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Coalisland Comes To Standstill After News Of Royal Birth

 

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Coalisland, earlier

Bonfires were sporadically ablaze on Annagher Hill as early as 3pm today after ecstatic Coalislanders downed tools to toast the arrival of Prince Harry’s child, who is 7th in line to the throne as English monarch. 

 

In scenes reminiscent of Dennis Taylor’s World Championship win in 1985, car horns signalled the arrival of the child with the local chip shop, Landi’s, offering a royal Happy Hour from 4.30pm to 5pm with cowboy suppers slashed from £4.99 to £4.59.

Local historian Mairead O’Herron admitted she hadn’t stopped crying since the news broke:

“Don’t underestimate what this means to the people of Coalisland. We’re mad about the royals here. Sure wasn’t Springisland supermarket named after Charlie’s favourite season. There’ll not be any work done for a week in the town now.”

she added before winking and walking off towards the off-licence.

Bookies in the town are already taking bets on the name of the child, with Turlough a firm favourite with many local punters. Serious money was stuck on Wolfe-Tone initially until someone confirmed that royal babies can’t have doubled barrelled first names.

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have revealed they will give out Prince Harry face masks to all supporters before this Sunday’s championship match against Derry. Insiders have quietly admitted that the masks just look like Peter Harte. 

 

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