Following his high-profile departures from various soccer teams as a player or manager, as well as some media outlets, Roy Keane has added the 10am Mass at St Malachy’s in Woodbridge to his quitting list, labelling the Tyrone born priest Fr Quinn ‘a clown’.
Worshippers who sat near Keane during the service claim to have heard him muttering stuff throughout the readings and throw piercing stares at a 13-year old boy who sneezed three times during the Gospel.
Daily mass-goer Harold Burkin, who normally sits behind Keane on a Sunday, maintained the warning signs were there from the opening Introductory Rites:
“His stubble was unusually haggard and he had that deep furrowed brow look from the moment he knelt down for a few pre-mass prayers as he normally does. Two women were whispering away about last night’s X-Factor to his left and I heard him muttering something about the ‘blue-rinse brigade’ and ‘a pack of feckin donuts’. I knew something was going to blow.”
Keane appears to have walked out just after the Sign of Peace which involves worshippers shaking hands with anyone sitting close to them. Fr Quinn, who originally hails from Plumbridge in Co Tyrone, decided to shake hands with the first five rows as it was the first Sunday of Advent:
“He just stared at me but I continued to hold out my hand. But then he said ‘how are you in effing close proximity to me you effing clown – get back on your pulpit and do your job, clampit’. I admit I was sort of shaken by the incident and made a few mistakes thereafter. I’d completely forgot about the Prayers of the Faithful earlier and so tried to squeeze them in before Communion.’
Members of the congregation maintain Keane soon got up and mumbled something about ‘a bunch of amateurs’ and used the ‘effin clown’ words again.
Following Ireland’s decision to abstain from a UN Human Rights Council vote on whether to launch a commission of inquiry into Israel’s offensive in Gaza, a Carrickmore medical expert has hinted that Ireland may be in the advance stages of dotage now with eye-sight almost entirely gone and left vulnerable to bullies.
The diagnosis was forwarded by fax to the Head of Medical Practices in Dublin with a recommendation that the nation be ‘put down’ before it comes out with something that’ll embarrass us for centuries, hurting tourism and overseas sales of Tayto and Guinness:
“If Ireland was a dog….well you know the rest,” Dr Henry McCallan informed us by, again, fax. “It’s obvious that its eyesight is so completely banjaxed that it cannot distinguish between extreme violation of human rights from a bit of ‘carry on out there’ as one politician told me yesterday.”
The doctor was also worried about Ireland being taken advantage of by younger and cleverer nations who promise to cure her of all her ails if Sean-Bhean Bhocht plays ball with her:
“Yes, that’s a big worry. Kathleen Ni Houlihan appears to be in a vulnerable state and will jump as high as she’s told. I’m aware of a particular young, devious and powerful predator out west who was been promising her all manner of treasures as long as she toes the line. I think we need to put her out of her misery before we’re stripped of all respectability. She’s undoing all her good work such as The Book of Kells, WB Yeats and Johnny Logan.”
The move to put her to sleep follows other examples of irrational behaviour in recent times such as appointing Roy Keane in a role of responsibility and making a cod out of a C&W singer.