Category Archives: Ballinderry

Cocky Ardboe Pensioner Buys Wife 50 Shades Darker Cinema Tickets And Oysters For Valentine’s Day

dakota-johnson-fifty-shades-darker-pictures-copyAn Ardboe octogenarian reportedly spent today winking at people who know him around Ardboe after it emerged he bought his 82 year old wife, originally from Ballinderry, 2 tickets to see Jamie Dornan’s latest steamy movie ‘50 Shades Darker’ as well as a bag of oysters for Valentine’s Day next week. 

John Joe Donnelly (84) admitted he is aiming to make up for last year’s gift of a pair of thigh-length leather boots and handcuffs which left the former O’Donovan Rossa player sleeping in the shed until the middle of March.

“A few of the lads in the pub said she’ll go mad for this film. Apparently it’s about a boy who is great at using baling twine around the house and wife hits him the odd slap when he starts acting the bollocks. To me it could just as well have been set in Ardboe. And she likes shellfish so the 120g of oysters will be well-received.”

Donnelly still maintains last year’s boots were a complete misunderstanding and would have proved to be fantastic footwear for dunging out the yard all year around, if she’d given them the chance and not taken the wrong meaning from the gesture.

“I can’t see how this year’s double gift could go wrong. A wholesome country tale in the pictures and a pile of molluscs. There’s no double meaning there. And the handcuffs last year were just a novelty joke thing from a cracker.”

Donnelly was later seen winking at other men in the shop and rubbing his hands with his tongue hanging out.

New Tyrone GAA Xbox Game ‘More Realistic Than Ever’

blank_x_box_one_cover_by_unknownsoldier9865-d6y95lvA new Tyrone GAA Xbox game has broken pre-sales records across the country after early gamers confirm the new features are more realistic than ever.

After scathing reviews of previous incarnations, GAA in the gaming world finally comes to life in what should be the Christmas No 1 game for stockings across the county.

In a press release, game manufacturers explained what makes this version so exciting:

NEW REALISTIC CLUB FEATURES!!

  • ARDBOE – If losing, press the X button twice with 5 minutes to go in a game to spark a mass brawl and get the game void
  • EDENDORK – Win crucial funds for the club at half time by fixing the bingo game
  • OMAGH – Take up Boot Camp training over winter to prepare for country brutes
  • DROMORE – Press LT and A to perform off-the-ball skulduggery like gouging and groping and get away with it
  • CLONOE – Kick the lining out of each other during training.
  • TRILLICK – Win the Championship with only one player in the team – Mattie Donnelly!!
  • DUNGANNON – Nosedive down the leagues as committee splits into 5 groups!!

NEW REALISTIC PLAYER FEATURES!!

  • JOE MCMAHON – Choose ‘winter Joe’ for bulkier full back jobs, or ‘summer Joe’ for dynamic half-back play
  • SEAN CAVANAGH – Press LS and X for the Cavanagh Shimmy. Opponents can press B three times to take the head clean off him before he shimmies.
  • DIVISION THREE FULL BACK – Only functioning button is Y, used to boot the ball in any direction over 40 yards. No solos or handpassing.
  • 18 YEAR OLD SUPERSTAR – Choose ‘hair’ option to get blonde streaks and ‘shop’ to buy colourful boots. Press B twice to arrive with local 29-year old wag/bike.
  • MARKING COUNTY PLAYERS – Beat them up for 60 mins and receive no cards!!!

NEW REALISTIC ADMINISTRATION FEATURES!!

  • CHAIRMAN – Search the menu for Derry managers, preferably from Ballinderry, and pay £20’000 for his services in a brown envelope. Raise funds by selling tickets 60 miles away. Throw games at end of season for same reward.
  • MANAGERS – Get last year’s Strength & Conditioning program and do it backwards to justify brown envelope. Pick sponsor’s son in every game.
  • UMPIRES – Award wides as points to your club without sanction.
  • REFEREES – Give Black Cards for anything, apart from county players. Press Y to run twice as fast to changing room at end of game.
  • SUPPORTERS – Activate the ‘Derrytresk Woman’ option to whack star players with handbags if they get too close to the wire.

NEW REALISTIC COMMENTARY!!

