Monthly Archives: November 2012

What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend – Nov 1st-2nd

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COOKSTOWN

PARADE OF THE ELEPHANTS – Barney Eastwood and Jimmy Cricket lead the annual Parade of the Elephants at 10am Saturday morning. These fine creatures, 9 in total, live on the Tullhogue side of the town and are native to the area. They are a distant relative to the elephants you’d see in programmes about Africa and barely survived the hose pipe ban of 1995. Young children at risk from being excreted on so caution needs to be exercised.

COALISLAND/CLONOE LEAGUE FINAL

Edendork will witness the coming together of Coalisland and Clonoe people – a must-see event (Sat 2pm). The East Tyrone diaspora are a uniquely indigenous people, many of whom haven’t set foot out of a 15-mile radius of the area apart from going to Nutt’s Corner in the lead up to Christmas. Sit back and watch how they interact using one-syllable words. Witness their jeans and tucked-in jumpers – a real heart warmer. Observe how they manage to throw a pound into the turnstyle and get away with it by employing a pretend innocent ignorance that you had to pay in at all. Get there tomorrow before they start watching Friends and change.

OMAGH

Celebration of Polygamy.  The marriage of one man and several women or one woman and several men, is prohibited in modern day Omagh, but only in the first weekend of December and must be terminated by St Stephen’s Day. The great Seamus McMahon, the oldest living functional man in Omagh, is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Sunday polygamy service starts at 4pm Sunday at Healy Park.

STRABANE

Baler Twine Belt Competition. Sunday 9am sees the inaugural baler twine belt event. Men and women will parade down the main street in their Sunday best with only baler twine holding up their modesty. Best twine judged by Hugo Duncan and Jimmy McGuinness.

First Obese Man In Gortin ‘Ashamed’. Pledges To ‘Cut Down’

Man in Gortin today

Witthe recent news that sixtyfour people in NI are currently claiming incapacity benefit because they are too obese to work, one man from Gortin has come forward to confirm that he, in fact, is one of the three from Tyrone included in the above investigation. Johnny Coyle, a 31-year old ex-timber merchant from the village, says obesity sort-of crept up on him out of nowhere and blames the foreigners for opening their delicious outlets in the greater Omagh area. 

“Jaysus I’m tara embarrassed. I knew I’d put on a lock of pounds after everyone stopped buying timber from the yard in favour of them straw bales and I had to retire, but little did I know I’d actually ballooned to 31 stone from my fighting weight of 13 stone. I knew a couple of chairs had broken over the last year but I just put that down to shoddy workmanship in Fermanagh. The bed collapsing should have been a tell-tale sign. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the doorway of Mossey’s Bar back toilet that I couldn’t ignore the truth. I’d been eating too much. The government came around to weigh me and told me what I already knew. I’m the first obese person in Gortin. Stop eating or I won’t get a woman they said.”

Coyle has made it his goal to find out where the other two obese people in Tyrone are so he can set up an Eaters’ Anonymous Society. He also also promised to cut down on the Chineses, Indians, pic ‘n’ mix from Centra and the thrice daily fries.

“My runners have told me there may be a middle-aged woman in Brocagh and a young lad in Trillick around the same size as myself. I’d have to be sure though. You’d get some abuse if you asked the wrong person if they were obese. I’m just looking for moral support as we begin our descent towards an acceptable level of heaviness. It’s all about what you eat. A gradual change in lifestyle should do the trick. For breakfast, instead of the 5 bacon, 9 sausage, biscuits, gravy, cream hotcakes, dozens of scrambled and fried eggs and pounds upon pounds of melted cheese with ice cream on Fridays, cut out the ice cream on Fridays.”

The Gortin Pioneers’ Society released a statement saying they wholeheartedly supported Johnny but that you’d think he’d learn the lessons from his da who died after choking on a Frankfurter in 2001.

Water Filters ‘Selling Like Hotcakes’ In Ardboe. Cash Up Front.

The Pastor Kennedy Water Filter

A preacher from Alabama in America has blogged that, in all his travels over the world, the people of Ardboe were the most generous by far. Pastor Peter Kennedy stopped off in Ardboe on his way home from Russia in order to rectify a horrible experience his great grandfather had in the area in the late 1800s. The great Arthur Kennedy toured Ireland in 1896, hoping to convert the locals into using an early version of the modern water filter which involved connecting his contraption to the nozzle of a water pump in the Main Street.

