Monthly Archives: January 2023
Steep Rise In Gulpins Linked To Covid Vaccinations Says Omagh Scientist
A 50% rise in gulpins in Tyrone over the last two years has been linked with those who received at least one vaccination, an Omagh scientist with over six years experience with working in a pharmacy has claimed.
Tyrone gulpins were an endangered species during the early part of the 21st century, with most families only having one or two full-blown gulpins within the extended family at any given period. This was in stark contrast to the 1960s-1980s when there were over 4000 gulpins running around the county, some holding high positions in society.
However, the number of gulpins have officially doubled since 2021, with primary schools being forced to identify gulpins from an early age and putting in measures to curtail the spread.
Dr Leo Garland, an expert in Gulpinism, explained:
“It’s them vaccinations.”
The majority of the gulpins appear to be along the county border townlands. Donaghmore have confirmed their first gulpin since 1977.
Derry have also reported a rise in gulpins this year although they’ve always had a high level since the 1800s.
Castaway Tyrone Man Returns To Home After 4 Years Lost On Coney Island
A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.
Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.
When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:
“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”
McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.
Parents To Sue BBC NI Weather Team If Children Stay Off Another Day
A group of Tyrone parents has already started proceedings against Barra Best, Angie Phillips, Cecilia Daly, and Geoff Maskell after their children were kept off school for another day today due to freezing conditions on Tuesday night which left conditions too tricky for travelling to school.
The group, named PANDAS (Parents Are Not Doing Another Snowday), was advised by local legal eagles that they cannot sue God because he was too hard to pin down. Instead, they have gone for the nearest thing, the BBC weather team, and are confident of getting a few pounds out of the venture.
PANDA spokesperson Harry Harvey explained:
“Ye see the likes of Best and Daly on the TV smiling and joking about days off school because of the snow. They think they’re infallible with all that power. Well, they’ll get their wings clipped in the next week or so. Snow is for holidays, not for the middle of January. These people are pure power-hungry tyrants.”
Angie Phillips refused to comment on the case when confronted outside her house by our reporter and continued to make another snowman, her 5th in 48 hours, whilst giggling.
Harry Windsor Claims Gough Should Have Sent Off More Tyrone Men v Armagh
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.