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Tyrone Players Reading W.B. Yeats Before Sligo Clash For Clues

Yeats - the key to unlocking Sligo?

Yeats – the key to unlocking Sligo?

Mickey Harte, who pioneered bringing on old injured players in the second half as well as maintaining an immaculate semi-shaven demeanour for over a decade, has thought outside the box once more by forcing all squad members to read reams of W.B. Yeats’ poetry to get inside the mind of the average Sligo man and look for possible weaknesses.

County officials have moved to deny that the poetry will be used to sledge the Yeatsmen next weekend by saying it was shite and stuff like that. DJ Cuthbert added:

“Sure everyone knows Yeats was class, apart from the oul womany period he went through writing love words to the Gonne woman but sure every man has his faults.”

Early reports suggest Colm Cavanagh is struggling with Yeats’ mystical period but has taken to “The Lake Isle of Innisfree” with locals overhearing the midfielder rapping some of the lines, particularly:

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

with many feeling this hinted at a personal longing Colm has for returning to a full forward slot or maybe for a house in Benburb.

A Tyrone Tribulations spy who attended tonight’s training session at a secret bunker in Eskra, reported seeing Harte in full headmaster’s gown shouting at Mattie Donnelly who was unable to recite past the third line of Easter 1916 much to the mirth of McCurry and McAliskey.

Our reporter also described how Sean Cavanagh kept shaking his head and looking at his watch.

Tyrone Man Makes A Great Point On Spotlight

Grimes, from the TV

Grimes, from the TV

A Beragh man, who cites Seamus Heaney and WB Yeats as major influences on his life, was today getting his back slapped after he made a brilliant point on Spotlight last night on the BBC, using standard English.

Hugh Grimes accidentally found himself in the audience for the politics show by taking a wrong turn before the start of a live recording of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

During a heated discussion on budget cuts and austerity measures between all the main parties, Grimes put his hand up for 15 minutes before Noel Thompson ordered the microphone man to go to ‘the gent in the dungarees’.

After clearing his throat for a few seconds, Grimes commented:

“You boys don’t know yiz are born.”

which received a ripple of applause from three men in the back row.

Grimes arrived home to Beragh at 1am to tumultuous cheering and waving of club flags in a crowd estimated to be over 250. Grimes’ mother, Maura, tearfully told us:

“I knew from the moment he was born that he was destined for great things. When I saw him with his hand up on the show last night I was screaming like mad and I feared the BBC would discriminate against him because he hadn’t really dressed up. But he did brilliant. We understood every word.”

Grimes is reportedly doing a signing of DVD copies of the show in the local Centra all weekend and hopes to take his new-found fame a step further by appearing on the Nolan Show next week and vows to tackle the current homophobia issue with similar insightfulness and clarity.

Ireland Might Be ‘Put Down’ After Gaza Vote Says Tyrone Psychologist

Ireland - a tired old woman?

Ireland – a tired old woman?

Following Ireland’s decision to abstain from a UN Human Rights Council vote on whether to launch a commission of inquiry into Israel’s offensive in Gaza, a Carrickmore medical expert has hinted that Ireland may be in the advance stages of dotage now with eye-sight almost entirely gone and left vulnerable to bullies.

The diagnosis was forwarded by fax to the Head of Medical Practices in Dublin with a recommendation that the nation be ‘put down’ before it comes out with something that’ll embarrass us for centuries, hurting tourism and overseas sales of Tayto and Guinness:

“If Ireland was a dog….well you know the rest,” Dr Henry McCallan informed us by, again, fax. “It’s obvious that its eyesight is so completely banjaxed that it cannot distinguish between extreme violation of human rights from a bit of ‘carry on out there’ as one politician told me yesterday.”

The doctor was also worried about Ireland being taken advantage of by younger and cleverer nations who promise to cure her of all her ails if Sean-Bhean Bhocht plays ball with her:

“Yes, that’s a big worry. Kathleen Ni Houlihan appears to be in a vulnerable state and will jump as high as she’s told. I’m aware of a particular young, devious and powerful predator out west who was been promising her all manner of treasures as long as she toes the line. I think we need to put her out of her misery before we’re stripped of all respectability. She’s undoing all her good work such as The Book of Kells, WB Yeats and Johnny Logan.”

The move to put her to sleep follows other examples of irrational behaviour in recent times such as appointing Roy Keane in a role of responsibility and making a cod out of a C&W singer.

maja1_large

Tyrone Schools Back Controversial Upheaval Of GCSE English Literature Syllabus

Shakespeare - a load of balls?

Shakespeare – a load of balls?

All post-primary schools in Tyrone were united today in their support for the new GSCE English Literature exam which will see traditional texts such as Shakespeare, O’Casey, Hemmingway and WB Yeats replaced with the writings of Ronan McSherry, Alan Rodgers, Kevin Hughes and Catherine Wylie amongst others.

President of the Tyrone Schools United Committee, Master McGrath, explained the reasoning behind their stance:

“To be honest, we’re sick of reading that Romeo prancey nonsense. Who in their right mind talks like that now, apart from a lock of families in Donaghmore? Then you’ve Yeats waffling on about swans or Easter. Give me a critical analysis of the writings of Ronan’s Rant in the Herald any day: “taunting the Man U fans was like poking a rottweiler with a stick” is lyrically magical and far better than anything Wilfred Owen  ever attempted.”

McGrath added that he’s very much looking forward to seeing his students get their teeth into Alan Rodgers’ match reports, Catherine Wylie’s account of the Nigella Lawson case or Sheena McStravick’s take on the botox addiction in Mid-Ulster. He added:

“We need to get people reading for enjoyment. We have a wealth of literary talent in the county, instead of analysing the Macbeth codswallop. Ciaran Woods wrote an article last year on the pain of playing with in-grown toenails and it had me in tears. Such emotion. Our children need to be brought up on this stuff, not the pure balls William Wordsworth was spouting.”

Students will be allowed to choose two of their own modules alongside a compulsory module on Owen Mulligan’s latest book.

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