“Arthur meant well. He was showing the Ardboe community how they could filter out all the muck and silt from the water pump in the village. All was going well until he was chased from the local drinking shebeen after letting it slip that the filtered water could not be mixed with whiskey or the version of local ether/meth they were all drinking. As he left the pub someone threw a dog at him through the window from inside the building. He said he’d never visited such a heathen place in all his travels across Europe.”

Peter now claims the people of Ardboe have changed beyond all recognition and will be recommending the loughshore townland as a tourist attraction to Obama’s government when he returns to America.

“I managed to sell 130 water filters last week alone in the greater Ardboe area. At £2500 a go they don’t come cheap but the people here have dug deep. Our brand of filters have changed a lot since 1896. You can mix any alcohol at all with it. It also claims to cure illnesses if you rub it on the affected area. They seemed to like that idea here and already there has been rumours of women getting rid of unwanted facial hair, men losing weight and animals working harder after applying the water. It also gets rid of embarrassing stains from trousers or skirts. Some may say they’re a superstitious or gullable people around these parts but I say they’re open to ideas. A great community. All cash up front too. The Northern Bank must do some trade in Ardboe as it was all their notes. I’ve already received advanced orders for another 40 filters for here, again paid for by similar bank notes. Magnificent people.”

When questioned on the sudden influx of wealth in the area, Ardboe Lord Mayor simply smirked and commented, “Is thon balax away yet?”

Loughmacrory ‘May Become Extinct’ Claims Russian Scientist

Loughmacrory today

The chronic fall in babies born in Loughmacrory may see the small townland wiped off the face of the map unless drastic measures are put in place to increase the birthrate, claimed a Russian scientist today.

Ivan Drago, who was passing through Loughmacrory on his way to buy a pair of jeans in Mountfield, maintains the root of the problem lays with the men who are coming home from work and just falling down on the sofa after dinner watching The One Show before nodding off, leaving the bored housewives with nothing to do but drink wine until they pass out around midnight.

“I firmly predict that, if patterns remain the same, Loughmacrory will cease to exist by 2020, possibly earlier. The men I saw were covered from head to toe in oil that has been gathering for a few days. Their weekend shower tradition needs to be binned in favour of a new 3-times-a-week wash. The women, otherwise attractive, have that wizened look from gulping bucketloads of wine a week, obviously a by-product from the frustration and boredom of seeing their men snoring and slabbering by 8pm. The males need to up their game in order to save the village. I suggest hosing the bastards down with water cannons as they head up their lanes coupled with loud speakers playing slow romantic songs throughout the day all over the place. Lady In Red or something from REO Speedwagon possibly. This can be reversed. It’s a greater threat to civilisation than the greenhouse effect.”

The Loughmacrory Village Council said they will study his findings and may look into buying a few radios so the young couples can listen to Cool Goes Quiet at night. The older ones, if still capable of reproducing, can watch old Humphrey Bogart films.

 

Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers

Kerr has no time for this blade

A likeable Coalisland photographer, Olly Kerr, has threatened the rest of the town with the ultimate revenge if they are heard to wish him or anyone else a Merry Christmas, or even talk about the festive period, before December the 18th.

Kerr, known for his charitable acts and friendly banter, appears to have snapped early this year, pasting notices of the threat outside most retail businesses in the area.

The notice, in shaky red writing, reads:

I hereby announce that anyone mentioning the word ‘Merry’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence in the vicinity of my presence will leave the same company with their head taken clean off them, before December 18th. Signed Olly Kerr.”

An agitated Kerr has since told us:

“I’d like to add a bit to that earlier statement. I’d want to inform all shop owners or public houses in the greater Coalisland area that if I walk in and hear that Mariah Carey shite ‘All I Want For Christmas’ blasting out, all they’ll want for Christmas is new stock because I’ll fooking wreck the joint. I’m serious about this. I’ve already smashed my sister’s 50 inch HD TV to smithereens after that ‘Holidays Are Coming’ Coke advert came on during Countdown. I don’t apologise for my actions. Coalisland is the perfect place to live 11 months of the year. You can miserably dander around the town knowing everyone else is as miserable as you. Then people lose the run of themselves for a month and pretend they’re happy whilst being crippled with burgeoning debt and preparing for a harrowing, hard and hungry January. Well, not on my patch. You’ll just hear the slap.”

