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Brave ‘I Don’t Like GAA That Much’ Man From Carrickmore Speaks Out

Ardboe man admits he doesn't know who Frank McGuigan is

Ardboe man admits he doesn’t know who Frank McGuigan is

More men and women who aren’t that fond of sport and GAA in particular in Tyrone have been urged to speak out after a non-sporting anonymous clinic in Portrush revealed over half their members were from rural parts of the county.

One particular member, who has spent 44 years in Carrickmore listening to talk about Tyrone GAA and pretending to like it, wants more people like him to come forward and show the courage needed to talk freely about fashion, reality tv and world issues.

Patsy Gormley, whose father played for the club like his grandfather before that, revealed the extent of the continuous misery he has endured over the years:

“People don’t know how tough it’s been. I’ve no interest in it atall but if you admitted that, you’d be admitted yourself to a psychiatric ward. I’m sure people were suspicious of me because I’d be joining in and mixing up my Canavans, Cavlans, Cavanaghs and all. Last week I said to a boy at a wake that it was great that Canacavalagh was playing for another year. The place went quiet and I pretended to vomit.”

The clinic in Portrush, SID (Sport Is Dung), allows non-sporting Tyronians from traditional GAA heartlands to get together and share their experiences within the blanket of anonimity.

Gormley vowed to hold his head high in his community this week and engage in conversations about ISIS, the X-Factor or global warming with anyone willing to listen and will refuse to attend Carrickmore games from now onwards.

“They’re shite anyway. Sure Conor Gorbley is near 40.”

Membership of SID is free and meetings are held outside Barrys on Thursdays at 10pm. No football tops or hoodies.

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Another Blow For BBC NI After Retirement Of Man Who Makes Motorbike Noises For NW200 Coverage

best-voice-over-agency

Vroom, vroom, vrrrrooom

BBC NI are said to be ‘in a state of panic’ after it emerged that the man who makes motorbike sounds for TV coverage when the biking season is at its peak has retired today, leaving the station without a recognised motorbike voice-over.

Mike ‘Vroom Vroom’ Morgan from Cookstown, who has been making bike sounds since 1969, was said to be struggling with the lower-pitched 1000cc engine noises in recent years and producers had voiced fears that he wasn’t changing gears with the extreme precision like when he sounded for the smaller, higher-pitched 125cc races before 2010.

However, his retirement leaves the BBC in a pickle with the North West 200 on the horizon. A BBC insider told us:

“This has knocked us for six. What a lot of people don’t know is that the braaaaaap braaap braap that you hear on the TV isn’t the real noise of a motorbike. That’s Mike Morgan in a studio in Portrush. The real noise of a bike is kahoo-kahoo-kahoo-kaWOOahuhukaWrrrrrooyooyooha-kahoo-kahoo and it doesn’t come across that well on the screen.”

Morgan, who also made galloping noises for the BBC’s coverage for the Grand National from 1967-1999 before he was sacked for a fit of coughing as the leaders went over Beecher’s Brook, has promised to whistle-blow on a few other small jobs he does that he was told to remain secret about, including the sound of the clack of the balls during a snooker match and the sound of animals during Countryfile.

“I’m going to blow this establishment wide open. Did you know that some of the matches in the NI soccer league are attended by no one? I’ve been asked to do crowd sounds for the Saturday results show and they use computer generated images of spectators from matches in Sweden and Azerbaijan. There’s a lot you don’t know.”

Morgan’s autobiography ‘Vroom Vroom around Toome’ is out next month.

Tyrone Sportsman Casts Doubt On Sharapova’s Drugs Test

tennis

Drunk Tennis

An experienced Tyrone sportsman, who once ran, swam and cycled 12 miles in one day, maintains a mistake has been made with the Maria Sharapova drugs case. The Russian tennis superstar, 28, tested positive for meldonium, a substance she has been taking since 2006 for health issues.

Tony Cassidy (44) from Donaghmore maintains it’s simply impossible to take drugs and play tennis at any level, never mind competing in majors:

“This just doesn’t add up to me. I tried playing tennis in Portrush after about 9 pints and I missed nearly every ball that came over my side of the net. Any that I did hit went off the rim and straight back into my face. The game was abandoned when I got tangled in the net and had to be cut out by the fire brigade. So how the hell can this girl play world class tennis taking drugs?”

Cassidy, after a lot of technical analysis, believes it’s a ruse to cover up Sharapova’s lack of major titles:

“It’s a farce I think. Sharapova is probably worried she won’t be raking in the sponsorship because of her dearth of big wins so her team have concocted a story that she’s drugged to the eyeballs so wasn’t really fit to play these matches. If I played one of the Williams girls whacked to the eyeballs on dope or something I’d be bate 6-0 6-0 or maybe 6-0 6-1 if it started to wear off towards the end. Sharapova was winning the odd set so I’m not buying it.”

Cassidy wanted to remind sports people that drinking or taking drugs before playing games is not advisable unless you were an interested spectator watching a Cavan or Donegal game.

*Cassidy has since been arrested for swimming in Dungannon Leisure Centre whilst drinking margaritas.

