Monthly Archives: May 2019

Online Petition To Rewrite End Of Titanic Has Over 100 Signatures

 

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Silly end?

After a petition to force a rewrite to the end of Game of Thrones gained over 1.5m signatures, an avid movie fan from Augher has managed to obtain over 100 similarly minded petition signers to ask for a rewrite to the end of Titanic. 

 

The movie, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, ended with Winslet pushing Leonardo off a raft, sending him into an icy grave alongside the boat itself. Then all of a sudden DiCaprio and the boat make a dramatic recovery and they both get a round of applause by everyone who all seem to have survived too, before tackling Winslet romantically.

Augher lumberjack Kevin McCaughey added:

“It was completely stupid. The boat had been ripped in half and DiCaprio already murdered by Winslet. Then they’re all alive again and people clapping on the stairway at the magic of it all. I’m calling for a rewrite, wherein Winslet gets arrested in the water by a policeman who was passing by on a boat, and she is hanged.”

McCaughey revealed he is aims to start petitions regarding the ending of E.T. which will see the alien staying and integrating into American society, getting a job as a lab technician in a school but finally dying of heart failure having ballooned in weight to over 23 stone.

Pomeroy Man Has A Good Long Hard Look At Himself In Mirror

serious-young-man-looking-self-bathroom-mirror_13339-50771A Pomeroy fence-mender revealed to close friends and strangers that he spent nearly five minutes having a good long hard look at himself in his bedroom mirror. 

Matt Grimes (55), who was hungover at the time due to having one drink too many at the Balmoral Show,  maintains he has a fair idea about a few things now and promises to change some stuff and maybe try harder at other stuff.

Outside the Post Office, Grimes explained:

“I’d heard that phrase millions of times, about having long hard looks at yourself. So I tried it. And I can categorically say it’s pure brilliant. I’m gonna quit the drinking, be nicer to children and pray far more. After about 4 minutes of staring I nearly gave thousands to Trocaire but managed to snap out of that. I think 4 minutes is enough.”

Grimes displayed his new persona at the Post Office by buying three Choc Pops for his nephews up the road. The Post Office in Pomeroy sells ice lollies.

Meanwhile, experts at Queen’s University have confirmed that neanderthals did live in Trillick 300’000 years ago. Neanderthal droppings were spotted on a Primary School walk in the woods by P6 pupil Mary Quinn. Quinn received a cheque for £10 from the University which she revealed she’ll spent at the Pomeroy Post Office.

Coalisland Comes To Standstill After News Of Royal Birth

 

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Coalisland, earlier

Bonfires were sporadically ablaze on Annagher Hill as early as 3pm today after ecstatic Coalislanders downed tools to toast the arrival of Prince Harry’s child, who is 7th in line to the throne as English monarch. 

 

In scenes reminiscent of Dennis Taylor’s World Championship win in 1985, car horns signalled the arrival of the child with the local chip shop, Landi’s, offering a royal Happy Hour from 4.30pm to 5pm with cowboy suppers slashed from £4.99 to £4.59.

Local historian Mairead O’Herron admitted she hadn’t stopped crying since the news broke:

“Don’t underestimate what this means to the people of Coalisland. We’re mad about the royals here. Sure wasn’t Springisland supermarket named after Charlie’s favourite season. There’ll not be any work done for a week in the town now.”

she added before winking and walking off towards the off-licence.

Bookies in the town are already taking bets on the name of the child, with Turlough a firm favourite with many local punters. Serious money was stuck on Wolfe-Tone initially until someone confirmed that royal babies can’t have doubled barrelled first names.

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have revealed they will give out Prince Harry face masks to all supporters before this Sunday’s championship match against Derry. Insiders have quietly admitted that the masks just look like Peter Harte. 

 

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