Kerr has already clipped a hapless schoolboy for whistling Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on his way to school up the Brackaville Road last week. Young Harry Gervin (8) says a semi-naked Kerr came running out of his house ‘like some mad demented buffalo’ and gave him an accurate skite across the earhole, having heard the whistling from his opened window in the upstairs bathroom.

Meanwhile, the PSNI’s application to turn on the Coalisland Christmas lights this year will be heard by the Town Committee tonight at 9:00pm. The meeting will end at 9:02pm.

Dromore Courting Rituals To Be Studied at Queen’s

Happily married Dromore couple, today

Despite allegations that degrees and masters have been dumbed down over the past decade, Queen’s University have announced that they are to run a course in Courting Rituals in 2013, focusing mostly on the romantic customs around the Dromore and Tummery Road area. In what will be surely a tourism boost for the area, the course coordinator, Dr Gary Greene, claimed that the field trips will centre mainly on the Dromore area, taking in the night time habits in the dances and ceili at the weekends.

“There’s no denying that courting customs in the Dromore area are unique to most in the northern hemisphere. I have been studying them closely and feel there is enough to go on to create an honours degree in the subject. One such well-known custom I experienced up close during a Hallowe’en bonfire a couple of weeks ago. It started out with young women of all sizes sitting together around the bonfire and turning their spinning wheels. A group of men draped in red blankets and playing musical instruments, like the triangle or the spoons, approaches them, and each man chooses a woman to serenade with a song by one of the many country and western singers from Tyrone. If the woman of his choice likes him back, she’ll take out a small stool from under her skirt and invite him to sit on it. Then the man will wrap her in his red blanket, and they’ll start eating the face off each other, in a romantic-ish way. It really is a townland of passion.”

Other Dromore rituals such as ‘burdin’ (boarding in English) need to be witnessed inside the home. “Burdin” was once a common courting practice in northwestern Europe and Colonial America but is only practised in Dromore and especially on the Fintona Road. With parental oversight, an adolescent boy and girl would stay the night together in the same bed, but tightly wrapped in separate blankets, sometimes with a thick burd (board) or plank placed between them. This setup permitted intimacy but no groping. Parents says it got them used to the opposite sex whilst preventing them going ‘buck mad’ when they turned 18.

Dromore has the lowest percentages of divorce in Europe and is said to be rife with pleasant copulation.

“Galbally Style” Dance Craze About To Sweep Continent

Galbally men storm the stage

Following the universal success of the Korean song and accompanying dance moves of ‘Gangnam Style’, what started out as ‘a bit of codding about’ may eventually see Galbally as the place on everyone’s lips before the end of the week. Last week’s Galbally Dinner Dance appeared to pass off like any other year with only a few bare-knuckle fights, a couple of raids by the PSNI for illegal alcohol and one girl making a show of herself with her skirt up around her neck dancing to ‘Walking On Sunshine’. What the members didn’t know was the presence of an Australian film-maker, Karl Harris, who wanted to capture the essence of Irish celebration.

“I was just doing a bit of filming. I managed to capture much of the heavy drinking and ferocious slagging in great detail. It wasn’t until the crowd were well oiled and the men started to trickle their way onto the dance-floor that I knew I had stumbled across the real moneymaker – Galbally-Style dancing. I’d never seen movement like it. The women began to exit the floor as the presence of Galbally-Style male dancing put them at risk of broken jaws and twist limbs. It is hard to describe. The men seemed to jump up and down, legs akimbo, bent at the knee, arms in the air, elbows slightly bent, shouting ‘yeeeooooo’ or ‘yeeeehhhaaaaaa’. They would repeat this movement about 50 times in a minute, bouncing off each other at sporadic time gaps. It was quite mesmerising and definitely well rehearsed. ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ seemed to be a favourite, bare-chested after midnight.”

Harris released the video onto YouTube and ‘Galbally-Style’ has already amassed 1’288’000 hits in one day. The comments below the clip range from the critical “Bunch of typical drunken Galbally tax-dodging f**kers” (from Kildressman2) to the less judgemental “Are these hoors on drugs?” (from Carmenlady65).