Killyman Man Claims Disneyland Paris ‘The Most Depressing Experience’ Of His Life

Families fight outside Pirates of the Caribbean chips kiosk

Families fight outside Pirates of the Caribbean chips kiosk

A Killyman teacher has urged the French Tourist Board to issue a health warning for any parents hoping to purchase tickets for the entertainment resort in Marne-la-Vallée, just a bit up the road from Paris.

Tony McKenner, a 40-year old father of three, was made to go to the attraction as a birthday surprise for his 6-year old daughter and returned vowing never to set foot in any amusements again, even Portrush.

“It’s the most miserable experience anyone could put themselves through. It was bad enough forking out 75 Euros for three sets of Mickey Mouse ears before we’d time to look around us, but then we queued for an hour to get on a ghost train which drove slowly through a house that wasn’t scary. However, I expected all that.”

McKenner maintains he failed to see anyone smile during the 6-hour ordeal:

“Sisters were kicking brothers. Brothers were whacking sisters. Mothers were pulling the ears off children, some which were not their own. Fathers were staring vacantly into the distance, ignoring the pleas of wives urging them to shout at the children with sore ears. All this was happening in the queue for an ice cream.”

The Killyman educationalist believes the resort’s backroom team Photoshop pictures to convince punters that they had a really good time:

“I came off the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast thinking that was dung. We were then handed the photos and I was grinning from ear to ear. Now I’m starting to believe I actually had a really good time. But I know what I saw and experienced and I’m nearly sure it was horrendous. I definitely remember giving the child in the car in front of me the middle finger for shining his laser gun in my eyes.”

McKenner claims the big parade at the end was a celebration of the fact that the ordeal was at an end and that was why parents and children appeared to be generally in good spirits during it.

“I’d imagine it’s worse than childbirth,”

added McKenner whilst receiving a dirty look from his wife.

MOT Sculduggery As 100% Pass Rate Investigated In Cookstown

Just needed ‘a new tyre and a back wiper’

The chief of NI Vehicle Testing Agency has confirmed they have proof of underhand dealings at Cookstown Vehicle Test Centre after a bogus car wreck they put through was passed with only a couple of minor recommendations suggested.

The undercover operation involved four men pushing and sliding a 1975 blue MG B GT V8 Zeldzame Classic with no tyres, windows, engine, seats and lights up to the test centre in the Tyrone town.

Jack Magee, who has worked for the MOT Agency since 1988, was amazed at what occurred when the green light was indicated, signalling their turn:

“The sparks were flying off the base of the car as it was literally scraping along the ground. The examiner did an emissions text even though the car wasn’t even on due to the absence of an actual engine. He then got me to put on the lights etc, despite the fact that it obviously had no lights. It was astonishing. He even put it on the suspension and break test which caused a major crack right down the middle of the car. She passed, just needing a new tyre and a back wiper the man said with a wink.”

Sceptics have been speculating that the 100% pass rate has given Cookstown a reputation for passing anything shaped like a car, encouraging mass tourism in the town as people travel from as far as Kilkeel and Portrush to get their vehicle passed. Omagh MOT mechanic Larry Taylor is seething at their approach:

“We can’t get anyone to go through our garage at all now. I heard of a boy who welded four sheets of metal together and stuck four bicycle wheels on it and it passed too. Unbelievable, like.”

Tyrone Tribulations received pictures of two cars passed today, below:

broken down carRainham-431x300

Kildress Father Gets Cufflinks Again For Father’s Day. Hits The Drink.

5-funny-gifts-for-groomsmen-cufflinks__fullA Kildress father of 10 has been drinking since 8am this morning after being given another set of cufflinks for Father’s Day by his children. Patsy McClean, a 47 year old oil baron, immediately cracked open a bottle of Pinot Grigio and is reportedly on his third bottle at midday. Before incoherence set in, he told us:

“That’s fourteen sets of buckin cufflinks I own now. FOURTEEN! And do you know what the best of it is, I don’t even own a shirt with sleeves on it. Everyone knows that Kildress men wear short sleeves all year around, apart from that lad who dared to wear a long-sleeved effort in 1988 at the missions. He was burned out of it. Cufflinks for feck sake. What’s wrong with a spanner or sandals? Can these children not buckin think for one day in the year?”

McClean’s wife is denying any knowledge of the purchase but admits she thought they were nice ones with a picture of Padre Pio on one of them and Louis Walsh on the other:

“Ach, Patsy gets easily upset about these things. Like, last Christmas I got him another packet of Portrush Rock as I remember he told me years ago that he liked the look of them. OK, that’s the tenth year running I’ve got him the rock but this year he flipped out and went on a rampage around Kildress kicking hedges and stuff. He’s a wee bit sensitive in his middle age”.

Neighbour Gary Hurson, sporting a flashing pair of shamrock cufflinks, reckons it’s going to cut up rough before the day’s out:

“He’s fairly wolfing down that wine stuff. I can hear him singing The Men Behind The Wire already. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bare-chested, fighting the eldest sons out in the garden. This is gonna be some craic”.

Tyrone Lord Mayor Dermot Donnelly has set up a helpline to council fathers who have been forgotten about by lazy children.

Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

1fdd506af1d416acf6beb29203f1b5a0By Gombeen

Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:

“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”

Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:

“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:

My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of land

Are there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”

The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:

“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”

The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.

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