Lough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.

A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.

Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.

Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:

“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”

Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.