 

American Literacy Convoy Says Tyrone Speech is ‘Mysterious Language’

Is this man a ‘clift’?

The American Literacy Convoy to Ireland finished writing up its report yesterday having spent 32 days touring all the counties in Ireland. The most startling revelation is that they believe the lingo spoken in Tyrone is actually a separate and distinct language from English or Irish and is urging the Dublin government to either cherish and promote the Red Hand tongue or ban it completely.

Early indications suggest the Dail is thinking of outlawing the dialect with stern punishments for any Tyronnies heard speaking it outside of their own county, especially in Dublin or Kildare. A government spokesman told us:

“We weren’t expecting anything to come from this – just an excuse for a few Yanks to come over to kiss the Blarney Stone and sink a few stout. It wasn’t until we reached the Tyrone section that we knew something was wrong. It seems that the Yanks couldn’t make head nor tail of anyone in Tyrone. We’d been saying this for years in Dublin. Around the All-Ireland period we hire Tyrone ex-pats to serve in the bars and cafes here so we can get these odd breed of northerners what they want.”

Dr Hillary Philpot, chief literacy coordinator in Obama’s government, was the first to spot the mystery language when he watched a man from Coalisland do a crossword in a bar in the town. He wrote the following:

“I watched a rather hairy and unkempt young man, about the age of 40, stare at a crossword intently. I studied him closely and he appeared to be stuck on the first clue. It asked for a 5-letter word meaning ‘a foolish person’. Knowing it was ‘idiot’ I waited for the penny to drop with the young gentleman. About 25 minutes later he exclaimed ‘Ah fer feck sake lak biys, howd a nat know thon’ and proceeded to fill out the answer. To my amazement he wrote ‘clift’. I’ve searched every dictionary since. No such word. He seemed rather pleased with himself.”

Kenny is to announce a bank of words not allowed to be spoken outside of Tyrone in order to contain the language up there. They include: tay, flure, dure, windee, bizem, yousuns, kkarrr, kkarrrpet, ggarrrdin, blade, coul, oul, houl and locka, . Also, when asked a question, the Tyronnies simply don’t say ‘yes or no’ e.g: “Are yousuns coming home?”  – “We are”. From now on, a simple yes or no is required. The new measures are to be introduced in the morning.

Priest Lambasts “Strictly” From Omagh Pulpit

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The Father’s Favourite

Father Roger Hughes, one of the longest serving priests in the Omagh area, has criticised the long-running dancing show on the BBC – Strictly Come Dancing – for its promotion of short frocks and unnecessary gyrations.

Fr Hughes, who won the Omagh Multi-Faith Jazz-Hands dancing competition earlier in the year, claims that the negative effect can be seen in the discos across Tyrone which he attends to make sure the young people aren’t having too much fun, as ‘pain and misery’ gets you closer to eternal bliss.

“I’ve been watching this year’s programme in order to gain tips for next year’s Jazz Hands competition as there’s talk of that young shower of priests entering straight out of Maynooth. All I’ve seen is blades’ knickers as they buck leap across the floor being lifted by big tanned men with questionable sexuality. Last week I saw a blondy girl and I had to re-watch the same clip about 50 times to see if she was actually wearing a skirt at all. Almost broke the Sky box. I phoned the BBC up and said thon girl needs a good long coat on her. I saw the next day she was voted out so my words didn’t fall on stony ground.”

Fr Hughes proceeded to light on X-Factor saying is was a “load of balls, even worse than that Eldorado programme from a few years ago” and that Simon Cowell should be “shot with a ball of his own shite”.

Hughes’ maid, 23-year old former page-3 girl Hillary McCann from Galbally, said she thought the Father was exaggerating a bit:

Sure I see him smirking away to himself and rubbing his knees, especially when his favourite dancer Natalie Lowe is on although he says bad things when her celeb partner gets too frisky.

Hugh O’Neill Had Soft Spot For Armagh, Claims Historian

Hugh had a soft spot for Keady

A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’.

This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.

“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed off to Keady for a weekend with the wife of Turloch O’Hagan. They checked in to a shed-come-hotel in the outskirts of the town and was immediately taken by the beauty of the river Callan and its plentiful trout. I was shocked to read this as I’ve never hear one Tyrone man say anything nice about Armagh at all. It gets worse.”

