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TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021

  1. McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.


2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.


3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.


4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.


5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.

Derry To Trial ‘Men Standing On The Crossbar’ Tactic Against Tyrone On Sunday

 

Gaelic-Goal copy

Derry practising for Sunday

Tyrone spies at recent Derry training camps have confirmed that the Derry management are to forge ahead with their new game-plan of having at least three men standing on the crossbar any time Tyrone attack. 

 

In order to curb the recent trend of losing heavily to the Red Hand County, it is believed that the Derry management have trawled the rule books to find a loophole which would give the Oak Leafers an advantage during game-time.

An Edendork spy, who is also posing as a Derry backroom team member, said they especially chose roofers in the squad who have no problems with heights and balancing precariously:

We all know Tyrone don’t do goals, especially with McAliskey injured, so in order to stop them scoring 0-20 against us again, Derry have decided to stick at least three tall men on top of the crossbar, and then have the remaining 12 players in defence. A lot of them Tyrone boys have small legs so we worked out that 79% of their shots just clear the crossbar and no more. It’s genius.”

It is also believe that Mickey Harte has been aware of this tactic to be used against them for some time now and, instead of trying to go for goals which they are not good at, big-biceped players like Mattie Donnelly and Mark Bradley will run towards the posts and shake them when Tyrone attack, especially when Morgan is taking a free kick, in the hope of tumbling the Derry roofers.

Again, we can confirm that there’s no rule against this in the official GAA handbook.

Derry are also rumoured to be showering before the game in order to confuse their Tyrone opponents who have trained recently again Derry teams in order to acclimatise to the stench.

Young Trillick Supporter Said ‘Naw It’s Alright’ After Being Gifted County Medal By Player

Naw, it's alright

Naw, it’s alright

A 12-year old schoolboy, who ran onto the field after Trillick’s County Final win over Killyclogher, told victorious player Mattie Donnelly ‘naw it’s alright’ after Donnelly offered to give him his winner’s medal.

John McCaughey, who claims he only ran on the pitch to get his tissue which blew onto the field of play, was third-man tackled by a gang of linesmen who thought he was probably up to no good.

McCaughey claims he would have told the New Zealand player Sonny Bill Williams, who offered his medal to a fan after the rugby World Cup, the exact same thing:

“I’m being called ungrateful and spoilt but sure what the hell would I want with an oul bit of metal that had nothing to do with me. Sure it’s like someone buying an ice-lolly and handing you the wrapper. It would probably only be worth a fiver on eBay anyway and what would a fiver get you now?”

It was initially reported that Killyclogher’s Mark Bradley, who witnessed the incident, told Donnelly that he’d take the medal if young McCaughey didn’t want it, to which Donnelly replied “you will in your bollocks”. On further investigation this does not appear to be totally true.

Meanwhile, rumours that Trillick are to declare for Fermanagh this week are refusing to go away. The village, which straddles the Tyrone/Fermanagh border, has often been described as a Fermanagh settlement in all but name, with many of the locals displaying Fermanaghesque tendencies such as looking sad and saying ‘as wide as a duck’s arse’ as well as labelling everything a ‘yoke’.

Trillick’s opponents next week, Scotstown, have asked Trillick to decide soon whether they’re from Tyrone or Fermanagh as it changes their game preparations entirely.

Tyrone Players Reading W.B. Yeats Before Sligo Clash For Clues

Yeats - the key to unlocking Sligo?

Yeats – the key to unlocking Sligo?

Mickey Harte, who pioneered bringing on old injured players in the second half as well as maintaining an immaculate semi-shaven demeanour for over a decade, has thought outside the box once more by forcing all squad members to read reams of W.B. Yeats’ poetry to get inside the mind of the average Sligo man and look for possible weaknesses.

County officials have moved to deny that the poetry will be used to sledge the Yeatsmen next weekend by saying it was shite and stuff like that. DJ Cuthbert added:

“Sure everyone knows Yeats was class, apart from the oul womany period he went through writing love words to the Gonne woman but sure every man has his faults.”

Early reports suggest Colm Cavanagh is struggling with Yeats’ mystical period but has taken to “The Lake Isle of Innisfree” with locals overhearing the midfielder rapping some of the lines, particularly:

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

with many feeling this hinted at a personal longing Colm has for returning to a full forward slot or maybe for a house in Benburb.

A Tyrone Tribulations spy who attended tonight’s training session at a secret bunker in Eskra, reported seeing Harte in full headmaster’s gown shouting at Mattie Donnelly who was unable to recite past the third line of Easter 1916 much to the mirth of McCurry and McAliskey.

Our reporter also described how Sean Cavanagh kept shaking his head and looking at his watch.

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