  • JOE BROLLY – Listen to Brolly savage star players as he repeatedly questions their gender.
  • MARTIN MCHUGH – Learn from McHugh’s views on astronomy and Mexican food during games.
  • TEAMTALKMAG – Try to work out the current score as the lads debate the pros and cons of handball mid-match.
  • MARK SIDEBOTTOM – Scratch your head in despair and hear new rhyming slangs as Mark raps his way through big games.
  • and much, much more

Tyrone GAA Season 2017 is available in most shops for £59.99

20 Women Thrown Out Of Rose Of Ardboe Beauty Competition For Doping

plastic-surgery-face--th

Brocagh entrant

In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.

The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.

Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:

“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”

The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:

“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”

Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.

John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.

Colm O’Rourke Warned For ‘Tittering And Laughing’ In Staffroom This Morning

Smirkin O'Rourke

Smirkin O’Rourke

Insiders at St Patrick’s in Navan confirmed this afternoon that Colm O’Rourke had to be warned three times by the Board of Governors for ‘giggling away to himself’ at a first staff meeting for the 2015/6 academic year. Mr O’Rourke, Principal of the school, was finally asked to stand in the corner after smirking and rubbing his hands during a conversation on discipline procedures for the coming year.

Cleaner Mary Dowds, who has worked in the school since 1933, explained how O’Rourke was in unusually pleasant form for the first day back:

“The master would be a grumpy sort of man but this morning he was grinning from ear to ear and saying things like ‘I’ve got them now‘ and ‘Pat and Joe will be so pleased with me‘, and pointing at his nose and winking. We hadn’t a clue what he was on about.”

O’Rourke’s mobile phone was also confiscated by the Chair of the Board after he was caught texting several times during the meeting. Dowds added:

“He was infuriating everyone. The chairperson took the phone off him and read out one of his texts. It was addressed to a ‘Ciaran’ and it said ‘LOL, can’t believe RTE fell for it.’ It didn’t seem to faze him though and he just kept on smirking.”

Meanwhile, The Ulster Samaritans revealed they’re still perplexed at the astronomical rise in calls to their centres over the weekend, mostly from Derry and Armagh callers. Samaritans spokesperson Mary Applebum explained:

“From 6pm on Saturday evening til last night our phones were red hot with people from Ballinderry and Maghery wailing and sobbing. We couldn’t really work out what was wrong but they seemed to be worried about their heart or something like that.”

Ardboe Farmer Fined For Smoking Whilst Pushing Wheelbarrow

A big fine on the way?

A big fine on the way?

Following the news that a farmer who lit up a cigarette in his tractor could face a fine of up to £1,000 after he was deemed to be smoking in his workplace in a commercial vehicle capable of “carrying more than one person”, a 66-year old farmer from the Battery Road in Ardboe has been fined £300 on the spot for smoking a cigarette (Marlboro) whilst manoeuvring a barrow full of compost from his garden to the rampart.

Patsy Quinn, who will contest the fine, maintains it’s one rule for government ministers and another for the average Joe:

“I remember seeing McGuinness holding a barrow up with yer woman O’Neill in her and him with a Benson and Hedges drooping from his lip. There was no word of fines or the like then. Ghost oh, it’s a joke.”

Quinn will also contest the fine on the grounds that his barrow couldn’t hold any of the women in his family as they were ‘all big eaters’, negating the suggestion that it’s a two-person contraption.

Jackie Conlon also appeared before a magistrate at Cookstown Court this morning on a charge of smoking whilst in control of a donkey and cart he uses to sell eels around Moortown and Ballinderry.

Conlon (71) admitted to freely smoking a Cuban cigar on a vehicle capable of carrying ‘about 15 people’ in the back of it. On accepting the charge, an emotional Conlon added:

“Have yiz nothing better til be at like. The country’s couped.”

Video Tape Found In Attic Confirms Canavan Probably Over 70

Canavan, probably 63 here.

Canavan, probably 63 here.

A derelict house in Ballygawley has become a hive of activity after demolishers found a brown box of VHS tapes dating as far back as 1950, depicting life in and around the general Glencull area.

In particular, one cassette appears to confirm that former All-Star Peter Canavan is well into his 70s and not 44 as stated on his Wikipedia page.