Horridge details a meeting O’Neill had with a boy Tohill from Swatragh, who was tending to his bull and six cattle, on a journey to Coleraine for some buttermilk.

“O’Neill was quite impressed with the athleticism of Tohill and it is claimed he pleaded with the Swatragh farmer to join his forces where he would he anointed an O’Neill within hours. Tohill rejected the offer, saying he’d rather cut his own balls off than move to Tyrone. Hugh was again impressed with the man mountain’s directness and it was with a heavy heart he had him slaughtered.”

The Donnelly clan leader, Fergus Donnelly of Derrylaughan, says this shows that O’Neill had ‘a bit of a dubious side to him’ and maybe wasn’t ‘the big Tyrone man he said he was’, claiming all Donnellys don’t eat apples as it reminds them of Armagh and that they still use Derry men as slaves.

Indoor-Bowling Brawl Splits Tyrone

An indoor bowling friendly between East Tyrone and West Tyrone ended acrimoniously with threats of drive-by shootings and all-out warfare hanging over the Red Hand bowling community. The annual charity match took place last night in Brocagh with the home side hotly favoured to emerge victorious according to suspicious betting patterns in Toals Bookmakers in Dungannon and Strabane. East Tyrone, with its rich indoor-bowling pedigree, started with an average age of 72 whilst relative newcomers West Tyrone presented a more youthful 66 year old average. The referee, Malcolm Turnbull from Lisnaskea, filed his report immediately before giving the following interview to our indoor bowling reporter:

“It was clear from the start that tensions were high. The West Tyrone side emerged onto the short mats to the tune of ‘The Hills Above Drumquin’ blasting from a ghetto-blaster on the shoulder of their captain, 69 year old Paddy Graham. They seemed psyched, obviously hurting from the previous 45 defeats. Not to be outdone, Masie Davidson herself sang ‘Brocagh Brae’ as she led the East crowd out. I feared the worst and so it turned out after the first end. Henry McCann from the Moy and John ‘Kib’ Foster of Gortin seemed to have their bowls equi-distance from the jack. McCann wasn’t in the mood for calling a draw on that one so the measuring tape was produced, showing it was actually Foster who was closest. That’s when it all kicked off.”

Reports from onlookers suggest that the remaining of the tie was played out with fiery slaggings between competitors filling the air. There were violent debates over the singing ability of Hugh Duncan v Eileen Donaghy, the acting prowess of Birdy Sweeney v Sam Neill, Canavan v McGuigan, Flann O’Brien v Nick Laird, Cookstown Sausages v Omagh Meats and Jerome Quinn v Adrian Logan. Words soon turned to slaps.

“It was when Hugh Morgan said Adrian Logan couldn’t lick Jerome Quinn’s microphone that I heard the slap. When I looked up Morgan was laying prone on the mat. It began to cut up rough. Within seconds, all I could see were walking sticks, dentures, wigs, commodes, vests, viagra, prune juice, wind chimes, magnifying glasses, hearing aids, laxatives, slippers, nice warm sweaters, stuffed animals, cinnamon rolls, jigsaw puzzles, yarn, cotton buds, incontinence pads and currant cake flying through the Brocagh air. It was a war scene. I just left them to it.”

The East Tyrone Bowling Society released a statement this morning saying although they regretted not finishing the game, the West Tyrone squad may sleep with one collective eye open at night. Witnesses in West Tyrone have confirmed that they are stocking up on ammunition tonight for an assault on the loughshore at the weekend.

West Tyrone captain and vice captain send a message to the East

 

 

Row Brewing Over Stewartstown Christmas Lights

Stewartstown’s latest acquisition?

The annual turning on of the Stewartstown lights, a highlight in the calendar for many in the whole of Ireland, has descended into a mire of allegations and threats which has left the chance of the extravaganza ever happening doubtful. Previous years has witnessed stars such as Malachi Cush, the Stewartstown Credit Union Manager, Pat the lollypop man, an extra from Titanic, Tommy Corr, Dennis Taylor, Ronan McSherry, Dolly Parton, Jimmy Cricket, a Powerscreen executive and Miss Stewartstown Wrangler Jeans 1977 amongst others turn on the lights. Next week, as in other years, a vote was to be taken between the Christmas Committee members as to who would do the honours in 2012.

