Monthly Archives: December 2021

Elderly Shoppers Told To Stop Tutting and Shaking Heads At Bottle Bank Users

Coalisland, earlier today

Shops across the county have urged shoppers, particularly the over 65s, to stop making the walk of shame to the bottle bank even worse by tutting at users and saying things like ‘will you look at that?

Footfall at glass recycling outlets at shopping centres has fallen in the last two days despite bins behind houses overflowing with bottles of beer, wine, and Shloer. Already there have been fisticuffs at three venues in east Tyrone between the recyclers and onlookers. One fight in Killyman was sparked when a female shopper shook her head at a woman with over 200 bottles in seven bin-liners, to which the recycler replied, ‘what ye looking at ye tramp?’

Both women, in their 60s, had to be separated by a trolley man.

Major retailers are now contemplating softening the walk of shame by using a brick tunnel with an igloo-style house at the end of it to store the recycling skips.

Meanwhile, an online row over whether it was called St Stephen’s Day or Boxing Day between two MLAs was resolved when one of their batteries ran out.

TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021

  1. McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.


2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.


3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.


4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.


5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.

Boris Just Wanted To Watch The Sunday Game, Claims Aide

As Boris Johnson comes under more pressure following pictures of him eating cheese and drinking Buckfast during the summer, a close aide of the English Prime Minister has jumped to his defence, claiming he just needed his fix of The Sunday Game, which includes watching repeats from previous years.

Johnson, who reportedly based his look on a picture he saw of Plunkett Donaghy in 1984, is an avid GAA fan and subscribes to the Killyclogher GAC lotto on a regular basis.

Jessie Pope explained:

“He kept going on about the final between Kerry and Dublin he’d watched recently on GAA Gold so to shut him up we got the game up on a big screen and gave him a lump of cheese and two large bottles of Buckfast. He lost all awareness of social distancing and all when he saw Michael Darragh MacAuley rampaging down the wing. He loves him.”

Johnson wanted to attend the All Ireland Final this year but opted out of doing so for fear of watching Tyrone win another one. Pope confirmed that Johnson hates the Red Hand County after he was ditched by a girl from Caledon at Glastonbury in 1982 when she said she was going to the bogs but never came back and headed off with a cousin from Magherafelt instead.

Downing Street Party Ruined By Bodhrán Player Anyway, Says Insider

One of the partygoers at the Downing Street party last Christmas has admitted that the party turned sour early on anyway after a bodhrán player broke into a solo version of the Boston Hornpipe.

The illegal party, which threatens to see multiple resignations in the coming days, was said to be going well after Michael Gove gave a rousing rendition of Dirty Old Town and Matt Hancock pelted out Grace to floods of tears.

The bodhrán player, said to have been Jeremy Hunt, misjudged the mood and broke into a solo hornpipe which lasted 6 minutes, by which time several revellers had left and headed to Boris Johnson’s flat for after-drinks.

Our source, who looked like Dominic Raab, added:

“I thought the accordian player was a mood-killer but the bodhrán, frig me, I couldn’t get out quick enough. I’m sure it’s nice sometimes, but not at a secret party.”

Hunt, who picked up a bodhrán at the airport in Dublin in 2017, has yet to be invited to a party since, including a Pogues tribute night in Windsor Castle last month.

Irish Bouncers Asked To ‘Go Nuclear’ On Children Trying To Enter Pantomimes

Bouncers up and down the country are currently being re-trained to brutally deal with persistent children who may attempt to gain entry to pantomimes during the festive season, including smelling young-looking people’s breath for Farley’s Rusks, turfing them into the air, roundhouse kicks and checking for nappies.

Following the news that the Irish Health Minister has recommended that children should not attend their favourite pantos this year, bouncers have been told to ‘full metal jacket’ on any children trying to access theatres, with police on hand to confiscate Haribos and Fruit Shoots as an initial deterrent.

In a trial run near Navan, seven 4 to 6-year-olds were unceremoniously booted out onto the road after trying to gain access dressed as dwarves for the Snow White matinee.

Witness Kathy Hearn explained:

“It was like something out of a horror show. There were children flying through the air like fireworks. To make it worse, the parents were laughing their heads off and giving their own children the fingers as they went on ahead in. It’s a broken society.”

The Goldilocks and the Three Bears panto in Killyman has been rebranded as an adult version and will be played by the Killyman Players with three special guests from a strip joint in London.

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