Local historian and former train driver Joseph McAleer maintains the revelation only confirms what many locals have suspected for many years:

“Not a lot of things were actually written down or recorded in Ballygawley before 1990 but quite a few of the older generation were sure that Canavan had been knocking around the area since the late 1940s. Former club manager Kenny McGarrity, who managed the club throughout the 60s, is sure he played Canavan at full forward on over 100 occasions but had no photographic proof. Well, this video tape from a sports day in 1959 surely shows a 15-year old Canavan playing for Glencull.”

If confirmed, Tyrone’s U21 titles in 1991 and 1992 may be declared void as Canavan was probably about 46-47 then. Remarkably, Canavan now appears to have won his final All-Ireland title at the grand old age of 60 in 2005.

Omagh shopkeeper and avid GAA fan Paul Hurson is not surprised at the findings:

“I don’t understand how anyone can be shocked at this. Sure he was sucking away on the inhaler in the 1990s when he was well into his 50s it seems now. He was probably riddled with arthritis and still tortured Derry. A bad wetting could have finished him off at that age. We should admire him even more now.”

Cameroon’s Roger Milla, who played for his country in the 1990 World Cup at the age of 53 disguised as 33, was unavailable for comment as was Canavan.

“I Did Not Say It Was OK To Kick Derry Ones In The Balls” Says Pope

Cookstown, earlier

Cookstown, earlier

Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘. 

Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.

Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:

“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”

When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:

“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”

Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.

 

 

Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers

West Tyrone man?

West Tyrone man?

Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.

Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.

In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:

“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”

The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:

“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”

There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.

 

Stormont House Agreement Sees Tyrone ‘Hard Done By’ Says Kildress Man

A sight under threat with the new agreement

A sight under threat with the new agreement

As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.

Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.

McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.

“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”

Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.

“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”

The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.

Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.

Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.

“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”

Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:

“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”

The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.

 

Leaked Document Reveals Derrytresk Training Schedule For Junior Final

Derrytresk meditation techniques

Derrytresk meditation techniques

A detailed a4 page detailing the training schedule for Derrytresk’s participation in the Tyrone Junior Championship Final against the Rock was left behind in a confessional box at Kingsisland Church this morning.

The document, which was handwritten in pencil and signed CG, reveals the lengths modern teams go to before big games but also harks back to decades ago when tried and tested methods worked best. When contacted, a recently retired player from the club verified the methods and gave examples of how they worked.

Amongst other directions, the instructions included:

  • Six raw eggs every morning
  • a 20-mile walk to Dungannon and back three times a week
  • Listening to traditional music
  • a big spoon of medicine to clear out system before training

When asked about that final item, our source told us:

“I don’t know the name of it but by god it works. It’s tastes a bit like carbolic acid mixed with a heavy cough syrup. Yer man from Ballinderry makes us line up and he has this massive wooden spoon and we all take three gulps of it. Then, 20 minutes into running laps around the field your stomach starts rumbling and you’d have to run into the rampart and let rip. It’s some sight, 30 lads going to the toilet and the man from Ballinderry laughing his head off in the field. It works though. You feel three stone lighter and even faster.”

Other recommendations included:

  • Six Hail Marys every night before bed
  • No alcohol on Mondays and Thursdays
  • Trampolining
  • Planking and meditation

When quizzed on the document, a member of the backroom team confirmed our findings and added ‘they’ll be the best prepared team in Ireland this year. Even Jimmy McGuinness pops down to see how it’s done.’

Derrytresk meet Rock in the final in October.

 

Transfer Deadline Day In Tyrone

transfer-deadline-day

8:00am

News coming through that Sean Cavanagh may be on his way to Beragh. More shortly

8:33am

Reports emerging that Owen Mulligan has been looking at an estate agents shop in Ardboe, sparking rumours of a transfer out east

9:10am

TRANSFER! Joe McMahon has made the move down the road to Drumragh for six bags of coal and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter in Drumragh College.

9:19am

We return to the Owen Mulligan story. He was in fact just looking at his reflection in the window and not property browsing.

9:44am

More on that Sean Cavanagh move to Beragh. Beragh officials are prepared to offer their historic Standing Stone as well as three months of home heating oil for Sean’s services. There appears to be a hold up due to Cavanagh’s demands that his brother Colm goes too. Beragh don’t want Colm.

10:10am

Noises made about Tommy McGuigan moving to Trillick. More on that later.

10:33am

Sensational news emerging that Derrytresk have bid for Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan. More later.

10:35am

Trillick’s Jewish community have announced they will not renew their season tickets if McGuigan moves out west. Deal off.