“It is a farce. Everyone knew there was a smear campaign against Fergal Logan who was the people’s favourite this year. Fergal has been representing Stewartstown on the national stage for years now through is daring high catches on the field to getting lads off big bans in the court room. He’s an adonis around here. All the wemen are mad about him. We had a fair idea that a group of businessmen wanted a boy who works for that lingerie company Ann Summers to turn on the lights as well as half the men and women. They have this idea that an Ann Summers shop in Stewartstown would be a real goer because of the rampant nature of people in the local area.”

Unfounded rumours began to circulate a month ago that Logan had been spraying random juvenile graffiti around the area about rap stars like Tinie Tempah, Eminem and Vanilla Ice as well as things like ‘We Want Knickers’,  ‘I Like Bras’, ‘The Ridin Capital Of Ireland’ and ‘Dickheads do the Double’, an area very close to the hearts of Stewartstown locals. It is also well known that rap music is detested in the area in favour of hip-hop.

“It’s obvious that this was a smear campaign by the Ann Summers campaigners. There’s no way Logan would use the word knickers. Cacks or lady-trunks maybe. Not knickers. And Logan hates Tinie Tempah. He’s more of a Labyrinth man. Fergal would never criticise those signing on whilst working away. Sure they’re his best clients. No, this is an attempt by the Ann Summers shower to gain favour.”

The ‘Ann Summers For Stewartstown’ movement refuted the allegation of a smear campaign whilst reiterating how frisky the locals are, even in the middle of the week.

 

Tyrone Lonely Hearts – Volume 3

Beragh ex-English Literature teacher (66) seeks a wholesome woman with good teeth, soft lips, sweet breath, with eyes no matter what colour so they are but expressive; of a healthy complexion, rather inclin’d to fair than brown; neat in her person, her bosom full, plump, firm and white; a good understanding, without being a wit, but cheerful and lively in conversation, polite and delicate of speech, her temper humane and tender, and to look as if she could feel delight where she wishes to give it. No Clogher women need apply.

Ardboe man (54), unemployed clown, seeks woman with no bodily deformity.

Fintona gardener (55), ploughing the loneliest of furrows, twelve personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from the library. Seeks anyone.

Strabane woman (44), pessimistic, practical and forward thinking, would like you to list your top 10 treasured possessions – just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up.

Brocagh lad (23) seeks a woman who is a man. Sorry mummy.

Compulsive-eating Galbally woman, 52, would like to meet a man of up to 25 for whom the phrase ‘beauty is only skin-deep’ is both a lifestyle choice and a religious ethos.

Kildress window-cleaner, 50, in desperate need of a ride, anything considered.

Plumbridge Lady, 49, seeks companion to ramble around Gortin Glen with. I cannot guarantee you’ll fall in love with me, but I can ­promise you the best home-brewed brandy ball poitin you’ll have ever tasted.

Moortown carpet fitter, 39, will entertain anyone from totally blind to completely incapacitated. Will treat you to the finest collection of dried stuffed eels this side of the lough. Weekend taxidermist.

Derrytresk plumber, 61, seeks woman with boat. Please send photo of boat.

 

Harte Worried About Mugsy And Crisps

With the recent news surrounding Tyrone GAA’s new sponsors, Mickey Harte has expressed fears that the new partnership may play havoc with his plans to keep tabs on members of the squad who ‘winter too well’ over the non-footballing months. With Kevin Hughes retired, initial hopes were that the Hunky Dory freebies would remain largely untouched, enabling Harte and the squad to deliver the crisps to the less fortunates in Brocagh, Eskra and Dregish. However, all changed with a phone-call the management team received last night from a Healy Park attendant.

“At first I thought it was a wind-up,” an anonymous official told us, “as it was wile cold last night. But I could hear the lads codding about in the background. It didn’t take long to identify the voices: Mugsy, Joe McMahon, Gavin Devlin, big Pascal and Cathal McCarron. The poor Omagh gatekeeper said they were demanding to get training at the field in preparation for next year, even though we’ve given them time off til St Stephen’s Day. The penny soon dropped with me. Them bloody crisps.”

Harte and his team made their way to Omagh only to be confronted by the hungry fivesome, McCarron doing the talking, not a kitbag between them, demanding to hear the full details of the sponsorship deal and when the first batch would be arriving. Negotiations went well into the night with threats of resignations and counter-threats of walking from the panel before McCarron persuaded the others to accept the only deal on the table: 50 packets each for the months of November and December with a renegotiation in January, as long as the other squad players weren’t aware of it, especially Colm Cavanagh and Marty Penrose who also ‘winter well’ at the best of times.

