Five Carrickmore labourers have sent London a contract detailing their plans to build a cheap but effective border down the Irish Sea, after Boris Johnson’s announcement today.
The plans, which they reckon will be completed soon after Christmas or at least early in the New Year, details how they’ll work weekends and all and use bricks suitable for wet conditions with large gates for boats to go through, having tested them in Lough Neagh yesterday.
Gus Gormley (44) added:
“We are some of the hardest working brickies in the world. Last week, we build a wall 500 yards long and 1 metre high in five days and that included 3 tea breaks before 11am every morning. We’re deadly. We’ll build that border in at least 12 weeks no bother and have a bit of craic in the Isle of Man.”
London have yet to reply to the email but it has been said they face stiff competition for the job from a group of brickies in Aghyaran.
Meanwhile, 45 birds were spotted flying like mad around Stewartstown today, some of them squawking like idiots. Experts maintain it’s nothing to worry about.
Senior British officials have confirmed that, post-Brexit, any rainbows spanning the border will not be classed as rainbows and anyone admiring them in their entirety will be subject to a fine or even worse.
Rainbows have often been a bone of contention in the north with many riots the result of a difference of opinion as to whether it was mostly a protestant or catholic rainbow due to its starting positions.
Today’s announcement by Downing Street brought back bad memories for Aughnacloy’s Deccie McBogue:
“I remember in 1988 admiring a rainbow in our village. It seemed to start in Emyvale, in Monaghan. The next thing I remember was an RUC officer kicking the shite outta me and telling me to stop looking at that Fenian rainbow. Since then, any time I see a rainbow, I just nod my head in quiet admiration so as to not draw attention to myself in case I get the lining kicked out of me again.”
How the rainbows will be monitored have yet to be revealed but an official did add that anyone looking at one of them double rainbows which stretch across the Brexit border will be brought straight to Castlereagh.
Meanwhile, Galbally is on fire.
Lough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.
A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.
Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.
Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:
“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”
Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.
As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.
Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.
Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:
“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”
Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.
“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”
Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.
A Drummurrer stove-fitter has admitted to having recurring nightmares over Brexit, adding that he might have to find another trade if the vote to leave the EU gets the green light. In addition to his personal doomsday scenario, he predicts the end of the lucrative diesel smuggling business which has kept the county in the top ten of the most wealthy regions of the world since 1990.
Terence McNeill, who turned 49 last week, is fluent in six languages as a result of his stove-fitting escapades and has recently started coaching exam students for their GCSEs in Spanish, French, Portuguese, Russian, Latvian and Lithuanian.
However, the part time piper admits his gravy train is about to come to an end:
“If we leave the EU I’m bucked to be honest. I make a mint fitting stoves for the Eastern Europeans who are mad for the Irish stoves. And the Latvian women seem to take a liking to my lean, mean physique. And it’s not just me who’ll suffer. The whole diesel smuggling enterprise will be shattered if that imaginary border is stiffened again.”
It is estimated that McNeill’s stove fitting empire is worth £5m, £3m of which he has invested in top quality chickens, hens, pheasants, cocks and ostriches.
A Brexit Yes vote will also leave many families simply relying on child benefit, grants and the dole without the smuggling extras supplementing their dubious allowances.
“Tyrone needs to think long and hard about this, especially our Unionist brethren. They are driving around on dodgy diesel too y’know. Don’t bite the hand which feeds you, Arlene..”
…….added McNeill before going off to shout at his cocks for not strutting correctly.
An anonymous Dublin-based GAA official issued a stark warning that if the UK leaves the EU, ‘any team from the occupied six will receive untoward media attention from RTE and harsh calls from referees, unlike the present‘.