11:11am

The O’Sullivan to Derrytresk story is gathering legs as reports are confirmed of a Kerry reg car speeding up from Dromid towards Ulster.

12:03pm

TRANSFER! Moy have sold Philip Jordan to a knackers yard.

12:45pm

Owen Mulligan has been spotted chatting to Donaghmore‘s chairwoman Debbie Donnelly, sparking rumours of a move to St Patrick’s.

12:59pm

Declan O’Sullivan has been spotted buying a bottle of mineral in Cavan Town. Deal closing in.

1:34pm

The Mulligan story has been quashed after it was confirmed he was just chatting Donnelly up.

1:59pm

Beragh have backed down and are prepared to take the two Cavanaghs in exchange for the Standing Stone and the Drumnakilly Devil.

2:33pm

O’Sullivan spotted in Fivemiletown asking for directions to Derrytresk. Onlookers say he looks excited.

2:48pm

TRANSFER! Omagh have bought Moortown underage sensation Paddy Quinn for a packet of Haribo and two VIP tickets to see Nathan Carter play at Drumragh College and have promised to have him speaking English by Christmas

3:12pm

Ageing journalist Ronan McSherry seen buying a Brackaville jersey in Dungannon, sparking rumours of a sensational comeback.

4:22pm

The Cavanagh to Beragh saga has taken another turn as it emerged that Cavanagh’s wife doesn’t like the shops in Beragh.

4:57pm

Owen Mulligan spotted playing bingo in Edendork Hall, suggesting of a move to St Malachy’s.

5:33pm

Carrickmore have made a bid for entire Clonoe team.

5:34pm

Cash strapped Clonoe have accepted Carrickmore’s bid for their entire team in part exchange for Conor Gormley.

5:49pm

The Rock have denied rumours they are in the market for a new lawn mower, stating ‘we are happy with the mower we have.’

6:23pm

Mulligan will not be going to Edendork. He was simply checking out the talent at bingo in a Wayne Rooney sort of way.

6:33pm

Philip Jordan has failed his medical at the knacker’s yard

6:55pm

Cavanagh to Beragh is off. Mrs Cavanagh has complained about the climate up there.

7:05pm

Conor Gormley has been revealed as a Clonoe O’Rahilly player at Tessie’s, the only one left, sparking wild scenes of jubilation. Ruthless manager Cassidy says ‘he’s better than the shower we had anyway”.

7:47pm

Tommy McGuigan has controversially tweeted ‘punch a Ballinderry man today #dicks’.

8:00pm

One hour of the Tyrone Transfer Window left

8:23pm

TRANSFER! Ryan McMenamin has been sold to Uruguay. Uruguayan manager Hector Solaris reckons he’ll give them ‘that 1954 bite back’. McMenamin learning Spanish.

8:33pm

Tommy McGuigan spotted with a t-shirt which says “Why Always Me?” on the front of it.

8:56pm

Declan O’Sullivan arrives in Derrytresk

8:57pm

Declan O’Sullivan leaves Derrytresk in tears. They were just messing.

8:58

Urney have announced they will not be buying anyone in this window. Restless locals storm embassy.

8:59pm

TRANSFER! Colm Cavanagh has been sold to Beragh on a free.

9:00pm

TRANSFER WINDOW SHUT!

 

Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.

The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:

“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”

Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:

“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “

he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.

Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.

Tyrone’s Taxi Men Supplementing Wage With Part-Time Stripping

Coalisland taxi man

Coalisland taxi man

An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.

The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.

A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:

“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”

The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:

“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”

Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.

Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management

Made for Windmill

Made for Windmill

East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.

Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:

“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”

Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:

“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”

Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.

Brocagh Man Will Donate £300 If Wife Keeps Make-Up On For Selfie

Ardboe man takes riskiest selfie ever

Ardboe man takes riskiest selfie ever

The astonishing success of the ‘selfie’ for Cancer Awareness (see below how to donate), which has raised a remarkable £2 million and rising, has been further helped along by a Brocagh carpenter who has pledged to donate £300 to the research as long as his wife keeps her make-up on for her own selfie.

Jackie McMahon (49), a four-time winner of the Brocagh Sports wellie-tossing competition, is adamant that his wife will not share her natural looks with her 822 online friends, including members of the clergy:

“Under no circumstances will I allow that to happen. I have a strong stomach but it’s touch and go every morning how I’ll react when I turn around. Sometimes I forget and find myself on the floor taking deep breaths to prevent the passing out phase that I used to experience in my 30s.”