Penrose, in particular, is reported to be devastated that they didn’t pursue his idea of a dream deal with Milky Bars or Snickers.

Penrose and Milky Bars

 

Coalisland Man Caught Duping Doctor. High Blood Pressure Fraud.

O’Neill’s reading broke records

A Coalisland ex-barrister, Javier O’Neill, is in police custody tonight having been caught fooling the local doctor into claiming for incapacity benefit since 2008. O’Neill (56), officially ‘off on the sick’ at the time, was unveiled as a fraudster after the suspicious doctor admitted he had resorted to setting up CCTV cameras around the town to follow Javier’s movements. Dr Laverty told us:

“I hadn’t slept for weeks thinking about this man. He’d come in to the surgery once a month with a blood pressure reading completely off the scale. It was something like 300/200. In the history of medicine, a reading like this had never been recorded. Add to that, his pulse rate was 180 at resting point. No matter what dosage of tablets I put him on, he’d come back with the same readings. It was either a miracle or this boy O’Neill was a freak of science. Even if you had the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders, you wouldn’t have these readings. This man should have been dead long ago.”

Doctor Laverty travelled the length and breadth of the planet in order to show off the Coalisland man’s readings to medical experts. Unable to find an answer and with the cream of the medical world asking to descend on Tyrone to witness this man in action, Laverty set up a couple of CCTV cameras around the town to capture O’Neill in his daily routine. Nothing showed up until the day of his appointment.

“I was about to admit defeat when I check the cameras just before his arrived. Suddenly I noticed Javier sprinting from the top of Platers Hill to the bottom, half an hour before the appointment. Then he’d run back up again. He did this 7 times in total, a remarkable feat for a 56 year old man. He’d then wipe the sweat from his brow, settle himself and come in for the appointment. That explains the reading. I did always smell sweat but that’d be typical of a Coalisland resident.”

His incapacity benefit of £500 a week was immediately stopped today and other high blood pressure cases are being looked into.

 

“Baldy Has-Been” Comment Stumps Errigal Contingent. Row Ensues.

Bald Errigal supporter during the brawl

As the Ballinderry contingent left the field last Sunday in Omagh, an unidentified member of their squad shouted a clearly audible comment directed at the celebrating Errigal community on the field. The Ballygawley players and ex-players were initially stumped as to whom the comment was aimed at with the ensuing row boiling over into the long hours of the night outside Quinn’s. Innocent bystander, Phonsie McNally from Keady, was within earshot of the original incident.

“I heard it as clear as you’re talking now. The Errigal players and ex-players were celebrating and mingling in the middle of the field. One of the Ballinderry players shouted across at them ‘and you can feck off ye baldy has-been’. You could see the confusion on the faces of the bald Tyrone lads. Some started pointing at each other with everyone denying it. I can’t beat about the bush. I’m sure it was Peter Canavan he was talking about. But there were at least seven other lads without a hair on their head in that circle, including the fathers and uncles of most of the players. But I think it was Canavan.”

Witnesses say the row escalated during the post-match meal when an unnamed uncle of a family of players in the team went up to buy a pint. Someone shouted “get us one too ye has-been”, resulting in a bar-room brawl never witnessed in Quinn’s since Paddy Russell denied Sean McLoughlin a point in 1995.

“Jaysus it was deadly like. Chairs and glasses were sailing through the midnight air with a whole gang of bald Ballygawley men beating the living daylights out of each other. It was like some kind of bikers’ brawl. All the men with hair just sat there laughing with some betting on the ‘last bald man standing’. Canavan managed to last the pace but you couldn’t help but feel he was the cause of all this. I’m sure Muldoon’s comment was aimed at him.”

Canavan refused to comment but word has been filtering around Glencull since of a man considering the implants.

Omagh Teacher Goes Berserk. Pupil Steals Orange.

The orange looked like this

Omagh teacher Barry Trainer was said to be ‘livid’ today after finding out that some boy had stolen his orange from his desk whilst he was out making coffee in a resource room. An fellow staff member who wishes to remain anonymous said Barry ‘wasn’t himself all day’ after the incident and the senior teachers are trawling through CCTV footage in the corridors in order to spot someone who looks like he has an orange in his blazer.

