Prominent historians have warned that, unless a strenuous breeding programme and grant-incentive scheme is put into place immediately, many of the ancient O’Neill clans will die out within the next 100 years.
The study was commissioned by Des O’Neill who has been working to reunite many O’Neills across the planet in order to piece together the history of the famous Ulster dynasty since the Flight of the Earls in 1607.
Des, of the ‘Well-Hung’ O’Neills, has applied for a breeding grant but also lamented the obliteration of his own clan:
“The Well-Hung O’Neills were an important sept back in the 1500s. Back then the chief would hire a few of the Well-Hungs to entertain visitors from Spain and France, especially their women folk. I think I’m the last Well-Hung O’Neill in Tyrone and maybe the world. I’m still under 50 and a single man so there’s hope for me yet. I’m just putting those facts out there. Under 50, single and a Well-Hung O’Neill.”
John O’Neill of the ‘Lazy-Arsed’ O’Neills, near Brocagh, has also warned the O’Neill Society that he is the last of the Lazy-Arsed sept unless a local woman takes a chance on him before he slips into dotage.
“I’m 71 but there’s a wee bit of energy in me yet. I was one of seven brothers but none of us could be bothered wooing and courting women, preferring to just sit about and watch Glenroe. But I hear there’s a grant for this and if preserving the Lazy-Arsed clan means I have to shower a couple of times and buy a flower or two, then it’ll be worth it.”
Hugh O’Neill, of the ‘Fat-Gut’ O’Neills near Eskra, maintains they’re the strongest line of the ancient family with over 200 in their numbers and growing every year but maintained the grant money should stave off complacency.
Meanwhile, the Quinns, McCanns, McLaughlins, Donnellys, Campbells and Taggarts have also applied for grants.
A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’.
This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.
“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed off to Keady for a weekend with the wife of Turloch O’Hagan. They checked in to a shed-come-hotel in the outskirts of the town and was immediately taken by the beauty of the river Callan and its plentiful trout. I was shocked to read this as I’ve never hear one Tyrone man say anything nice about Armagh at all. It gets worse.”
Horridge details a meeting O’Neill had with a boy Tohill from Swatragh, who was tending to his bull and six cattle, on a journey to Coleraine for some buttermilk.
“O’Neill was quite impressed with the athleticism of Tohill and it is claimed he pleaded with the Swatragh farmer to join his forces where he would he anointed an O’Neill within hours. Tohill rejected the offer, saying he’d rather cut his own balls off than move to Tyrone. Hugh was again impressed with the man mountain’s directness and it was with a heavy heart he had him slaughtered.”
The Donnelly clan leader, Fergus Donnelly of Derrylaughan, says this shows that O’Neill had ‘a bit of a dubious side to him’ and maybe wasn’t ‘the big Tyrone man he said he was’, claiming all Donnellys don’t eat apples as it reminds them of Armagh and that they still use Derry men as slaves.
Following yesterday’s unusually tropical conditions with temperatures touching 23 degrees Celsius for the best of three hours, Dungannon Town Council have announced this morning that they’re to start work on building a beach near the town square. In the first of its kind in Ireland, the groundbreaking proposal was tabled after Lord Mayor Hugh Jeers took a spin through the town on the way home from purchasing a dozen ice-pops for his wife and ten children, taking advantage of the Spar’s deals on all ice-lollies in August.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes. The sun came out from between two threatening-looking clouds and stayed in full view for a few hours. At first we thought it was some kind of massive bumble bee but someone checked their iPhone and confirmed that it was definitely the sun. Then, lo and behold, people started taking off their duffel coats and jumpers and then began buying mineral and Frosties. When I saw the young women running about the pavements scantily-clad the Eureka moment just hit me. You could see some of their thongs. It was inspiring”
Jeers managed to fast-track the beach proposal to the male-dominated council with the only objection coming from the DUD’s Cecil Winterbottom.
“It’s bad enough having swings and slides readily available for children on a Sunday, but now we’re going to see bare arses and hairy chests all week long. I’m moving to Cappagh. Hugh O’Neill will be spinning in his grave.”
The beach will start at the bottom of Scotch Street and rise the whole way up to where Wellworths used to be. Further discussions will deal with the inclusion of jellyfish, crabs and women’s volleyball. Darren Clarke will launch the beach but will be prevented from stripping off. It is expected to be completed in 2018, having tendered to the same construction company who build other successful structures in Ireland such as the Giant’s Causeway and the stalagmites in Fermanagh