June McMahon (48), originally from Carnan, admitted:

“I’m in two minds here. I could stick 10 different photos up and raise the same amount and annoy him beyond belief. Or I could deprive him of his weekend drinking money and allow him to fork out the £300. Tough decisions. And by the way, you should see the cut of him! No oil painting is a tame expression there. His ma told me that when he was born they kept him in the pram outside the front door to ward off tax men, Mormons and banshees. Brutal she says.”

Meanwhile, an Ardboe painter has been roundly applauded for taking the riskiest selfie ever during the bull run in Ballinderry this morning.

Tyrone Tribulations fully supports the No Make-Up Selfie For Cancer Awareness and would encourage anyone who reads this article and hasn’t donated (especially the men) to do so by texting BEAT to 70099. You’ll be charged £3 plus one message at your standard network rate.

Colin Farrell Set To Play Hugo Duncan In Movie, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’

Hugo

Hugo

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Unconfirmed rumours continued to spread yesterday that Colin Farrell has signed up to play the part of Hugo Duncan in a Hollywood biopic about the wee man from Strabane.

Self-appointed publicist and unofficial theatrical agent Fergal McCaffrey from Ballinderry said,

“We just about had Tom Cruise lined up see, because Tom’s a wee fella just like Hugo. But then we told him about Hugo’s 70s band ‘The Tall Men’, and he started getting cold feet. It was probably the thought of having to wear draughty built-up shoes. And he was getting all uppity, wanting to play Hugo with an American accent and changing his occupation from deadly singer to deadly assassin, which is stretching the truth a bit. The final straw came when he wanted the name of the character changed from Uncle Hugo to Godfather Hugo, and play him as this sort of evil character dispensing despair and misery wherever he goes. Jays, I know Hugo’s recorded a few dodgy tracks but that’s going a bit far. Some clift thon Tom Cruise. Although he was great in ‘Forrest Gump”.

He continued,

“Colin Farrell said he’d do it straight away. If he hadn’t accepted then we still had a couple of other options, although casting one of the Jedwards as Hugo would have needed an awful lot of make-up”.

Comments from sources close to Farrell in Dublin suggested that the critically-acclaimed Dublin-born actor jumped at the part and was eager to get into character as soon as possible, although it is believed he may have got Hugo Duncan mixed up with Hugh Hefner, the flamboyant billionaire and creator of the Playboy empire.

Farrell

Farrell

If made, the gritty movie is expected to be given an ‘18’ adult certificate, as it is likely to contain original footage of Duncan dressed up as Britney Spears for the BBC’s 2006 Children in Need.

“Aye, this is going to be a no-holds-barred movie, the good the bad and the ugly”, said McCaffrey. “I’ve watched that Children in Need tape. The audience are going to need a strong stomach boys. And I thought ‘The Exorcist’ was bad”.

Entitled, ‘A Good Day To Die Diddly’, the movie is set to chart the rise of Duncan throughout his career as singer and performer, as well as his radio and television career.

“This stuff is dynamite”, said an excited McCaffrey. “It’ll be almost identical to that Robbie Williams film ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ except without the guns, explosions, politics, war, fights, planes, uniforms and scenery.  Think ‘Cocoon’ but with music and dancing and suchlike. Mighty”.

As at last night, there were further rumours that Sandra Bullock was in talks to play the part of Lynette Fay.

Series Of Floods In East Tyrone Sees Locals Develop Fish-like Qualities

Artist’s impression of Loughshore man in 100 years

The prolonged flooding of fields and roads in East Tyrone has resulted in many residents gradually adopting fish-like characteristics such as having pouted lips and being deadly slippery.

Scientists have descended upon the area hoping to find definite signs of aquatic change, investigating a woman from Derrylaughan who has reportedly developed scaly leg syndrome. Professor Herbie McMahon, whose mother originates from Moy, is excited by the prospect:

“Yes, this is class news. I remember the bad floods in Derrytresk four years ago and I personally believe if it hadn’t dried out so soon back then we would have witnessed a whole batch of mermaids and mermen slapping about in that general area. I spent three days hiding in hedges and loanans watching them evolve from normal Derrytreskionians to half-man/half-salmon beings. The women too were pouting like mad and sucking in air, developing those trout-pouts celebrities pay for. One girl started eating worms. No one believes me though.”