“Jaysus, Barry was rippin,” Mr X told us. “I’ve known ‘Baldy Bollocks’ (as the lads call him) for 15 years now and he has always eaten an orange at break time in the staffroom. I knew something was up when I heard the roar coming from his classroom. The look of fear off the lads’ faces when they left the room was something I hadn’t witnessed since 1985 and the dying throes of corporal punishment.”

Trainer noticed the orange was missing after he returned from topping up his coffee during a lesson on ‘adding’. After searching under his desk he was alerted to the prank when half the class were heard sniggering. Despite threatening the lads with ‘sorting them out’ if he ever saw any of them out and about Omagh at the weekends, none of the pupils touted on the devilish thief. The Principal, Monsignor Joel Brannigan, said no stone would be left unturned in the wake of this unusual incident.

“There’s no doubt that the orange thief will be caught. It might take time but someone will eventually squeal. I’ve already set the wheels in motion with an immediate ban on Wagon Wheels at the tuck shop. There aren’t many in Omagh who can go a day without a Wagon Wheel, with it full of chocolately delight. CCTV will help too.”

Trainer has vowed to take time off with ‘stress’ until the culprit is caught. Some retired teacher will take his place.

Tattyreagh Wife Superglues Husband’s Hand to Testicles

Dorris, last week.

Doctors at Omagh Hospital were hopeful that Tattyreagh plumber Kenny Dorris will make a full recovery after a domestic spat left the 45 year old needing emergency surgery. Details are still sketchy although all sources confirmed that Mary Dorris exacted revenge on her husband after one flirtatious incident too many. Kenny’s brother Harry was quick to fill in the gaps to our regional reporter:

“Ach our Kenny’s a wile one for the wemen. The same boy would chat up a group of nuns if he was in the form for it. I know Mary had been pissed off with the way he was winking at the blades whilst giving out communion. There’d also been rumours of him plumbing at houses that didn’t need any plumbing. I know surely what kind of plumbing he was at, the dirty bastard.”

As far as we can tell, after one wink too many, Mary waited until Kenny fell asleep last night after he had consumed his nightly quota of eight bottles of stout and a couple of Powers chasers. She seemingly poured superglue over his left hand and placed the same limb over his own privates. Neighbour Jenna Carpenter heard the screams:

“I never heard yelping like it. Being semi-detached ye’d hear them two rowing into the night. This was different. I think poor Kenny got up to go to the toilet at about 8am only to find out that his hand was attached to his balls. Ye shoulda heard the language. It was ‘stupid feckin crazy hoor of a cow’ this and ‘I’ll buckin haunt ye ye bitch’ that. The language was rough now. She was giving as good as she got, calling him all the tramps of the day. Ach to be honest I felt sorry for Big Kenny. He’d always been good to me. Any time I’d need any plumbing he’d be around in a shot. Handsome man too.’

Doctors confirmed they had received a patient with his hand attached to his testicles but reckoned they could separate the two easily enough. They did admit, though, that if the surgery was unsuccessful he’d have to get used to standing like that around Tattyreagh.

Word On The Street – The American Presidency

This morning our journalists asked anyone they could see out walking around about the upcoming American presidential election.

To be honest, I haven’t been following it atall. JACK MCGUIGAN, ARDBOE

I wouldn’t have a clue. Are you from the paper? DECLAN MANGAN, AGHALOO

Eh? Nah, couldn’t care less. It’s wile coul. SEANA JACOBS, DREGISH

Who’s Osama up agin? Romney? Never heard of him. Is he a taig? ASHLEY ROCKS, COAGH

An election. Jaysus it that the next of it? I hear Red Gerry from the Gortin Rd took a bad turn last night. Big drinker. PADDY MAGUIRE, OMAGH

All depends on who the Yanks want bombed next. If one said he’d be bombing Ardboe I’d be on the phone to every Devlin in the States, canvassing. COLM DEVLIN, MOORTOWN

Will ye give me head pace about them fcukers. Will it affect the price of a spud? No. Now away a that a ye. DANNY HASSON, DUNGANNON

Romney for me. I’ve great time for the mormons. FR HUGH O’REILLY, FINTONA

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