sean’s Decision
Colm Cavanagh, arguably Tyrone’s most influential player in recent years, was said to be ‘on the rip big time‘ for a second day around the Moy after his illustrious brother announced he’ll be playing for another year for the county team.Â
Close friends have rallied around the younger brother who expected to be named Tyrone senior captain next year in Sean’s permanent absence. Family members also confirmed that Sean even handed over the captain’s armband to an elated Colm during a family dinner last week in Dungannon.
Best friend and fellow club man Pat Mackle revealed:
“Colm’s ripping. He was sure he’d have a rattle at the captaincy next year. Sure Sean’s only doing this cos he hates the accountancy and likes getting away an hour early for training and missing the odd Monday. And then there’s the team holiday. Sean’s always nabbing the free shampoo and stuff. Colm’s on some bender now.”
Rumours are also circulating that Peter Canavan bet Sean £1000 years ago that he’d never be a senior All-Ireland winning captain and Sean is reluctant to hand over the grand.
Mackle added:
“Colm also said that Sean wants to have even another card introduced into the game in his name – the Blue Card – for complaining to the ref too much, just to annoy Joe Brolly. It’s about time Sean thought about his younger brother for once. Colm has been catching balls out of the sky like a big high-fielding salmon for 24 months now. He’s the main man.”
Locals explained how Sean attempted to placate his brother last night outside the off-licence by offering him leggings from Begley’s shop, a replica All-Star and a match programme from the 2003 All-Ireland final. Colm, reportedly, shook his head and walked off towards Tomneys.
Family members are also now concerned about the proposed brass statue unveiling of the legendary Sean in the middle of the hamlet next month. Colm was due to pull off the cover.
Tyrone Tribulations 