Recently, the floods have shown signs of drying up with many fields below the M1 Tamnamore roundabout down to under 8 inches water depth. Prof McMahon insisted time is of the essence:

“We need to act now. There’ll be a few showers this week which will keep these people topped up. I’m told there’s a man developing gills in Brocagh. I also took a spin out to Ardboe this morning to watch the locals return from mass. Parishioners were flapping about all over the road and jumping in and out of streams. Ardboe ones would be slippery enough by nature but this is something else.”

The physical changes have come at a cost though as the predominantly fish-eating locals have begun eyeing each other up and licking their lips at one another whilst making threatening pot-stirring gestures.

Richard Haass Also Fails To Resolve Ardboe Christmas Tree Dispute

Coleman and McGuigan

Coleman and McGuigan

Former US diplomat Richard Haass has admitted defeat for the second time in a couple of days after his efforts to resolve the Ardboe Christmas Tree dispute ended in several parties tearing the heads off each other.

The argument revolved around who will turn off the lights on Ardboe’s first ever Christmas tree. Mickey Coleman, Brian McGuigan, Barry Devlin, Adrian McGuckin, Chris Lawn, Tom McGurk, Malachi Cush, Ronan McSherry, Dennis Taylor, Kevin McAleer, Mickey Harte, Pope Francis and Billy Ray Cyrus were all named as interested parties, each putting forward viable reasons for pulling the plug out.

Haass, who admitted Ardboe was a ‘wild place’ on a par with Kosovo and Sierra Leone, was able to narrow it down to four celebs after intense negotiations:

“We managed to rule out McGuckin and Lawn as we suspected they were there to sabotage the event, being enemies in some shape or form. The cost for the Pope was astronomical. Apart from the flights, the pot holes would wreck the popemobile. No insurance around here. Harte, McAleer, McSherry, Taylor, Cush and McGurk were ruled out next during the eel-skinning demonstration.”

With Coleman, McGuigan, Devlin and Billy Ray Cyrus left, tensions were beginning to reach boiling point with accusations of bribes and counter arguments over ancestry muddying the waters.

“I thought dealing with Robinson and McGuinness was tough. These guys are stubborn. It ended up in a bare-knuckle contest between all four.”

Haass left the scene an hour into the free-for-all, admitting defeat and vowing never to return to the island again.

Mobile Checkpoints Set Up To Halt Derry Wans Dressed In Tyrone Gear Heading To Dublin

The lesser-spotted Derry wans

The lesser-spotted Derry wans

The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that there’ll be temporary checkpoints set up in the Moortown, Coagh, Cookstown, Crannagh and Donemana on Sunday morning to prevent Derry rogues pretending to be from Tyrone in order to experience that mid August Croke Park feeling. There was great anger and embarrassment in the aftermath of the qualifier against Sligo as complaints were made to the Board of Red Hand supporters who didn’t look like Tyrone people, spoke with a completely different brogue and made gulpins out of themselves in general.

Board executive Mary Graham confirmed strong-hand tactics will be employed in the morning:

“Yes, as well as the five venues mentioned, there’ll be surprise checks by boys jumping out of hedges in Greencastle, Kildress, Strabane, Derrylaughan and Newmills. If we catch any Derry natives pretending to be from here they will be made to turn the car around. A slap or two might also be needed for mouthier ones. Also, there’ll be final checks in the Moy and Aughnacloy in case some slippery ones know the back roads. Zero tolerance. They’re not good for our image. Eating butter from the tub with big spoons from the car-boot is something we just don’t do here.”

Late last night, one culprit was caught speeding through Brocagh before being apprehended on the Washingbay Road. Conleith Gilligan (33), wearing a tshirt with “Tyrone Yer On Yer Own” crudely drawn on with matching headband, admitted:

“Yousins don’t know what it’s like, sur. For 10 years we’ve been sitting on bridges and loanans flicking stones and drinking mineral whilst you’re down in Dublin slappin about. I just want a piece of that, what it feels like. Come on hey, just this wan time sur. I’ll behave. I swear”.

Gilligan was made to strip and walk 9 miles back to his homeland with “I’m A Derry Man” written on cardboard around his neck.

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